Trust and honesty... opinions wanted

Major conversation with partner last night. Not really intentional. I'm curious y'all's take on this scenario (note this is not the scenario of us or anyone we know...but it's a real situation and led to a big conversation about the nature of trust and lying).

Situation. This girl is dating a guy long distance. He comes to visit and gets stuck with her during quarantine. His trip is obviously extended indefinitely. They have been dating about 6 months - she says he's her bf but doesn't say whether they have had the "exclusivity talk." He has mentioned a female friend to her that he doesn't talk to anymore...she gets the sense it was more than what he's saying. She looks at his phone and see evidence that it was at least an emotional affair situation (the other woman is married but her bf was single at the time) if not a physical relationship too. She sees that they last spoke a few weeks before she got together with the guy. She approaches him about it and he deleted everything off the phone except for one photo (which she finds later) where the guy admitted his love for this woman. She approaches him again and he admits it was more than just a friendship.

Questions that came up when my partner and I discussed. I'm curious your take:

  • was the guy wrong to not give the full truth on the relationship when she asked? Is that lying?

  • can this guy be trusted in the future?

  • how "should" this situation have played out?

  • does someone witholding info or telling half truths about one aspect of their life indicate they can't be trusted in other aspects?

My partner and I (for what it's worth I'm female and he's male, we are both in our 30s, have been together about 3 years, and live together) had very different opinions about this. he felt like she violated trust by snooping through his phone... And he said that the guy probably just wanted to leave the whole situation behind hence why he didn't give the full story. But I said that it's one thing if he didn't volunteer the information... But since she asked he should have been honest. The snooping isn't great obviously but considering she found out that he professes love for this woman only a few weeks before they got together it seems somewhat important.

My partner didn't seem to think there was any reason not to trust this person in the future. But I felt like if you couldn't be honest about this, there was a strong possibility he would lie again in the future especially if it benefited him to do so.

The way we both agreed the situation should have played out is that she should not have snooped, but, when asked he should have said that either he "didn't want to talk about the situation" or he could have said it was "complicated"...or he could have been honest. But telling her a half truth led to more suspicion and breach of trust.

What do you think? I feel like this issue has underlying implications for my relationship as well... How we regard trust and honesty. So would love some different opinions.

Tldr; partner and I discussed a situation about trust and honesty and it led to an interesting discussion... But are we really as in sync as I hoped we were?



Submitted March 31, 2020 at 12:08AM

Major conversation with partner last night. Not really intentional. I'm curious y'all's take on this scenario (note this is not the scenario of us or anyone we know...but it's a real situation and led to a big conversation about the nature of trust and lying).Situation. This girl is dating a guy long distance. He comes to visit and gets stuck with her during quarantine. His trip is obviously extended indefinitely. They have been dating about 6 months - she says he's her bf but doesn't say whether they have had the "exclusivity talk." He has mentioned a female friend to her that he doesn't talk to anymore...she gets the sense it was more than what he's saying. She looks at his phone and see evidence that it was at least an emotional affair situation (the other woman is married but her bf was single at the time) if not a physical relationship too. She sees that they last spoke a few weeks before she got together with the guy. She approaches him about it and he deleted everything off the phone except for one photo (which she finds later) where the guy admitted his love for this woman. She approaches him again and he admits it was more than just a friendship.Questions that came up when my partner and I discussed. I'm curious your take:was the guy wrong to not give the full truth on the relationship when she asked? Is that lying?can this guy be trusted in the future?how "should" this situation have played out?does someone witholding info or telling half truths about one aspect of their life indicate they can't be trusted in other aspects?My partner and I (for what it's worth I'm female and he's male, we are both in our 30s, have been together about 3 years, and live together) had very different opinions about this. he felt like she violated trust by snooping through his phone... And he said that the guy probably just wanted to leave the whole situation behind hence why he didn't give the full story. But I said that it's one thing if he didn't volunteer the information... But since she asked he should have been honest. The snooping isn't great obviously but considering she found out that he professes love for this woman only a few weeks before they got together it seems somewhat important.My partner didn't seem to think there was any reason not to trust this person in the future. But I felt like if you couldn't be honest about this, there was a strong possibility he would lie again in the future especially if it benefited him to do so.The way we both agreed the situation should have played out is that she should not have snooped, but, when asked he should have said that either he "didn't want to talk about the situation" or he could have said it was "complicated"...or he could have been honest. But telling her a half truth led to more suspicion and breach of trust.What do you think? I feel like this issue has underlying implications for my relationship as well... How we regard trust and honesty. So would love some different opinions.Tldr; partner and I discussed a situation about trust and honesty and it led to an interesting discussion... But are we really as in sync as I hoped we were?
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