My boyfriend’s [26M] therapist thinks he’s a sociopath, should I [26 F] keep putting in effort to try to make it work?

I’ve been seeing my SO on and off for about a year and a half. I try really hard to make my friends and family like him and only say good things about him so that my people don’t worry about me/me being with him. But everyone in my life whose met him strongly dislikes him and thinks there’s something very wrong with him.

I love (almost) all of his friends, and they have become good friends of mine. But he tells me all the time that his friends and family all hate me. And every time he tells me that I say to him that it makes me feel bad and that I don’t want to think about the people in his life “hating” me. Yet he continues to do it with seemingly no regard for my feelings. And when I’ve asked him why they feel that way about me (this includes people I’ve never even met) he says it’s because they all think I’m a liar. But I’ve always been as honest, upfront and as transparent as possible with him. I do not lie to him. He told me that he will convince the people in his life to like me again once he decides he needs to... which I know is obviously a pretty big red flag.

I said to him that I wouldn’t keep trying to make this work unless he started talking to a therapist, because he does have some severe emotional issues and tends to lash out at me when he’s upset in ways that are fairly manipulative. I’ve had multiple friends send me articles about gaslighting (completely unprompted) and I’ve had friends give me interventions about the way he’s treating me based on what they’ve witnessed. One of his oldest friends recently dropped him (in addition to dropping several of their close mutual friends who have stood up for my SO’s actions). His ex-friend said he can no longer be friends with my SO because of the he’s treating me—he says he can’t stand by and watch what he’s doing to me anymore.

His therapist has very recently diagnosed him with narcissism, as well as antisocial personality disorder (she thinks he has sociopathic tendencies). He told me he’s done research on it and agrees that he definitely does have a fair amount of traits matching the diagnoses. I previously had some small suspicions that he might have both of those disorders but I have a tendency to give him the benefit of the doubt and I have always wanted to believe the best in him so I’ve convinced myself that there’s some sort of less damning explanation (like maybe he’s autistic and just doesn’t realize how his interactions are being received). He had even started saying stuff like “sorry I’m autistic” after every time he did something shitty to justify it and avoid taking any accountability for his actions. But after the diagnoses he told me he does actually know when he does something that’s mean, he just can’t really help it and does it anyways. He keeps saying to me that he really doesn’t want to believe he’s a bad person though and he’s been having a very difficult time coping with finally realizing that there’s something very wrong with some of the things he says/does. He says he’s been suicidal over it.

I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore after he told me about the antisocial personality disorder diagnosis, which came shortly after his friend decided he couldn’t stand by idly anymore. I broke it off and told him I needed to protect myself because if he can’t feel empathy, remorse or guilt when he treats me poorly that I can’t justify myself trying to make this relationship work anymore. The narcissism is hard on me but it’s something I felt I could deal with—everyone has faults. But I can’t be with someone who doesn’t care if they’ve hurt me.

I’ve been trying to help support him and told him I’d be there for him no matter what because I’m really worried about him hurting himself. And I kinda fell back into our relationship while trying to make him feel better (I didn’t manage to stick to just consoling). Now he says he does in fact have empathy but that it’s just “dampened,” or a significantly lesser version of it than the majority of people have. He says he does care for the people in his life and doesn’t want to hurt me. He told me he’s been “self-harming” and when I asked what he meant he said that when he’d originally confirmed to me that the therapist was 100% right about him being a sociopath, he did so in order to push me away because he thinks he “deserved to be punished for being a bad person.”

He has kind of a strange complex around punishment. Whenever he gets upset he accuses me of “punishing” him when I try to stand up for myself and explain to him why he’s not being fair to me.

I love him so much. I’ve never been more attracted to anyone in my life. We have such a great connection on so many levels. We’ve texted back and forth all day long almost everyday for the past year and a half. He makes me laugh constantly and I think he’s so smart. We have a super good time together when he’s not being inconsiderate towards me or others.

