[29/F] Finally in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend [25/M] but still plagued by my lesbian past.

So I'm 30 now, and I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. He is excited for our future together, but I'm still struggling to get over my past.

I spent the majority of my 20's as a single woman. I guess I was desirable enough, but I was kind of shy, inexperienced and kept to myself. The only person that made me happy was my best friend who was so bubbly and cool, and I developed strong same-sex feelings for her (she was a lesbian). I was intensely in love and kept it hidden for years and never said anything, torturing myself, until eventually she got a new girlfriend. This basically destroyed every fantasy of us ending up together and it was painful to be around. She then noticed I was being distant with her, so I ended up confessing my feelings in an emotional speech and while she was sympathetic, she didn't want anything more.

I felt absolutely crushed, but I had no choice but to pick myself up and move on with my life. After years of following her around like a lovesick puppy, I decided to move to a new town, pursue new friends, and come out as bisexual. It took many months for me to get over my friend, but I met so many nice new people and I felt so free to be myself, that I actually became really, really happy for a while.

Then one of my new male friends (who is also bisexual) admitted he had feelings for me since the day we met. I wasn't looking for a relationship but he had always been so nice to be that I decided to take a chance. Now he's my boyfriend, and he treats me the way I always wanted to be treated. He adores me and wants a future with me, yet I'm scared.

Lately I've been getting these feelings of dread and unhappiness and I don't know why. As an example, last weekend, we went to a party with all of our friends. We danced, we laughed, and my boyfriend introduced me to new people who all adored me and told him how lucky he was to have me. I've never felt more adored and loved, and for brief moments it does make me feel very happy, but that feeling never lasts long at all. When I got home at the end of the night I felt drained and melancholy, and I just wanted to be alone for the next few days.

I guess sometimes I feel like it's all fake, this new life I have. I think back to when I was 25, obsessing over my female friend, thinking I'd never find love. Now I have someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, wants marriage, kids etc and I'm thinking "is this me?", "can I do this?".

I'm on a waiting list to speak to a therapist but in the meantime I'm just looking for help with my constant feelings of doubt. Sometimes I feel guilty for not feeling intensely for my boyfriend as I did with my female friend. I do like him a lot but it's not the same passion and adoration I felt before. I wonder if I even love him in THAT way sometimes. Our sex life is still good but the butterflies aren't always there any more. I guess the honeymoon period has faded now and I'm starting to pick up on flaws and question if we're right for each other. I hear this is fairly normal but I've never been with anyone long enough to know what to do about it, so any advice?

tl;dr -- I'm in a long-term relationship after years of being single, pining over a same sex friend. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the fact I have someone who adores me and wants a future with me, when I sought that for so long. I guess I don't know what to do with myself. It feels like all the struggle and challenge is over but its daunting... because I'm like 'what next?'



Submitted July 28, 2019 at 11:44PM

So I'm 30 now, and I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. He is excited for our future together, but I'm still struggling to get over my past.I spent the majority of my 20's as a single woman. I guess I was desirable enough, but I was kind of shy, inexperienced and kept to myself. The only person that made me happy was my best friend who was so bubbly and cool, and I developed strong same-sex feelings for her (she was a lesbian). I was intensely in love and kept it hidden for years and never said anything, torturing myself, until eventually she got a new girlfriend. This basically destroyed every fantasy of us ending up together and it was painful to be around. She then noticed I was being distant with her, so I ended up confessing my feelings in an emotional speech and while she was sympathetic, she didn't want anything more.I felt absolutely crushed, but I had no choice but to pick myself up and move on with my life. After years of following her around like a lovesick puppy, I decided to move to a new town, pursue new friends, and come out as bisexual. It took many months for me to get over my friend, but I met so many nice new people and I felt so free to be myself, that I actually became really, really happy for a while.Then one of my new male friends (who is also bisexual) admitted he had feelings for me since the day we met. I wasn't looking for a relationship but he had always been so nice to be that I decided to take a chance. Now he's my boyfriend, and he treats me the way I always wanted to be treated. He adores me and wants a future with me, yet I'm scared.Lately I've been getting these feelings of dread and unhappiness and I don't know why. As an example, last weekend, we went to a party with all of our friends. We danced, we laughed, and my boyfriend introduced me to new people who all adored me and told him how lucky he was to have me. I've never felt more adored and loved, and for brief moments it does make me feel very happy, but that feeling never lasts long at all. When I got home at the end of the night I felt drained and melancholy, and I just wanted to be alone for the next few days.I guess sometimes I feel like it's all fake, this new life I have. I think back to when I was 25, obsessing over my female friend, thinking I'd never find love. Now I have someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, wants marriage, kids etc and I'm thinking "is this me?", "can I do this?".I'm on a waiting list to speak to a therapist but in the meantime I'm just looking for help with my constant feelings of doubt. Sometimes I feel guilty for not feeling intensely for my boyfriend as I did with my female friend. I do like him a lot but it's not the same passion and adoration I felt before. I wonder if I even love him in THAT way sometimes. Our sex life is still good but the butterflies aren't always there any more. I guess the honeymoon period has faded now and I'm starting to pick up on flaws and question if we're right for each other. I hear this is fairly normal but I've never been with anyone long enough to know what to do about it, so any advice?tl;dr -- I'm in a long-term relationship after years of being single, pining over a same sex friend. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the fact I have someone who adores me and wants a future with me, when I sought that for so long. I guess I don't know what to do with myself. It feels like all the struggle and challenge is over but its daunting... because I'm like 'what next?'
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