My [36M] good friend/ ex-wife [33F] falling into old ways of communicating and it's annoying my girlfriend [32F].

TLDR: Ex-wife and I are good friends and my girlfriend is fine with it. But now my ex-wife contacts me over the smallest things, too often and otherwise don't seem to accept I am not available all the time. To the point that she makes a messenger conversation with me and my girlfriend asking about how me and her divided our things in our divorce years ago, despite being fully capable of finding that out on her own by looking over her own stuff. All of it is starting to bug my girlfriend and I'm not really sure how to navigate it as I do consider her a good friend, but I am not about to let her be a thorn in my relationship with my girlfriend.

Full thing:

I divorced my wife a few years ago, we were just not good for each other anymore. Nothing hostile, the relationship was just dead. After the divorce my ex-wife thanked me for being brave in ending it since she hadn't realized how far apart we had drifted and once on her on for a while she realized I was right. So once the dust had settled, we found ourselves to be pretty good friends. To a point I would argue we might have always been better friends than we ever were partners.

Over the years since our divorce we have had pretty regular contact either over the phone or otherwise. Mostly discussing life in general or whatever bad date we were on. But we have always cheered each other on regarding finding someone else. So once I met my girlfriend, I knew that I had to explain to her about my rather close relationship to my ex-wife. She was cool with it but definitely wanted to meet my ex-wife to make sure it was as platonic as I told her. After an afternoon of coffee, she was super chill about it all. She said she could tell we had history since we partially still spoke to each other as a tired old married couple but in a way that didn't bother her, and she didn't sense anything weird, just platonic friendship.

Things worked pretty good until recently when my ex-wife had some relationship issues after dating a dude that eventually ghosted her when she thought they were meant to be. She was calling me a lot more for advice, and ironically rarely implementing them despite her better judgement. She was blinded by her infatuation by the dude and did everything wrong and just dug herself deeper in misery rather than move on. Here my girlfriend started to get a bit annoyed, especially when my ex-wife would call late in the evenings on weekends. Not only was my girlfriend tired of my ex-wife's self-destructive lack of self-respect, but she was also getting tired of how much she would call me.

After one late evening call, I told my ex-wife to try to cool it a little with the calling unless it was super important. And maybe don't call at hours of the day she knows me and my girlfriend is probably doing something together or going to bed. I can always have my phone on silent but I don't want to have to ignore my phone, but I have to respect my girlfriend's feelings which is my number one priority. My ex-wife said she understood and told me she'll back off a little, as she didn't want to indirectly be the cause of relationship issues for me and my girlfriend.

That worked for a while but now she's back at it, not that she calls late but she seems completely unable to have a type of contact that I have with most of my friends, which might sometimes be sporadic. If I don't pick up the phone, she'll call 2-4 times in a row or more before giving up. One would figure once was enough, since I tend to call back when/if I can and she can always text me letting me know if something is important. I had a real busy week and that happened the other day, but the only thing she texted was asking if I was alive. I was about to reply to the text in the middle of a busy day when she makes a messenger conversation with me and my girlfriend asking which of two kitchen utilities she and I took in our divorce, since she was going out to buy the other one of them. Not only did that seem like a really pointless question to ask, since she could just go through her own stuff to find that out herself, but what really bothered me was why include my girlfriend in the conversation?

My girlfriend told me it felt really weird, as she really has no interest in hearing about how me and my ex-wife divided our things during our divorce. Because that just brings back the fact that me and my ex-wife are not just friends with no history, she felt like my past became more alive again as if my ex-wife was talking to me like we divorced yesterday. The only thing I can think of, is my ex-wife trying to get my attention indirectly by making some excuse to contact me and using my girlfriend as leverage. It all just really bothered me.

So now I'm sort of torn, on one hand I do consider her a good friend but as my girlfriend points out, she seems emotionally unstable after a bunch of bad dating experiences shattering some of her self-esteem. And that she seems to treat me as 'the man in her life' that she contacts whenever she needs something. And I am really starting to see it. I don't want to tell my ex-wife that I don't want anything to do with her, but I also don't want her to think I'm available 24/7 or that I am not going to put my girlfriend's feelings above her if it comes down to that.

