How to best help my girlfriend heal? (TW: SA)

Hi everyone, I’m hoping this is an okay thing to post in this subreddit; I’ve tried to post in other more specific subreddits but they aren’t quite as large as this one and I’m hoping for a wide variety of answers if possible. I put it in the title as well but I’ll write it again to be safe:

This post is largely about sexual assault and healing, there will be no descriptions or anything but it contains mentions of SA, thank you. Anyway, here we go:

About 7 months before my girlfriend and I met, she was assaulted (we’ve been together for about a year and a half at this point). I will not go into detail and I really don’t have that much detail as I’ve been sure to never bring it up and never ask questions unprompted (also we are in our mid-late 20’s, for reference)

Anyway, we have sex probably once a month on average and it is always wonderful, intimate, and mind-blowing. There are times when she has been triggered during sex and (obviously) we immediately stop when this happens and usually cuddle and talk about it, depending on how she’s feeling. I also always try to be extremely aware of how/when I try to initiate, and lately I’ve been generally waiting for her to initiate as she seems to be feeling less sexual lately. I suppose my question is: How proactive should I be in trying to encourage her to “actively heal”? Am I being a shithead for even thinking those thoughts? Is it my place at all? I believe she would benefit greatly from sex therapy and I’d really love to encourage her to go but I don’t know if that’s at all the right move or even if it’s my business. She has expressed interest in sex therapy in the past but nothing has come of it so far. If the best thing for her healing is simply to not think about sex for 6 months, or a year, or two years or any amount of time, I’m absolutely okay with that, I just don’t know if that’s ultimately considered “ignoring the problem”, if that makes sense. How “active” is healing generally ‘supposed’ to be? I know there is no single answer and everyone is different, I guess I’m just wondering if it’s my place at all to encourage her to maybe push herself a little bit? Does this make me a terrible person? I love her so so much and I want nothing more than to help her heal and (her words, not mine) help her get back to a semi-normal sex life. Obviously her healing and her happiness are significantly more important than my sex drive, but I can’t help but wish that we had more sex, again, does that make me a terrible person? That’s certainly not my motivation for wanting to help her heal but I can’t help but feel angry and upset at the person who did this to her because they (again, her words) made it impossible for us to have a “normal” sex life at this point, obviously I would never voice this to her as I don’t want her to think I’m dissatisfied in any way, and of course, none of this is her fault at all. I don’t really know how to navigate all this and I don’t know if I’m a shitty person for wanting to help her explore safe, healthy, sex a bit more often than is currently happening. Does anyone have any general advice? Sorry this post is a bit of a ramble and sort of unclear, I just would love to hear some other perspectives/other experiences if people feel okay talking about that. I feel at this point she has made a lot of progress in her healing and is maybe (from my perspective) ready to be a bit more proactive by doing something such as sex therapy or exploring the idea of masturbation, but again, is it my place to encourage these things? I love her so much and I can see how awful it is for her to feel like she’s somehow broken and to feel like this is affecting our relationship, so I wouldn’t want to imply that I’m bothered or worried by our relatively infrequent sex, I just want to help her feel better about sex, her body, and general sexuality.

Thank you so much for reading such a long post<3

Submitted March 31, 2020 at 12:24AM

Hi everyone, I’m hoping this is an okay thing to post in this subreddit; I’ve tried to post in other more specific subreddits but they aren’t quite as large as this one and I’m hoping for a wide variety of answers if possible. I put it in the title as well but I’ll write it again to be safe:This post is largely about sexual assault and healing, there will be no descriptions or anything but it contains mentions of SA, thank you. Anyway, here we go:About 7 months before my girlfriend and I met, she was assaulted (we’ve been together for about a year and a half at this point). I will not go into detail and I really don’t have that much detail as I’ve been sure to never bring it up and never ask questions unprompted (also we are in our mid-late 20’s, for reference)Anyway, we have sex probably once a month on average and it is always wonderful, intimate, and mind-blowing. There are times when she has been triggered during sex and (obviously) we immediately stop when this happens and usually cuddle and talk about it, depending on how she’s feeling. I also always try to be extremely aware of how/when I try to initiate, and lately I’ve been generally waiting for her to initiate as she seems to be feeling less sexual lately. I suppose my question is: How proactive should I be in trying to encourage her to “actively heal”? Am I being a shithead for even thinking those thoughts? Is it my place at all? I believe she would benefit greatly from sex therapy and I’d really love to encourage her to go but I don’t know if that’s at all the right move or even if it’s my business. She has expressed interest in sex therapy in the past but nothing has come of it so far. If the best thing for her healing is simply to not think about sex for 6 months, or a year, or two years or any amount of time, I’m absolutely okay with that, I just don’t know if that’s ultimately considered “ignoring the problem”, if that makes sense. How “active” is healing generally ‘supposed’ to be? I know there is no single answer and everyone is different, I guess I’m just wondering if it’s my place at all to encourage her to maybe push herself a little bit? Does this make me a terrible person? I love her so so much and I want nothing more than to help her heal and (her words, not mine) help her get back to a semi-normal sex life. Obviously her healing and her happiness are significantly more important than my sex drive, but I can’t help but wish that we had more sex, again, does that make me a terrible person? That’s certainly not my motivation for wanting to help her heal but I can’t help but feel angry and upset at the person who did this to her because they (again, her words) made it impossible for us to have a “normal” sex life at this point, obviously I would never voice this to her as I don’t want her to think I’m dissatisfied in any way, and of course, none of this is her fault at all. I don’t really know how to navigate all this and I don’t know if I’m a shitty person for wanting to help her explore safe, healthy, sex a bit more often than is currently happening. Does anyone have any general advice? Sorry this post is a bit of a ramble and sort of unclear, I just would love to hear some other perspectives/other experiences if people feel okay talking about that. I feel at this point she has made a lot of progress in her healing and is maybe (from my perspective) ready to be a bit more proactive by doing something such as sex therapy or exploring the idea of masturbation, but again, is it my place to encourage these things? I love her so much and I can see how awful it is for her to feel like she’s somehow broken and to feel like this is affecting our relationship, so I wouldn’t want to imply that I’m bothered or worried by our relatively infrequent sex, I just want to help her feel better about sex, her body, and general sexuality.Thank you so much for reading such a long post<3