I am a Dumbass & fell for a friend with a BF, now I get regularly anxious about the friendship failing when it really probably isn't

Story time: I'm [19F] a first year undergrad at uni, in that time I made friends with the few good people on my course. One in particular [19F] & I hit it off. I feel we get on like a house on fire, but she has a BF whom came with her to the uni and whom is absolutely harmless as people go.

Yada yada, around Halloween I confess to her after drunkenness & walking her back that I wanted to kiss her, she said nah but would've if they werent together. I keep being kinda semi-overtly flirty with her because she found it funny, so I take that as something of a greenlight to continue as I thought we were both having fun; going to watch movies at mine often about Less Than SFW Topics (think Secretary) , being playful with my poor purchases from lovehoney, drinking lightly, all that good stuff.

Next semester it's the case that she's evidently grown out of the fondness for me about the "i would if I didnt have a BF" and puts the foot down as it were, saying the flirting makes her uncomfortable as "you're not getting it".

This makes me pretty distraught as I consider "Of course shed be uncomfortable with it you absolute tit" and realise my own wrongs. This is where the anxiety kind of kicks into high gear regarding the Friendship Deterioration.

I take her to a bar & I effectively do something along the lines of a breakup conversation over drinks because I need time to emotionally distance myself from this person whom I consider one of my best friends, though I might yearn for something more.

We move past the Ordeal and interact mostly as we did minus the overt flirting on my end and by end of teaching for COVID it was at the point where I felt we could interact pretty normally & comfortably, whatever that means in my case. Me being stubborn in my optimism still has like a glimmer of hope that I don't think will go away for a Good While, but I can deal with the idea of my heart being in the right place but almost the definition of a wrong time.

Now, if me making this post wasnt clear from the conception of it, it didnt work, and so now I get bouts of some pretty intense Bad Thoughts about how the friendship is deteriorating because they actually hate me but are too polite to tell me to fuck off. I'm one to overthink and catastrophise everything because I'm a melodramatic Twat, but even realising that i cant get passed the idea that we're not as good friends as I had hoped, and that it's going downhill even then.

I went to the student support at the uni and they gave me a card to a Healthy Thoughts website but I have evidently lost it because I am not only a Melodramatic Twat, but a Dumb one as well.

Would anyone be able to share how to get out of this mindset of "Oh God oh Fuck this thing I'm intensely fond of is crumbling before my eyes oh nooooooooo"? Quarantine and a lack of being face-to-face doesnt help in the slightest as I am evidently Quite shit at expressing myself over text, and seeming as we're gonna have something like 3 months of the thing I'm saying Any Help Would Be Highly Appreciated <3.

PS: Writing that all out made me feel better but I would rather not have a mild panic attack

TL:DR; I fell for a friend who I knew had a BF, she was mildly into me before but grew out of it, we're now still friends but I get intensely anxious quite regularly about the friendship crumbling in real time.

Submitted March 31, 2020 at 12:04AM

Story time: I'm [19F] a first year undergrad at uni, in that time I made friends with the few good people on my course. One in particular [19F] & I hit it off. I feel we get on like a house on fire, but she has a BF whom came with her to the uni and whom is absolutely harmless as people go.Yada yada, around Halloween I confess to her after drunkenness & walking her back that I wanted to kiss her, she said nah but would've if they werent together. I keep being kinda semi-overtly flirty with her because she found it funny, so I take that as something of a greenlight to continue as I thought we were both having fun; going to watch movies at mine often about Less Than SFW Topics (think Secretary) , being playful with my poor purchases from lovehoney, drinking lightly, all that good stuff.Next semester it's the case that she's evidently grown out of the fondness for me about the "i would if I didnt have a BF" and puts the foot down as it were, saying the flirting makes her uncomfortable as "you're not getting it".This makes me pretty distraught as I consider "Of course shed be uncomfortable with it you absolute tit" and realise my own wrongs. This is where the anxiety kind of kicks into high gear regarding the Friendship Deterioration.I take her to a bar & I effectively do something along the lines of a breakup conversation over drinks because I need time to emotionally distance myself from this person whom I consider one of my best friends, though I might yearn for something more.We move past the Ordeal and interact mostly as we did minus the overt flirting on my end and by end of teaching for COVID it was at the point where I felt we could interact pretty normally & comfortably, whatever that means in my case. Me being stubborn in my optimism still has like a glimmer of hope that I don't think will go away for a Good While, but I can deal with the idea of my heart being in the right place but almost the definition of a wrong time.Now, if me making this post wasnt clear from the conception of it, it didnt work, and so now I get bouts of some pretty intense Bad Thoughts about how the friendship is deteriorating because they actually hate me but are too polite to tell me to fuck off. I'm one to overthink and catastrophise everything because I'm a melodramatic Twat, but even realising that i cant get passed the idea that we're not as good friends as I had hoped, and that it's going downhill even then.I went to the student support at the uni and they gave me a card to a Healthy Thoughts website but I have evidently lost it because I am not only a Melodramatic Twat, but a Dumb one as well.Would anyone be able to share how to get out of this mindset of "Oh God oh Fuck this thing I'm intensely fond of is crumbling before my eyes oh nooooooooo"? Quarantine and a lack of being face-to-face doesnt help in the slightest as I am evidently Quite shit at expressing myself over text, and seeming as we're gonna have something like 3 months of the thing I'm saying Any Help Would Be Highly Appreciated <3.PS: Writing that all out made me feel better but I would rather not have a mild panic attackTL:DR; I fell for a friend who I knew had a BF, she was mildly into me before but grew out of it, we're now still friends but I get intensely anxious quite regularly about the friendship crumbling in real time.