What am I doing?

I’ll try to make the backstory as short as possible. I (31F) have know my friend, we’ll call him Steve (39M), for 15+ years. 7 of those years we were off and on. Timing has always been our main problem. I broke it off the last time and we didn’t speak for about 5 years, our longest stretch of no contact.

A few months ago I worked up enough liquid courage to reach out to him and we’ve been talking ever since. For a while we were in that “text every morning, call every night” phase until, suddenly, he started ignoring me completely. Depression, he said, which I understand completely. It just threw me how out of the blue and severe it was. Centimeter by centimeter I’ve been trying to pull him back in but it hasn’t been the same.

Which brings us to today. I am crazy about this man. I have been since the first day we met. When we weren’t speaking, even when I was in relationships or married, he was never far from my mind. I’ve done several really mushy gushy romantic type things to show that I care and I’m here for him— things I would never do outside of a long term committed relationship. I almost always text him first, definitely always call first, I flirt, tell him I miss him, send him photos... none of which have been reciprocated since he went ghost.

So I finally decided to try something. I was curious how long it would take him to initiate a conversation with me (or if he’d even notice or care) so I simply stopped trying. Normally I am very against these type of “games” but he doesn’t like having in-depth conversations about feelings and whatnot, and my heart was starting to give out. It’s been a week; radio silence. I’ve shed more than a few tears and it’s killing me. I miss him so much and I’m so hurt that he doesn’t seem to miss me at all.

What I’d like insight on is, am I doing the right thing? Am I just being needy and over analytical? Should I just text him and stop this stupid bullshit?

Or maybe I should just leave it alone.. if he can go this long or longer then maybe that’s all the information I need. I’m too invested and I need to step back.

Or should I just be brave and have an adult conversation with him about where our feelings are, despite his aversion to things like that. What if I get an answer that crushes me? Like I said, he’s been “the one” for me for years. The idea of the door being permanently closed on us is unfathomable for me. I don’t know what I would do.

TL;DR: I’m playing the “I’m not texting you first” game to see how long it takes my somewhere-in-between-boyfriend-and-friend to talk to me. It’s been a week and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.

Thank you so much if you read this far!

Submitted March 30, 2020 at 11:47PM

I’ll try to make the backstory as short as possible. I (31F) have know my friend, we’ll call him Steve (39M), for 15+ years. 7 of those years we were off and on. Timing has always been our main problem. I broke it off the last time and we didn’t speak for about 5 years, our longest stretch of no contact.A few months ago I worked up enough liquid courage to reach out to him and we’ve been talking ever since. For a while we were in that “text every morning, call every night” phase until, suddenly, he started ignoring me completely. Depression, he said, which I understand completely. It just threw me how out of the blue and severe it was. Centimeter by centimeter I’ve been trying to pull him back in but it hasn’t been the same.Which brings us to today. I am crazy about this man. I have been since the first day we met. When we weren’t speaking, even when I was in relationships or married, he was never far from my mind. I’ve done several really mushy gushy romantic type things to show that I care and I’m here for him— things I would never do outside of a long term committed relationship. I almost always text him first, definitely always call first, I flirt, tell him I miss him, send him photos... none of which have been reciprocated since he went ghost.So I finally decided to try something. I was curious how long it would take him to initiate a conversation with me (or if he’d even notice or care) so I simply stopped trying. Normally I am very against these type of “games” but he doesn’t like having in-depth conversations about feelings and whatnot, and my heart was starting to give out. It’s been a week; radio silence. I’ve shed more than a few tears and it’s killing me. I miss him so much and I’m so hurt that he doesn’t seem to miss me at all.What I’d like insight on is, am I doing the right thing? Am I just being needy and over analytical? Should I just text him and stop this stupid bullshit?Or maybe I should just leave it alone.. if he can go this long or longer then maybe that’s all the information I need. I’m too invested and I need to step back.Or should I just be brave and have an adult conversation with him about where our feelings are, despite his aversion to things like that. What if I get an answer that crushes me? Like I said, he’s been “the one” for me for years. The idea of the door being permanently closed on us is unfathomable for me. I don’t know what I would do.TL;DR: I’m playing the “I’m not texting you first” game to see how long it takes my somewhere-in-between-boyfriend-and-friend to talk to me. It’s been a week and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.Thank you so much if you read this far!