He does cause a lot of unnecessary issues and is highly critical of me. He told his friends for the first year we dated that he was just using me for sex even though he was telling me the whole time that he loved me. And his friend who recently dropped him told me he said to all his friends a month ago that I have an “average face” even though most people describe me as pretty cute. My SO says he’d only said that about me to make his ex-friend feel better about his “average-faced” girlfriend so that ex-friend wouldn’t be as jealous about what my SO has with me. My SO also said that at the same time that he’d said I had an average-looking face that he’d also said I had the best possible figure—SO told me he didn’t want ex-friend to feel bad by thinking that my SO had the perfect life. My SO also thinks his ex-friend has a crush on me (I don’t think he does, I think he’s just sticking up for me because he’s a genuinely good guy).

My friends keep pushing me to move on, saying I can do better, etc, but I’m head over heels for this dude. I don’t think he intends to be mean when he is, I think he just lacks social/emotional intelligence. He’s really good at math and is highly analytical. I think there could be a chance that he just thinks about things very differently than I do.

I’m definitely the reverse of him in terms of types of intelligence. I am not particularly analytical or calculating but I’m very good at communicating my feelings to him. No matter how much logic I provide however, to try to help him understand where I’m coming from, he often still cannot understand why the mean things he says or does hurt my feelings. And he gets upset that I’m not focused on him and his feelings when I’m trying to explain to him why what he’s doing in that moment isn’t really fair to me.

Am I being stupid/naive/wasting my time and emotional energy by continuing to try to make things work with him? I am so so in love with him. I really do want to make things work. He always tells me he wants to marry me and have a family with me, it’s something we’ve talked about so many times. And I often really do think he could be the one.

TLDR; my boyfriend is maybe a sociopath (outdated term) and potentially does things to try to make me feel bad on a semi-regular basis. I want to try to make things work anyways because there are some really good aspects of our relationship. He says he is trying to be better (started seeing a therapist/says he doesn’t want to hurt me). We have crazy good chemistry and I’m head over heels in love with him. Is there any possible way I could have a healthy relationship with someone who exhibits these behaviors towards me?

