SO ex-wife is invited by his mother to their annual holiday abroad. How can I embrace it, instead of just being jealous about it?

Pardon me, because it's Long.

We were in a FWB type of relationship for one year, he [38M] was recovering from a divorce, I [36F] had and still have mental illness and a low self-esteem and I couldn't see myself as worth enough to be his partner. For nearly one year, I never asked. I never questioned. I dodged any proposal that was more than casual.

Our son thought otherwise. Just when we were going to break up and go separate ways, I was pregnant. We ruled out a termination, and he insisted to try to know each other better and co-parent this little bundle of surprise. Unfortunately my pregnancy was not simple, between therapy and bed rest, we grow distant. He was working crazy hours to make up for the paternity leave and holiday time, I was stuck in a bed all day.

Baby arrived early but healthy. I am not going to suggest that being a mother, fixed me or something, but, my mind changed a bit. For the first time in my life I am important to someone. I can do stuff and be proud of it. A lot of this new path is being prepared and created by a good therapist and a dear friend that are helping me to see the good side of things.

Being fired during pregnancy? No problem, more time with the baby!

Being dependent financially from SO? It's our baby and it's temporary!

Being in therapy? A step in the right direction!

Still believing that I am worthless and no sane person will love me? My baby loves me and if it's SO isn't, it's okay, we are co-parenting greatly! He makes me laugh, support me and he didn't run away. That's enough for now!

From being under the duvet to read or watch YouTube after work for years, to do some light yoga and stretching when the baby is napping.

The ex-wife ... she is perfect. A doctor [30s], top of her class, very pretty and into gym stuff. They were school sweethearts and shared all their 20s together and part of their 30s. I would not be so ... jealous of her, if she was just a ghost or glimpse of his past life. No, she is his sisters best friend. She came to visit me few times in hospital. It was not a weird encounter. She was nice, with the congratulations stuff, saying that particular doctor was very good. She even gave me some new magazine to read during my hospitalization. She was good on reassuring me about some of meds and the NICU department. I don't hold this on her. I can see that she is a decent person.

But the fact that she is still much involved in his family lives and activities makes me sad in a way that I can't even describe. The fact that she posted picture of him on social media and announced that her ex had a baby, to be praised by their circle of friends that I still didn't met or family that I know little about it, it's a bit hard to see past. Her name is constantly dropped by the rest of his siblings. Even after a small tentative to limit this, doesn't help. They love her, and the fact that I just came into their lives few months ago, pregnant and completely different from them, is something I can understand.

No degree from me, prestigious job, intellectual passion or knowledge of languages. This family is nearly all Academia. Since I got out from a long and abusive relationship, I was content to have a normal job in retail. I never pushed for a promotion or improved myself. I just needed money for the basics and some bills. At one point I did not have internet. Books from the library, usually romance, and that's it.

Quarantine was supposed to be a tragedy, but for me is a blessing. I am scared for the virus, of course, and we isolate ourselves since the day the baby was out of NICU. Didn't trust my gov and that proved me right, virus is spreading fast in my country and the numbers of people infected is increasing. But now, the rest of the family, who lives close to SO, are all closed up in their own homes. They are not passing at the house everyday or making remarks on how I should hold the baby, or what to cook or do get the old size back.

SO is being more close to me. From chatting more, taking more baby duties that I was expecting, showed me his new project at work or just few pictures of his childhood, cooking my favorite things, kissing me sometimes. Last week we tried to be intimate again. A bold thing to ask, but I needed to feel him close and I could see how much it was costing him to not being intimate. It was quite a disaster for me. Instead of being frustrated he simply told me that if I am not enjoying this, he can't really enjoy it too. After nearly a decade of abuse, after being treated as a doormat with no respect, to experience this, it's life changing. At least a bit. Do I love him? Yes, 100%. But he deserve to say no to me or to my baggage. I deserve to be happy for myself and not for him only. As the therapist said, I need to respect me first.