Sorry for the long rambling post, any advice?

Submitted July 28, 2019 at 11:14PM

TLDR: Ex-wife and I are good friends and my girlfriend is fine with it. But now my ex-wife contacts me over the smallest things, too often and otherwise don't seem to accept I am not available all the time. To the point that she makes a messenger conversation with me and my girlfriend asking about how me and her divided our things in our divorce years ago, despite being fully capable of finding that out on her own by looking over her own stuff. All of it is starting to bug my girlfriend and I'm not really sure how to navigate it as I do consider her a good friend, but I am not about to let her be a thorn in my relationship with my girlfriend.Full thing:I divorced my wife a few years ago, we were just not good for each other anymore. Nothing hostile, the relationship was just dead. After the divorce my ex-wife thanked me for being brave in ending it since she hadn't realized how far apart we had drifted and once on her on for a while she realized I was right. So once the dust had settled, we found ourselves to be pretty good friends. To a point I would argue we might have always been better friends than we ever were partners.Over the years since our divorce we have had pretty regular contact either over the phone or otherwise. Mostly discussing life in general or whatever bad date we were on. But we have always cheered each other on regarding finding someone else. So once I met my girlfriend, I knew that I had to explain to her about my rather close relationship to my ex-wife. She was cool with it but definitely wanted to meet my ex-wife to make sure it was as platonic as I told her. After an afternoon of coffee, she was super chill about it all. She said she could tell we had history since we partially still spoke to each other as a tired old married couple but in a way that didn't bother her, and she didn't sense anything weird, just platonic friendship.Things worked pretty good until recently when my ex-wife had some relationship issues after dating a dude that eventually ghosted her when she thought they were meant to be. She was calling me a lot more for advice, and ironically rarely implementing them despite her better judgement. She was blinded by her infatuation by the dude and did everything wrong and just dug herself deeper in misery rather than move on. Here my girlfriend started to get a bit annoyed, especially when my ex-wife would call late in the evenings on weekends. Not only was my girlfriend tired of my ex-wife's self-destructive lack of self-respect, but she was also getting tired of how much she would call me.After one late evening call, I told my ex-wife to try to cool it a little with the calling unless it was super important. And maybe don't call at hours of the day she knows me and my girlfriend is probably doing something together or going to bed. I can always have my phone on silent but I don't want to have to ignore my phone, but I have to respect my girlfriend's feelings which is my number one priority. My ex-wife said she understood and told me she'll back off a little, as she didn't want to indirectly be the cause of relationship issues for me and my girlfriend.That worked for a while but now she's back at it, not that she calls late but she seems completely unable to have a type of contact that I have with most of my friends, which might sometimes be sporadic. If I don't pick up the phone, she'll call 2-4 times in a row or more before giving up. One would figure once was enough, since I tend to call back when/if I can and she can always text me letting me know if something is important. I had a real busy week and that happened the other day, but the only thing she texted was asking if I was alive. I was about to reply to the text in the middle of a busy day when she makes a messenger conversation with me and my girlfriend asking which of two kitchen utilities she and I took in our divorce, since she was going out to buy the other one of them. Not only did that seem like a really pointless question to ask, since she could just go through her own stuff to find that out herself, but what really bothered me was why include my girlfriend in the conversation?My girlfriend told me it felt really weird, as she really has no interest in hearing about how me and my ex-wife divided our things during our divorce. Because that just brings back the fact that me and my ex-wife are not just friends with no history, she felt like my past became more alive again as if my ex-wife was talking to me like we divorced yesterday. The only thing I can think of, is my ex-wife trying to get my attention indirectly by making some excuse to contact me and using my girlfriend as leverage. It all just really bothered me.So now I'm sort of torn, on one hand I do consider her a good friend but as my girlfriend points out, she seems emotionally unstable after a bunch of bad dating experiences shattering some of her self-esteem. And that she seems to treat me as 'the man in her life' that she contacts whenever she needs something. And I am really starting to see it. I don't want to tell my ex-wife that I don't want anything to do with her, but I also don't want her to think I'm available 24/7 or that I am not going to put my girlfriend's feelings above her if it comes down to that.Sorry for the long rambling post, any advice?