Facing reality that marriage is dead - what to do

I’m a 35 yr old male, married for 4 yrs with one young kid. I’m coming to terms with the reality that my marriage is actually falling apart. I just don’t know what to do, I love our daughter deeply and don’t want to ruin her childhood, or risk being cut off from her.

When I first met my wife, I was head over heals in love with her. We had a relationship for about 3 yrs before we got married. We had great sex at the start and used to have fun going out socializing etc...i couldn’t see any thing wrong in her.

Where we are now couldn’t be more different, even factoring in the toll a child takes on your life and relationship, it’s really all changed. My wife causes me so much stress, she’s manages to make everything so bloody stressful, like even choosing the colour of some curtains etc... I seems like we can never disagree without her losing her temper. Feels like bitterness and sniping remarks run through the day regularly and arguments can go nuclear when I don’t have the energy to suck up her vortex of bullshit. She has physically lashed out at me once, hitting me in the back, and still tries to play it down as a slap?! I’m pretty sure if the tables were turned I would have the law on my my back! She’s has also screamed some pretty horrible things at me in the past too. These are just markers to me that she clearly has problems with her temper, and controlling her emotions.

It’s got to the point where I dread having to make big joint decisions with her, like holidays, house renovations etc, because this always leads to her getting frustrated and arguments. I appreciate it takes two to argue, but I realized at the outset of our relationship, I just let her get what she wanted, but it got to the point where she was just walking over me. I’ve learned being bulldozed leads to resentment, so I push my view more, and unfortunately trying to create more balance means she’s not getting her way All the time. Her temper flares and then I’m at the receiving end of her anger. This is supposed to be a loving relationship is it not!!

When she’s feeling good, she can be fun and spontaneous, but I just don’t know who I’m gonna get most days, as the smallest things can set her off into sour mood, and I can really sense it building and coming, and I’m learning to just vacate her when’s she’s like this. As otherwise I’m the emotional punchbag.

We have a daughter, and she’s is generally a good mum, but again I find her harder work than our daughter because of her stress about minor things the kid does. An example our daughter will be spilling yoghurt on the floor, I will let her do it, and just clean the whole lot up at the end, but my wife will keep cleaning up around her whilst getting stressed and telling her not to do this and that...

sex life....it’s pretty much non existent. I think we have had sex 2 in the last 6 months and maybe 8 times in the last 12. She is lazy in bed, let’s say I do most of “the cooking” - I haven’t had that favour returned for nearly 2 yrs now. We both have good jobs, and a comfortable life otherwise and a lovely daughter, but it’s feels that’s all that really binds us now. I’m still young enough to move on and find happiness elsewhere, but I’m worried about our daughter and what that will do to her. I’m trying to balance this against the toll this is having on my self esteem and wellbeing but it’s almost an impossible decision. I have more recently been waking up in the dead of night in tears as I’m facing up to the reality that separation and divorce might be the only answer. I lay in bed with this image playing through my head of my daughter walking out my car looking sad as I drop her off at her mums, my heart breaks thinking this little cherub could be stuck in the middle of two parents through no fault of her own...this alone makes feel on the other hand I should grit my teeth, endure the relationship and sacrifice my happiness for her to have a normal child hood. I’m sure I’m not the first, nor the last to be stuck in this predicament, any advice or pointers I’m all ears

Submitted March 31, 2020 at 12:20AM

I’m a 35 yr old male, married for 4 yrs with one young kid. I’m coming to terms with the reality that my marriage is actually falling apart. I just don’t know what to do, I love our daughter deeply and don’t want to ruin her childhood, or risk being cut off from her.When I first met my wife, I was head over heals in love with her. We had a relationship for about 3 yrs before we got married. We had great sex at the start and used to have fun going out socializing etc...i couldn’t see any thing wrong in her.Where we are now couldn’t be more different, even factoring in the toll a child takes on your life and relationship, it’s really all changed. My wife causes me so much stress, she’s manages to make everything so bloody stressful, like even choosing the colour of some curtains etc... I seems like we can never disagree without her losing her temper. Feels like bitterness and sniping remarks run through the day regularly and arguments can go nuclear when I don’t have the energy to suck up her vortex of bullshit. She has physically lashed out at me once, hitting me in the back, and still tries to play it down as a slap?! I’m pretty sure if the tables were turned I would have the law on my my back! She’s has also screamed some pretty horrible things at me in the past too. These are just markers to me that she clearly has problems with her temper, and controlling her emotions.It’s got to the point where I dread having to make big joint decisions with her, like holidays, house renovations etc, because this always leads to her getting frustrated and arguments. I appreciate it takes two to argue, but I realized at the outset of our relationship, I just let her get what she wanted, but it got to the point where she was just walking over me. I’ve learned being bulldozed leads to resentment, so I push my view more, and unfortunately trying to create more balance means she’s not getting her way All the time. Her temper flares and then I’m at the receiving end of her anger. This is supposed to be a loving relationship is it not!!When she’s feeling good, she can be fun and spontaneous, but I just don’t know who I’m gonna get most days, as the smallest things can set her off into sour mood, and I can really sense it building and coming, and I’m learning to just vacate her when’s she’s like this. As otherwise I’m the emotional punchbag.We have a daughter, and she’s is generally a good mum, but again I find her harder work than our daughter because of her stress about minor things the kid does. An example our daughter will be spilling yoghurt on the floor, I will let her do it, and just clean the whole lot up at the end, but my wife will keep cleaning up around her whilst getting stressed and telling her not to do this and that...sex life....it’s pretty much non existent. I think we have had sex 2 in the last 6 months and maybe 8 times in the last 12. She is lazy in bed, let’s say I do most of “the cooking” - I haven’t had that favour returned for nearly 2 yrs now. We both have good jobs, and a comfortable life otherwise and a lovely daughter, but it’s feels that’s all that really binds us now. I’m still young enough to move on and find happiness elsewhere, but I’m worried about our daughter and what that will do to her. I’m trying to balance this against the toll this is having on my self esteem and wellbeing but it’s almost an impossible decision. I have more recently been waking up in the dead of night in tears as I’m facing up to the reality that separation and divorce might be the only answer. I lay in bed with this image playing through my head of my daughter walking out my car looking sad as I drop her off at her mums, my heart breaks thinking this little cherub could be stuck in the middle of two parents through no fault of her own...this alone makes feel on the other hand I should grit my teeth, endure the relationship and sacrifice my happiness for her to have a normal child hood. I’m sure I’m not the first, nor the last to be stuck in this predicament, any advice or pointers I’m all ears