I (20F) feel disconnected from my feelings with my boyfriend (23M) after an assault incident

I've been with my man for a year and a half, and it's been the best year of my life. He absolutely made me a better person and brought out the best of me, I love the me I am with him and most importantly; I love him.
However, we had our ups and downs and two months ago I broke up with him. He had been acting toxic for a while, dismissing and ignoring me and I couldn't put up with it anymore. I mean it when I say I was obsessed about him, in love head over heels. He reacted very negatively but thankfully we made up and we are both on the right track now, no toxicity and just caring for eachother.

Here's the thing: when we broke up, I got drunk with one of my best friends (21M) and he tried to initiate intimacy. Although I had previously told him I DON'T want any intimacy, and that I am not ready to even think about him that way, he still insisted. Even when I cried because he wouldn't stop forcing himself on me, he briefly reassured me and then continued trying to get me to say yes, touching me and trying to kiss me. This of course ruined my one and only friendship. Our mutual friend even took his side, which only helped to solidify the awful thoughts I had on my mind; that it's my fault, that I'm a wh*re, that I'm unfaithful even. I had to literally tell me friend not to vent, or seek advice, but solely to hear her tell me that it's not my fault. I was guilt tripping myself so harshly that I needed someone to tell me otherwise.

Ever since then, I've been extremely apathetic and perhaps depressed. I am planning on telling my boyfriend when I'm ready, but as for now I feel like I don't love him the same way. There are moments of almost lucidity when I feel okay, happy, in love, sad even. Anything other than disconnected. What I need to know is if this is going to pass. I need it to pass because loving him feels better than anything in the entire world. I do love him now, and I feel it. I just don't feel it in the same magnitude I did before we broke up. What can I do? Is this feeling related to my general apathy? Am I in the wrong for anything besides trusting a friend too much?

TL;DR: After a very bad incident with a friend, I feel apathetic and disconnected from my feelings. Will I be able to love in the same way again? Is this going to pass?



Submitted September 05, 2020 at 12:21AM

I've been with my man for a year and a half, and it's been the best year of my life. He absolutely made me a better person and brought out the best of me, I love the me I am with him and most importantly; I love him.However, we had our ups and downs and two months ago I broke up with him. He had been acting toxic for a while, dismissing and ignoring me and I couldn't put up with it anymore. I mean it when I say I was obsessed about him, in love head over heels. He reacted very negatively but thankfully we made up and we are both on the right track now, no toxicity and just caring for eachother.Here's the thing: when we broke up, I got drunk with one of my best friends (21M) and he tried to initiate intimacy. Although I had previously told him I DON'T want any intimacy, and that I am not ready to even think about him that way, he still insisted. Even when I cried because he wouldn't stop forcing himself on me, he briefly reassured me and then continued trying to get me to say yes, touching me and trying to kiss me. This of course ruined my one and only friendship. Our mutual friend even took his side, which only helped to solidify the awful thoughts I had on my mind; that it's my fault, that I'm a wh*re, that I'm unfaithful even. I had to literally tell me friend not to vent, or seek advice, but solely to hear her tell me that it's not my fault. I was guilt tripping myself so harshly that I needed someone to tell me otherwise.Ever since then, I've been extremely apathetic and perhaps depressed. I am planning on telling my boyfriend when I'm ready, but as for now I feel like I don't love him the same way. There are moments of almost lucidity when I feel okay, happy, in love, sad even. Anything other than disconnected. What I need to know is if this is going to pass. I need it to pass because loving him feels better than anything in the entire world. I do love him now, and I feel it. I just don't feel it in the same magnitude I did before we broke up. What can I do? Is this feeling related to my general apathy? Am I in the wrong for anything besides trusting a friend too much?TL;DR: After a very bad incident with a friend, I feel apathetic and disconnected from my feelings. Will I be able to love in the same way again? Is this going to pass?
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