I (F19) think I have been toxic to my boyfriend (M18)

Note: is kinda long thank you if you read it all the way i could use some advice or similar experiences

I feel there are a lot of ways to be toxic of course but you look it up on Google or some self-help books it always names the same toxic traits: jealousy, need to control everything, feeling of suffocation and stuff like that. I think that I have never been those things (not entirely but it's never been a trait of mine). And like, yeah of course those are toxic but I also think that toxicity is waay more than that.

Long story short: yesterday I had a realization moment where I visualized what I had been doing with my boyfriend. I had been narcissistic and completely demeaning, creating like a whole scheme between me, my family and him. Kind of giving my family certain ideas about him that where true but over exaggerated so as to feel, somehow superior to him?

There are a lot of things that go into this, I'm kind of scared of myself for being like this and not realizing or dealing with it sooner, or specially for actually doing it.

 I feel like I love him but then why am I hurting him so bad, can you be toxic on accident? Is it forgivable? How does one stop from their toxic traits?? 

Since that moment of revelation i've come to realise that I have been putting a lot of people down. I thought I had my self esteem back but turns out that just plain stopping to eat and losing like 15 kilos (I think approx 30 pounds) in like 2/3 months doesn't actually give you a self esteem. And I feel that since I did that drastic weight drop I haven't had an actual self esteem, and i've been subconsciously stealing it from other people, but the one who's been with me almost 24/7 has gotten the worse of it. Because deep down I know about his past, he is the kind of people To put up with anything.

I met my current boyfriend after losing all that weight (and I'm coming to this conclusion as I'm writing this at 1:45am) and I believe i've been feeding from him in order to make me feel better and thus making me feel like I'm better than him and superior.

I feel absolutely horrible about this, so I wrote a note in my phone and set it in my house screen. It's titled "before making any decision" and it goes on about putting him first and determining if anything is or isn't harmful to him. Also what i've been doing wrong and specifying certain narcissistic behaviours of mine that i've picked up in my personality. My goal is to read this literally everytime that I press the home button, starting from now. I'm m trying to watch myself and what I do and say, trying to be wary.

But it's hard as fuck so any advice, feedback, or whatever would be really appreciated.

TL;DR: I think I have been being toxic to my boyfriend and by realizing that I see now that since I lost weight i've been being narcissistic and putting people down, including and especially my boyfriend. I'm trying to mend my ways through some habit changing but I still need help. I feel like I love him but then why am I hurting him so bad, can you be toxic on accident? Is it forgivable? How does one stop from their toxic traits

Submitted May 05, 2020 at 11:46PM

Note: is kinda long thank you if you read it all the way i could use some advice or similar experiencesI feel there are a lot of ways to be toxic of course but you look it up on Google or some self-help books it always names the same toxic traits: jealousy, need to control everything, feeling of suffocation and stuff like that. I think that I have never been those things (not entirely but it's never been a trait of mine). And like, yeah of course those are toxic but I also think that toxicity is waay more than that.Long story short: yesterday I had a realization moment where I visualized what I had been doing with my boyfriend. I had been narcissistic and completely demeaning, creating like a whole scheme between me, my family and him. Kind of giving my family certain ideas about him that where true but over exaggerated so as to feel, somehow superior to him?There are a lot of things that go into this, I'm kind of scared of myself for being like this and not realizing or dealing with it sooner, or specially for actually doing it. I feel like I love him but then why am I hurting him so bad, can you be toxic on accident? Is it forgivable? How does one stop from their toxic traits?? Since that moment of revelation i've come to realise that I have been putting a lot of people down. I thought I had my self esteem back but turns out that just plain stopping to eat and losing like 15 kilos (I think approx 30 pounds) in like 2/3 months doesn't actually give you a self esteem. And I feel that since I did that drastic weight drop I haven't had an actual self esteem, and i've been subconsciously stealing it from other people, but the one who's been with me almost 24/7 has gotten the worse of it. Because deep down I know about his past, he is the kind of people To put up with anything.I met my current boyfriend after losing all that weight (and I'm coming to this conclusion as I'm writing this at 1:45am) and I believe i've been feeding from him in order to make me feel better and thus making me feel like I'm better than him and superior.I feel absolutely horrible about this, so I wrote a note in my phone and set it in my house screen. It's titled "before making any decision" and it goes on about putting him first and determining if anything is or isn't harmful to him. Also what i've been doing wrong and specifying certain narcissistic behaviours of mine that i've picked up in my personality. My goal is to read this literally everytime that I press the home button, starting from now. I'm m trying to watch myself and what I do and say, trying to be wary.But it's hard as fuck so any advice, feedback, or whatever would be really appreciated.TL;DR: I think I have been being toxic to my boyfriend and by realizing that I see now that since I lost weight i've been being narcissistic and putting people down, including and especially my boyfriend. I'm trying to mend my ways through some habit changing but I still need help. I feel like I love him but then why am I hurting him so bad, can you be toxic on accident? Is it forgivable? How does one stop from their toxic traits