Advice for supporting my [28F] husband [27M] through the anniversary of his Dad's passing?

My husband is the Andy Dwyer to my April Ludgate and I am so damn lucky to have him. But as the pessimist in our marriage, I'm having a hard time helping "Andy" with his current patch of melancholy.

It's a cliche, but we've been through a lot together. In our first 6 months of dating, we both had some professional setbacks and moved provinces. During that same period, Andy's father passed abruptly while we were across the country. Some days it feels like every time we've managed to catch our breath, the next crisis is right around the corner. We're barely financially stable now, thanks to very careful budgeting.

Throughout everything, my husband is still the kindest, most patient person I've ever met. Andy projects a very friendly, optimistic personality to others, because he never likes to bring the mood down. However, he really struggles to extend that same kindness towards himself. Instead, like many men, he bottles up his anxieties and insecurities. He has a very low opinion of himself and his physical appearance, to the point that he avoids public changing rooms.

This summer has been especially rough for Andy. He was struggling even before his mother came to visit for his birthday, a visit that ended very sourly. He's lost interest in many of his hobbies and feels exhausted constantly. Many nights he'll go to bed early because it's "more productive" than curling up on the couch staring at his phone. Even then, Andy rarely sleeps through the night any more. Throughout the summer, at least once a week he'll have a couple of drinks to relax, but in the past month the drinks have gotten stronger and more frequent.

Both of us struggle with chronic depression, and cannot currently afford to see a doctor. Most low-income therapists in our city are not accepting new patients, or only see patients during our work hours. Until things change, we try to stick to a healthy schedule. Andy bikes nearly every day and we both cook, so our diet isn't too bad. I tell him how much I love him (and his body!) constantly, but I'm also very familiar with how depression can make it difficult to believe positive words. I often gently remind him that there's no pressure, but any time he wants to talk, I'm here.

In a few weeks, it'll be the 2nd anniversary of his dad's passing. Last year, Andy brought home a 24-pack of his dad's favourite beer and drank nearly all of it that night. Even in the best of times, grief is complicated. Andy rarely talks about his dad, if at all. We saved several of his father's personal mementos framed throughout our apartment, but he keeps all photos hidden deep in our closet and never takes them out. Given the past few months, I am (pessimistically) very worried for him.

I am lucky that I have not yet experienced a loss on the same scale. But as a pessimist, my friends usually reach out for dry remarks rather than cheerful words. I wish I had something better to say or do, beyond the "routine" of reassuring Andy how much I love him and that I'm here for him.

Any advice or personal anecdotes about handling the death/anniversary of a loved one is greatly appreciated.

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TL;DR My husband Andy is already struggling with an extended depressive episode, and I need some advice on being supportive with the anniversary of his dad's death coming up.

Submitted September 10, 2019 at 11:01PM

My husband is the Andy Dwyer to my April Ludgate and I am so damn lucky to have him. But as the pessimist in our marriage, I'm having a hard time helping "Andy" with his current patch of melancholy.It's a cliche, but we've been through a lot together. In our first 6 months of dating, we both had some professional setbacks and moved provinces. During that same period, Andy's father passed abruptly while we were across the country. Some days it feels like every time we've managed to catch our breath, the next crisis is right around the corner. We're barely financially stable now, thanks to very careful budgeting.Throughout everything, my husband is still the kindest, most patient person I've ever met. Andy projects a very friendly, optimistic personality to others, because he never likes to bring the mood down. However, he really struggles to extend that same kindness towards himself. Instead, like many men, he bottles up his anxieties and insecurities. He has a very low opinion of himself and his physical appearance, to the point that he avoids public changing rooms.This summer has been especially rough for Andy. He was struggling even before his mother came to visit for his birthday, a visit that ended very sourly. He's lost interest in many of his hobbies and feels exhausted constantly. Many nights he'll go to bed early because it's "more productive" than curling up on the couch staring at his phone. Even then, Andy rarely sleeps through the night any more. Throughout the summer, at least once a week he'll have a couple of drinks to relax, but in the past month the drinks have gotten stronger and more frequent.Both of us struggle with chronic depression, and cannot currently afford to see a doctor. Most low-income therapists in our city are not accepting new patients, or only see patients during our work hours. Until things change, we try to stick to a healthy schedule. Andy bikes nearly every day and we both cook, so our diet isn't too bad. I tell him how much I love him (and his body!) constantly, but I'm also very familiar with how depression can make it difficult to believe positive words. I often gently remind him that there's no pressure, but any time he wants to talk, I'm here.In a few weeks, it'll be the 2nd anniversary of his dad's passing. Last year, Andy brought home a 24-pack of his dad's favourite beer and drank nearly all of it that night. Even in the best of times, grief is complicated. Andy rarely talks about his dad, if at all. We saved several of his father's personal mementos framed throughout our apartment, but he keeps all photos hidden deep in our closet and never takes them out. Given the past few months, I am (pessimistically) very worried for him.I am lucky that I have not yet experienced a loss on the same scale. But as a pessimist, my friends usually reach out for dry remarks rather than cheerful words. I wish I had something better to say or do, beyond the "routine" of reassuring Andy how much I love him and that I'm here for him.Any advice or personal anecdotes about handling the death/anniversary of a loved one is greatly appreciated.----TL;DR My husband Andy is already struggling with an extended depressive episode, and I need some advice on being supportive with the anniversary of his dad's death coming up.