Now, we have zoom conference calls with his family. The only one who is bored and run away is the father, the rest is really using this time to chat, remember things or vents about the quarantine. I usually just got there to say hi to everybody and show the baby, if he is awake. None is really urged to talk to me at all. Yeah, they would ask if I am doing good or not, sleeping and eating and that's all about. I am not longing to have a great relationship with people that I barely know. They speak German and I don't, it's another layer in the issue.

The fact that the middle sister and younger brother were so eager to tell me that ex-wife is coming in August to the annual Austria trip. Well, that's make me question a bit. The mother had to add a tearful thank you to healthcare professional, using her former-daughter-in-law name and telling me specifically that I should be grateful that I give birth in her hospital, like she is the general director of the maternity ward or something. When I asked why, she was coming along, the sister told me to not be jealous, she is family! The mother maybe saw my expression and added that I was family too. Which I can't really believe.

After that call, I asked SO if he knew this and was comfortable. I got the quick answer on how they were together since secondary school. She learned German for him. She always had a tight relationship with his sisters. The annual trip to his mother's country was a thing of the family. And every year his parents invited people outside from the family group, friends and such. He told that if the baby is okay and quarantine is lifted, we can go for a week or so.

Now, my head is full of weird scenarios of her coming back in all her doctor-glory to pushed me away from all of this. How can I embrace this, instead of making me a jealous person?

I know that I am not bringing on the table anything of interesting. I am not bright or sophisticated. At the same time, I can't pretend that the siblings will break a long standing relationship with someone, only because it makes me uncomfortable. The few things they know about me, are not really great. I am the "FWB" of their older brother who got pregnancy, had a awful pregnancy, moved like a squatting person in his new house, has no savings or important role, jobless, and now mother of their nephew.SO doesn't want to talk about his ex or the divorce. I just know that he is over, but doesn't mind to have her around. So, I need to be able to put aside this, and find a way to be content about it. But how?

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TL;DR! SO's family has a real tight relationship with his ex-wife. How can I overcome feeling jealous about it?

