Okay, I think I'm ready to come to terms with the fact that I have a 'silent treatment' problem....

It feels like my boyfriend and I are at a crossroads, and I'm disappointed to admit that it doesn't sound feel unfamiliar... in fact it's starting to feel very much like a pattern in my relationships.

I hate arguing and conflict. I hate it so much, that most times if I can possibly manage, I 'opt out' of it. That usually comes in the form of shutting down the conversation by refusing to have it, or even leaving... taking my sweet time in coming back and... even passive aggressively withholding affection because I feel like I've been slighted.

A lot of the time these can be what I would expect to be small issues, but for some reason our emotions seems to run hot on them. Example, during a recent gaming session:

Him: You didn't counter that ability again. You know if we don't counter that it's a loss, every time.
Me: I couldn't get it.
Him: Well I couldn't get it because I was doing this.
Me: Well, I was doing this.
Him: Why didn't you do this and this, then it wouldn't have been an issue.
Me: I don't know, I didn't occur to me? I panicked? I didn't see it coming? I fucked it up, I don't know what else you want me to...
Him: What do you mean you didn't see it coming? That's what they DO. Their whole rotation is building up to this ability.
Me: I've told you I'm shit at this game. I don't want to have to construct an argument to justify every errant button smash I make on the fly. I make a lot of mistakes. There are lots of better players, if winning is so important to you, why don't you go climb with them?
Him: I imagine there are, but I didn't want to play with them. I wanted to play with you, I just don't see how you can't keep going without getting frustrated when we get them to 10% and still lose.
Me: I don't know... *getting flustered and at a loss for words, feeling ashamed and judged*
Him: I sat half a [dispellable] crowd control and couldn't do anything.
Me: I told you, it was on cooldown!
Him: The WHOLE time??
Me: Alright, that's it. I'm done with these matches.
Him: Oh, so you're just not going to play with me anymore? You were playing with Joe and his friends earlier and it sounded like you were having a great time.
Me: Yeah, well I don't get dressed down on every single thing I did wrong when I lose with them! So yeah, I had fun. You're the one that seems bent on making it NOT fun!
Him: I just don't see why we can't try to do better...

it's about this time that I abruptly leave voice chat and consequently, the conversation. Historically, he's reached out to me before too long after these spats to apologize for 'making me mad', which usually triggers me, because I don't feel like it's genuine or insightful, just an underhanded way to act like the issue is my temper and not his impatience and steady criticism.

Which makes me dismissive of his apology, telling him I'm fine and it doesn't matter. Which isn't authentic at all clearly, but the idea of 1) saying all of that, and 2) trying to convince him of it while he pushes back sounds so exhausting and impossible that I find myself just wanting to sweep it all under the rug. Not talk about it anymore, and try to find a way to reset to before the fight. And I always tell myself that I just won't do the thing that we clashed over anymore, we'll do OTHER things, that aren't as stressful, but I always end up second guessing myself when things are good and agreeing, or even suggesting that we do the thing and fall right back into the same arguments.

And lately I'm noticing that I'm not getting the same attempts to bridge the silent gaps that I used to, almost like he's becoming defeated and resigned, which certainly isn't what I wanted although I'm sure any reasonable person would read this and think, 'well what else did you expect...?'

Honestly, most of the time when I'm withdrawing from him, I'm engaging in depressive isolation. I've struggled most of my life with MDD (major depressive disorder), low self-esteem, and anhedonia. I feel like 90% of the time when I'm with him he's uplifting and supportive, but that other 10% of the time... I guess I don't know how to deal with it OTHER than retreating, licking my wounds, and putting up walls around myself.

I'm pretty sure ultimately though, this is just going to sabotage our relationship, and it wouldn't be the first. I guess I need to learn better tools for conflict resolution before I manage to push everyone away. Any advice from reformed 'silent-treaters' or depressives on how to let go and stay vulnerable when you're feeling attacked or misunderstood?

TLDR: When I feel attacked, I withdraw and isolate, but I'm pretty sure it reads externally as 'giving the silent treatment'. Looking for advice on better ways to deal with conflict.

