do you think my (F25) core values about relationships are unrealistic?

tldr: after 2 years of new single life new realizations about core values, second-guessing them if they are even applicable or realistic in the year 2019.

Hey you all, I've been thinking a bit about what I want from a relationship and some things have come to the surface and I feel like they are not represented by monogamy nor by non-monogamy (at least in the terms that poly and relationship anarchy forums provided me with info).

So the set of core values I identified so far are:
- I want myself and my partner to be as honest and direct as possible. Issues should be dealt with as soon as possible and it is better to say something negative than to be "nice" and dishonest. I think it's important to say for example "I am getting a bit overwhelmed right now can I have some space for myself? I love you still but I need some time on my own."

- I'd like to have the same position in their priorities as they have in mine. Which shouldn't be surprising. I would like someone who is very important to me and vice versa. E.g. people wouldn't feel comfortable if their friend they only meet once in a while would call them best friend, while at the same you long for a connection with someone else and that you consider them a best friend but they feel uncomfortable with it. I feel like in my last relationships there has been some misunderstanding about having the same feelings towards each other and setting the same priorities. E.g. I would place myself on top, my friends and partners around that "mountain peak" or even extremely close if they are my closest friend or partner. I would want to be considered like this too and not only a side-piece or a fling you feel indifferent about.

- I am also not completely against non-monogamous concept as long as I am important to my partner and we can have a shared value system and talk about it and be real and honest. I guess people in the poly community would talk about a primary partner or co-habitating partner in that case. I would like to have that but without that hierarchical implication, which often implies (for me personally) that if you have a "secondary" partner this person gets treated worse. I think it's about mutual respect and knowing what the other person wants and needs and how to agree on it. I struggle with accepting that I really do want to be a very important part of my partner's life, like a very very close friend whom you would share everything you are dealing with.

- I also thought a lot about commitment. What does commitment mean? Why am I seeking it? I think the thing for me is, I like to see things safely. Like I can trust and respect and feel I can rely on the other person. When that person is not commited to our relationship, through investing time, love and affection, why should I keep seeing them? I think people get super afraid of the word commitment, however it does not always mean monogamy, or having to text every single day, or even meeting every week. I think it's about making an effort to establish and care for a connection that is building and trusting that it will lead to something beautiful in the future. I think this would be a great point to talk about how much contact a person wants, how much they should be integrated into their life, how much personal information they share, how connected they feel etc.

I was only wondering after 2 years of dating, how come I only went out with guys who were not making me a priority as much as I did (I texted constantly, payed for meals, wanting to meet up often, having sex often etc.) and who were only seeing me as a side "thing". Am I not communicating those values clearly? Am I not making clear what I want by being maybe a bit more shy in the beginning of the dating phase? Or was I just miraculously attracted to guys who don't talk, discuss, evaluate and think about those topics?

Submitted September 08, 2019 at 12:19AM

tldr: after 2 years of new single life new realizations about core values, second-guessing them if they are even applicable or realistic in the year 2019.Hey you all, I've been thinking a bit about what I want from a relationship and some things have come to the surface and I feel like they are not represented by monogamy nor by non-monogamy (at least in the terms that poly and relationship anarchy forums provided me with info).So the set of core values I identified so far are:- I want myself and my partner to be as honest and direct as possible. Issues should be dealt with as soon as possible and it is better to say something negative than to be "nice" and dishonest. I think it's important to say for example "I am getting a bit overwhelmed right now can I have some space for myself? I love you still but I need some time on my own."- I'd like to have the same position in their priorities as they have in mine. Which shouldn't be surprising. I would like someone who is very important to me and vice versa. E.g. people wouldn't feel comfortable if their friend they only meet once in a while would call them best friend, while at the same you long for a connection with someone else and that you consider them a best friend but they feel uncomfortable with it. I feel like in my last relationships there has been some misunderstanding about having the same feelings towards each other and setting the same priorities. E.g. I would place myself on top, my friends and partners around that "mountain peak" or even extremely close if they are my closest friend or partner. I would want to be considered like this too and not only a side-piece or a fling you feel indifferent about.- I am also not completely against non-monogamous concept as long as I am important to my partner and we can have a shared value system and talk about it and be real and honest. I guess people in the poly community would talk about a primary partner or co-habitating partner in that case. I would like to have that but without that hierarchical implication, which often implies (for me personally) that if you have a "secondary" partner this person gets treated worse. I think it's about mutual respect and knowing what the other person wants and needs and how to agree on it. I struggle with accepting that I really do want to be a very important part of my partner's life, like a very very close friend whom you would share everything you are dealing with.- I also thought a lot about commitment. What does commitment mean? Why am I seeking it? I think the thing for me is, I like to see things safely. Like I can trust and respect and feel I can rely on the other person. When that person is not commited to our relationship, through investing time, love and affection, why should I keep seeing them? I think people get super afraid of the word commitment, however it does not always mean monogamy, or having to text every single day, or even meeting every week. I think it's about making an effort to establish and care for a connection that is building and trusting that it will lead to something beautiful in the future. I think this would be a great point to talk about how much contact a person wants, how much they should be integrated into their life, how much personal information they share, how connected they feel etc.I was only wondering after 2 years of dating, how come I only went out with guys who were not making me a priority as much as I did (I texted constantly, payed for meals, wanting to meet up often, having sex often etc.) and who were only seeing me as a side "thing". Am I not communicating those values clearly? Am I not making clear what I want by being maybe a bit more shy in the beginning of the dating phase? Or was I just miraculously attracted to guys who don't talk, discuss, evaluate and think about those topics?