Thank you for reading and any/all input!! I greatly appreciate it

Submitted July 12, 2019 at 10:34PM

I’ve been seeing my SO on and off for about a year and a half. I try really hard to make my friends and family like him and only say good things about him so that my people don’t worry about me/me being with him. But everyone in my life whose met him strongly dislikes him and thinks there’s something very wrong with him.I love (almost) all of his friends, and they have become good friends of mine. But he tells me all the time that his friends and family all hate me. And every time he tells me that I say to him that it makes me feel bad and that I don’t want to think about the people in his life “hating” me. Yet he continues to do it with seemingly no regard for my feelings. And when I’ve asked him why they feel that way about me (this includes people I’ve never even met) he says it’s because they all think I’m a liar. But I’ve always been as honest, upfront and as transparent as possible with him. I do not lie to him. He told me that he will convince the people in his life to like me again once he decides he needs to... which I know is obviously a pretty big red flag.I said to him that I wouldn’t keep trying to make this work unless he started talking to a therapist, because he does have some severe emotional issues and tends to lash out at me when he’s upset in ways that are fairly manipulative. I’ve had multiple friends send me articles about gaslighting (completely unprompted) and I’ve had friends give me interventions about the way he’s treating me based on what they’ve witnessed. One of his oldest friends recently dropped him (in addition to dropping several of their close mutual friends who have stood up for my SO’s actions). His ex-friend said he can no longer be friends with my SO because of the he’s treating me—he says he can’t stand by and watch what he’s doing to me anymore.His therapist has very recently diagnosed him with narcissism, as well as antisocial personality disorder (she thinks he has sociopathic tendencies). He told me he’s done research on it and agrees that he definitely does have a fair amount of traits matching the diagnoses. I previously had some small suspicions that he might have both of those disorders but I have a tendency to give him the benefit of the doubt and I have always wanted to believe the best in him so I’ve convinced myself that there’s some sort of less damning explanation (like maybe he’s autistic and just doesn’t realize how his interactions are being received). He had even started saying stuff like “sorry I’m autistic” after every time he did something shitty to justify it and avoid taking any accountability for his actions. But after the diagnoses he told me he does actually know when he does something that’s mean, he just can’t really help it and does it anyways. He keeps saying to me that he really doesn’t want to believe he’s a bad person though and he’s been having a very difficult time coping with finally realizing that there’s something very wrong with some of the things he says/does. He says he’s been suicidal over it.I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore after he told me about the antisocial personality disorder diagnosis, which came shortly after his friend decided he couldn’t stand by idly anymore. I broke it off and told him I needed to protect myself because if he can’t feel empathy, remorse or guilt when he treats me poorly that I can’t justify myself trying to make this relationship work anymore. The narcissism is hard on me but it’s something I felt I could deal with—everyone has faults. But I can’t be with someone who doesn’t care if they’ve hurt me.I’ve been trying to help support him and told him I’d be there for him no matter what because I’m really worried about him hurting himself. And I kinda fell back into our relationship while trying to make him feel better (I didn’t manage to stick to just consoling). Now he says he does in fact have empathy but that it’s just “dampened,” or a significantly lesser version of it than the majority of people have. He says he does care for the people in his life and doesn’t want to hurt me. He told me he’s been “self-harming” and when I asked what he meant he said that when he’d originally confirmed to me that the therapist was 100% right about him being a sociopath, he did so in order to push me away because he thinks he “deserved to be punished for being a bad person.”He has kind of a strange complex around punishment. Whenever he gets upset he accuses me of “punishing” him when I try to stand up for myself and explain to him why he’s not being fair to me.I love him so much. I’ve never been more attracted to anyone in my life. We have such a great connection on so many levels. We’ve texted back and forth all day long almost everyday for the past year and a half. He makes me laugh constantly and I think he’s so smart. We have a super good time together when he’s not being inconsiderate towards me or others.He does cause a lot of unnecessary issues and is highly critical of me. He told his friends for the first year we dated that he was just using me for sex even though he was telling me the whole time that he loved me. And his friend who recently dropped him told me he said to all his friends a month ago that I have an “average face” even though most people describe me as pretty cute. My SO says he’d only said that about me to make his ex-friend feel better about his “average-faced” girlfriend so that ex-friend wouldn’t be as jealous about what my SO has with me. My SO also said that at the same time that he’d said I had an average-looking face that he’d also said I had the best possible figure—SO told me he didn’t want ex-friend to feel bad by thinking that my SO had the perfect life. My SO also thinks his ex-friend has a crush on me (I don’t think he does, I think he’s just sticking up for me because he’s a genuinely good guy).My friends keep pushing me to move on, saying I can do better, etc, but I’m head over heels for this dude. I don’t think he intends to be mean when he is, I think he just lacks social/emotional intelligence. He’s really good at math and is highly analytical. I think there could be a chance that he just thinks about things very differently than I do.I’m definitely the reverse of him in terms of types of intelligence. I am not particularly analytical or calculating but I’m very good at communicating my feelings to him. No matter how much logic I provide however, to try to help him understand where I’m coming from, he often still cannot understand why the mean things he says or does hurt my feelings. And he gets upset that I’m not focused on him and his feelings when I’m trying to explain to him why what he’s doing in that moment isn’t really fair to me.Am I being stupid/naive/wasting my time and emotional energy by continuing to try to make things work with him? I am so so in love with him. I really do want to make things work. He always tells me he wants to marry me and have a family with me, it’s something we’ve talked about so many times. And I often really do think he could be the one.TLDR; my boyfriend is maybe a sociopath (outdated term) and potentially does things to try to make me feel bad on a semi-regular basis. I want to try to make things work anyways because there are some really good aspects of our relationship. He says he is trying to be better (started seeing a therapist/says he doesn’t want to hurt me). We have crazy good chemistry and I’m head over heels in love with him. Is there any possible way I could have a healthy relationship with someone who exhibits these behaviors towards me?Thank you for reading and any/all input!! I greatly appreciate it