Submitted May 06, 2020 at 12:20AM

It feels like my boyfriend and I are at a crossroads, and I'm disappointed to admit that it doesn't sound feel unfamiliar... in fact it's starting to feel very much like a pattern in my relationships.I hate arguing and conflict. I hate it so much, that most times if I can possibly manage, I 'opt out' of it. That usually comes in the form of shutting down the conversation by refusing to have it, or even leaving... taking my sweet time in coming back and... even passive aggressively withholding affection because I feel like I've been slighted.A lot of the time these can be what I would expect to be small issues, but for some reason our emotions seems to run hot on them. Example, during a recent gaming session:Him: You didn't counter that ability again. You know if we don't counter that it's a loss, every time.Me: I couldn't get it.Him: Well I couldn't get it because I was doing this.Me: Well, I was doing this.Him: Why didn't you do this and this, then it wouldn't have been an issue.Me: I don't know, I didn't occur to me? I panicked? I didn't see it coming? I fucked it up, I don't know what else you want me to...Him: What do you mean you didn't see it coming? That's what they DO. Their whole rotation is building up to this ability.Me: I've told you I'm shit at this game. I don't want to have to construct an argument to justify every errant button smash I make on the fly. I make a lot of mistakes. There are lots of better players, if winning is so important to you, why don't you go climb with them?Him: I imagine there are, but I didn't want to play with them. I wanted to play with you, I just don't see how you can't keep going without getting frustrated when we get them to 10% and still lose.Me: I don't know... *getting flustered and at a loss for words, feeling ashamed and judged*Him: I sat half a [dispellable] crowd control and couldn't do anything.Me: I told you, it was on cooldown!Him: The WHOLE time??Me: Alright, that's it. I'm done with these matches.Him: Oh, so you're just not going to play with me anymore? You were playing with Joe and his friends earlier and it sounded like you were having a great time.Me: Yeah, well I don't get dressed down on every single thing I did wrong when I lose with them! So yeah, I had fun. You're the one that seems bent on making it NOT fun!Him: I just don't see why we can't try to do better...it's about this time that I abruptly leave voice chat and consequently, the conversation. Historically, he's reached out to me before too long after these spats to apologize for 'making me mad', which usually triggers me, because I don't feel like it's genuine or insightful, just an underhanded way to act like the issue is my temper and not his impatience and steady criticism.Which makes me dismissive of his apology, telling him I'm fine and it doesn't matter. Which isn't authentic at all clearly, but the idea of 1) saying all of that, and 2) trying to convince him of it while he pushes back sounds so exhausting and impossible that I find myself just wanting to sweep it all under the rug. Not talk about it anymore, and try to find a way to reset to before the fight. And I always tell myself that I just won't do the thing that we clashed over anymore, we'll do OTHER things, that aren't as stressful, but I always end up second guessing myself when things are good and agreeing, or even suggesting that we do the thing and fall right back into the same arguments.And lately I'm noticing that I'm not getting the same attempts to bridge the silent gaps that I used to, almost like he's becoming defeated and resigned, which certainly isn't what I wanted although I'm sure any reasonable person would read this and think, 'well what else did you expect...?'Honestly, most of the time when I'm withdrawing from him, I'm engaging in depressive isolation. I've struggled most of my life with MDD (major depressive disorder), low self-esteem, and anhedonia. I feel like 90% of the time when I'm with him he's uplifting and supportive, but that other 10% of the time... I guess I don't know how to deal with it OTHER than retreating, licking my wounds, and putting up walls around myself.I'm pretty sure ultimately though, this is just going to sabotage our relationship, and it wouldn't be the first. I guess I need to learn better tools for conflict resolution before I manage to push everyone away. Any advice from reformed 'silent-treaters' or depressives on how to let go and stay vulnerable when you're feeling attacked or misunderstood?TLDR: When I feel attacked, I withdraw and isolate, but I'm pretty sure it reads externally as 'giving the silent treatment'. Looking for advice on better ways to deal with conflict.