Submitted March 31, 2020 at 12:08AM

Pardon me, because it's Long.We were in a FWB type of relationship for one year, he [38M] was recovering from a divorce, I [36F] had and still have mental illness and a low self-esteem and I couldn't see myself as worth enough to be his partner. For nearly one year, I never asked. I never questioned. I dodged any proposal that was more than casual.Our son thought otherwise. Just when we were going to break up and go separate ways, I was pregnant. We ruled out a termination, and he insisted to try to know each other better and co-parent this little bundle of surprise. Unfortunately my pregnancy was not simple, between therapy and bed rest, we grow distant. He was working crazy hours to make up for the paternity leave and holiday time, I was stuck in a bed all day.Baby arrived early but healthy. I am not going to suggest that being a mother, fixed me or something, but, my mind changed a bit. For the first time in my life I am important to someone. I can do stuff and be proud of it. A lot of this new path is being prepared and created by a good therapist and a dear friend that are helping me to see the good side of things.Being fired during pregnancy? No problem, more time with the baby!Being dependent financially from SO? It's our baby and it's temporary!Being in therapy? A step in the right direction!Still believing that I am worthless and no sane person will love me? My baby loves me and if it's SO isn't, it's okay, we are co-parenting greatly! He makes me laugh, support me and he didn't run away. That's enough for now!From being under the duvet to read or watch YouTube after work for years, to do some light yoga and stretching when the baby is napping.The ex-wife ... she is perfect. A doctor [30s], top of her class, very pretty and into gym stuff. They were school sweethearts and shared all their 20s together and part of their 30s. I would not be so ... jealous of her, if she was just a ghost or glimpse of his past life. No, she is his sisters best friend. She came to visit me few times in hospital. It was not a weird encounter. She was nice, with the congratulations stuff, saying that particular doctor was very good. She even gave me some new magazine to read during my hospitalization. She was good on reassuring me about some of meds and the NICU department. I don't hold this on her. I can see that she is a decent person.But the fact that she is still much involved in his family lives and activities makes me sad in a way that I can't even describe. The fact that she posted picture of him on social media and announced that her ex had a baby, to be praised by their circle of friends that I still didn't met or family that I know little about it, it's a bit hard to see past. Her name is constantly dropped by the rest of his siblings. Even after a small tentative to limit this, doesn't help. They love her, and the fact that I just came into their lives few months ago, pregnant and completely different from them, is something I can understand.No degree from me, prestigious job, intellectual passion or knowledge of languages. This family is nearly all Academia. Since I got out from a long and abusive relationship, I was content to have a normal job in retail. I never pushed for a promotion or improved myself. I just needed money for the basics and some bills. At one point I did not have internet. Books from the library, usually romance, and that's it.Quarantine was supposed to be a tragedy, but for me is a blessing. I am scared for the virus, of course, and we isolate ourselves since the day the baby was out of NICU. Didn't trust my gov and that proved me right, virus is spreading fast in my country and the numbers of people infected is increasing. But now, the rest of the family, who lives close to SO, are all closed up in their own homes. They are not passing at the house everyday or making remarks on how I should hold the baby, or what to cook or do get the old size back.SO is being more close to me. From chatting more, taking more baby duties that I was expecting, showed me his new project at work or just few pictures of his childhood, cooking my favorite things, kissing me sometimes. Last week we tried to be intimate again. A bold thing to ask, but I needed to feel him close and I could see how much it was costing him to not being intimate. It was quite a disaster for me. Instead of being frustrated he simply told me that if I am not enjoying this, he can't really enjoy it too. After nearly a decade of abuse, after being treated as a doormat with no respect, to experience this, it's life changing. At least a bit. Do I love him? Yes, 100%. But he deserve to say no to me or to my baggage. I deserve to be happy for myself and not for him only. As the therapist said, I need to respect me first.Now, we have zoom conference calls with his family. The only one who is bored and run away is the father, the rest is really using this time to chat, remember things or vents about the quarantine. I usually just got there to say hi to everybody and show the baby, if he is awake. None is really urged to talk to me at all. Yeah, they would ask if I am doing good or not, sleeping and eating and that's all about. I am not longing to have a great relationship with people that I barely know. They speak German and I don't, it's another layer in the issue.The fact that the middle sister and younger brother were so eager to tell me that ex-wife is coming in August to the annual Austria trip. Well, that's make me question a bit. The mother had to add a tearful thank you to healthcare professional, using her former-daughter-in-law name and telling me specifically that I should be grateful that I give birth in her hospital, like she is the general director of the maternity ward or something. When I asked why, she was coming along, the sister told me to not be jealous, she is family! The mother maybe saw my expression and added that I was family too. Which I can't really believe.After that call, I asked SO if he knew this and was comfortable. I got the quick answer on how they were together since secondary school. She learned German for him. She always had a tight relationship with his sisters. The annual trip to his mother's country was a thing of the family. And every year his parents invited people outside from the family group, friends and such. He told that if the baby is okay and quarantine is lifted, we can go for a week or so.Now, my head is full of weird scenarios of her coming back in all her doctor-glory to pushed me away from all of this. How can I embrace this, instead of making me a jealous person?I know that I am not bringing on the table anything of interesting. I am not bright or sophisticated. At the same time, I can't pretend that the siblings will break a long standing relationship with someone, only because it makes me uncomfortable. The few things they know about me, are not really great. I am the "FWB" of their older brother who got pregnancy, had a awful pregnancy, moved like a squatting person in his new house, has no savings or important role, jobless, and now mother of their nephew.SO doesn't want to talk about his ex or the divorce. I just know that he is over, but doesn't mind to have her around. So, I need to be able to put aside this, and find a way to be content about it. But how?​TL;DR! SO's family has a real tight relationship with his ex-wife. How can I overcome feeling jealous about it?