Funeral etiquette

My very close friend's brother just passed away unexpectedly. The incident happened Thursday night, she let me know Friday morning as we had plans that evening and she obviously canceled. I am close with her family, I have spent few christmases and family trips with them over the years.

I wasn't super close with her brother, but we got along well when we saw and I cared about him, and we often talked about what he was up to and how he was doing in life.

I've reached out and offered her condolences and help with whatever she needs, and only had a short reply back of I love you, which is of course totally understandable. She has a lot on her plate and I dont expect her to talk to me until shes ready, I just wanted her to know I am here.

Obviously I want to attend the funeral, and I've already talked to my boss and he is more than willing to work around it, but he needs to know the date. The problem is I work remotely with a fairly long commute and generally 8-15 day shifts. I'm set to go back out Monday or Tuesday. I don't know when the funeral is, but if I go back to work and have to leave two days later that causes a lot of issues for my boss and the jobsite, they cant work if my position isnt filled. It would make sense for me to stay home if the service happens soon, but I also cant afford to take a whole extra week off, so if it's not until next weekend I could probably go out and come back a few days early.

Obviously this is my logistical stuff to work out, but if I don't know by tomorrow I may risk missing the service or more days of work than I can reasonably miss. I dont want to bother my friend right now, and it's not her problem that I need to sort my schedule out. I want to be there for her and her family, my main concern is being supportive of them right now.

Is there a way to inquire about the funeral without coming across as rude or causing undue stress to people I care about? Should I just go back to work and try to sort it out when they reach out?

I cant think of anyone outside of the immediate family who would know before me. Except maybe her sister's fiance, but I'm not sure I would be able to find his info, and I'm not sure that would be an appropriate person to reach out to either.

TLDR: How do I gently ask a friend when her brothers funeral service will be held so I can make work arrangements and not miss it?



Submitted October 05, 2019 at 10:36PM

My very close friend's brother just passed away unexpectedly. The incident happened Thursday night, she let me know Friday morning as we had plans that evening and she obviously canceled. I am close with her family, I have spent few christmases and family trips with them over the years.I wasn't super close with her brother, but we got along well when we saw and I cared about him, and we often talked about what he was up to and how he was doing in life.I've reached out and offered her condolences and help with whatever she needs, and only had a short reply back of I love you, which is of course totally understandable. She has a lot on her plate and I dont expect her to talk to me until shes ready, I just wanted her to know I am here.Obviously I want to attend the funeral, and I've already talked to my boss and he is more than willing to work around it, but he needs to know the date. The problem is I work remotely with a fairly long commute and generally 8-15 day shifts. I'm set to go back out Monday or Tuesday. I don't know when the funeral is, but if I go back to work and have to leave two days later that causes a lot of issues for my boss and the jobsite, they cant work if my position isnt filled. It would make sense for me to stay home if the service happens soon, but I also cant afford to take a whole extra week off, so if it's not until next weekend I could probably go out and come back a few days early.Obviously this is my logistical stuff to work out, but if I don't know by tomorrow I may risk missing the service or more days of work than I can reasonably miss. I dont want to bother my friend right now, and it's not her problem that I need to sort my schedule out. I want to be there for her and her family, my main concern is being supportive of them right now.Is there a way to inquire about the funeral without coming across as rude or causing undue stress to people I care about? Should I just go back to work and try to sort it out when they reach out?I cant think of anyone outside of the immediate family who would know before me. Except maybe her sister's fiance, but I'm not sure I would be able to find his info, and I'm not sure that would be an appropriate person to reach out to either.TLDR: How do I gently ask a friend when her brothers funeral service will be held so I can make work arrangements and not miss it?
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