Am I [26/M] too close with my friend [26/F]? I think we might be an issue for her bf [27/M]

I have this really amazing friend (lets call her Elyse) who I've known since we were Juniors in college. When it got towards the end of college, we started to become closer and hang out more. We then graduated and went our separate ways, but kept in touch (mostly through skype writing workshops and what not).

For the entire time I've known her she's had a boyfriend (long distance when we were in college). So I never had any romantic feelings for her besides thinking she was super cute when we first met. After we hung out and started being friends and she told me about her boyfriend, I stopped thinking about her like that and we just friends. It's always been like that.

Two and a half years ago she moved to my city and we became even closer. Before she moved she crashed on my couch for a few weeks, and I helped her set up a few job interviews in my industry (I had a gf at the time, and everything was cool with her staying at my place and whatnot). When she fully moved to the city, she and her boyfriend would often do double dates with me and my then gf. We were all good friends. When my ex and I broke up, I had an incredibly rough time, and I leaned on both Elyse and her boyfriend (lets call him Dan) a lot. They helped me through it and I got closer with both of them. They have since become two of my closest friends.

Last year, I switched jobs and started working at her company. It's small start-up, super young, and very social. Since then, we've become absolute best friends. We're always hanging out and laughing and genuinely supporting one another. She's become the best friend I could ever hope for, and her presence in my life means the world to me. But as of last week, I think something changed and I'm really worried about losing her.

Nothing changed between us or our dynamic, but during a group happy hour with Elyse, Dan, me, and some of our other friends, Dan got drunk and introduced me to someone by calling me "the guy who my gf talks to more than she talks to me" in a kind of angry tone.

It was really unexpected and I was a bit taken aback. Dan and Elyse got in a fight during the call and it was bit uncomf for me, but I don't think anyone else noticed. Since then, Elyse has been talking to me less and less and today we didn't actually talk at all. I can't remember the last time we didn't talk.

In the weeks leading up to this, both Elyse and I have been working remotely during normal working hours, so during the day we'll often face time for hours so can work together feel like we're hanging out (since we'd usually do that in the office anyway). I've been at my parents house and she's been at her boyfriend's parents' house. We've been talking a bit more after working hours too, but mostly a break up I'm going through, and also because its a pandemic so there's nothing to do but call your friends; I've been talking to dan more too!

But I think with Dan may have started seeing how much me and Elyse talk and connect since we are all quarantined and perhaps it rubbed him the wrong way. Elyse and I are really close, and we have been for a long time, but there's seriously been zero "funny stuff," and dan and I have never had an issue. Dan I are actually quite good friends, frequently hanging out together one on one (to go hiking, to the bars, check out shows, etc).

I have had no romantic feelings towards Elyse at all. I've always been close with both Dan and her. As a result of that dynamic (being close with both members of a couple), I've really come to think of Elyse like a female cousin -- in the sense that I could be really close emotionally but the idea of anything sexual/romantic is just way off the table. And thats' always been two-way, and was understood by all parties.

But I'm not an idiot, I can understand that seeing your partner share a deep connection with someone that isn't you is challenging, and Dan might be seeing that between me and Elyse for the first time. And if I've caused some kind of rift between them, I want to back off. I don't want to upset Dan, and I don't want to make Elyse uncomf or needing to defend her relationship with me. But I don't really know what's going on for sure, and I don't feel it's my place to ask if something is wrong.

I'm just trying not over step any boundaries now and its really tough -- this is someone who I've spent 5 our of 7 days of the week with, often more, for over a year, and someone who means the world to me. She's literally the best friend I've ever had, and I don't want to lose that friendship. I'm even tearing up at the idea of losing her, but maybe we are acutally too close and its not healthy? even though it's platonic? Is it not healthy to share this kind of bond with someone who's just a friend?

I don't know what do. i just feel awful. I'm going through a break up too, and I'm home alone, and I just want to laugh with my best friend. If you were me, how would you handle this situation?

Sorry for the long rant.

tl;dr

my very close friend and I may have gotten too close for the comfort of her relationship/partner, and I need to know how I'm supposed to act now.

Submitted May 06, 2020 at 12:14AM

I have this really amazing friend (lets call her Elyse) who I've known since we were Juniors in college. When it got towards the end of college, we started to become closer and hang out more. We then graduated and went our separate ways, but kept in touch (mostly through skype writing workshops and what not).For the entire time I've known her she's had a boyfriend (long distance when we were in college). So I never had any romantic feelings for her besides thinking she was super cute when we first met. After we hung out and started being friends and she told me about her boyfriend, I stopped thinking about her like that and we just friends. It's always been like that.Two and a half years ago she moved to my city and we became even closer. Before she moved she crashed on my couch for a few weeks, and I helped her set up a few job interviews in my industry (I had a gf at the time, and everything was cool with her staying at my place and whatnot). When she fully moved to the city, she and her boyfriend would often do double dates with me and my then gf. We were all good friends. When my ex and I broke up, I had an incredibly rough time, and I leaned on both Elyse and her boyfriend (lets call him Dan) a lot. They helped me through it and I got closer with both of them. They have since become two of my closest friends.Last year, I switched jobs and started working at her company. It's small start-up, super young, and very social. Since then, we've become absolute best friends. We're always hanging out and laughing and genuinely supporting one another. She's become the best friend I could ever hope for, and her presence in my life means the world to me. But as of last week, I think something changed and I'm really worried about losing her.Nothing changed between us or our dynamic, but during a group happy hour with Elyse, Dan, me, and some of our other friends, Dan got drunk and introduced me to someone by calling me "the guy who my gf talks to more than she talks to me" in a kind of angry tone.It was really unexpected and I was a bit taken aback. Dan and Elyse got in a fight during the call and it was bit uncomf for me, but I don't think anyone else noticed. Since then, Elyse has been talking to me less and less and today we didn't actually talk at all. I can't remember the last time we didn't talk.In the weeks leading up to this, both Elyse and I have been working remotely during normal working hours, so during the day we'll often face time for hours so can work together feel like we're hanging out (since we'd usually do that in the office anyway). I've been at my parents house and she's been at her boyfriend's parents' house. We've been talking a bit more after working hours too, but mostly a break up I'm going through, and also because its a pandemic so there's nothing to do but call your friends; I've been talking to dan more too!But I think with Dan may have started seeing how much me and Elyse talk and connect since we are all quarantined and perhaps it rubbed him the wrong way. Elyse and I are really close, and we have been for a long time, but there's seriously been zero "funny stuff," and dan and I have never had an issue. Dan I are actually quite good friends, frequently hanging out together one on one (to go hiking, to the bars, check out shows, etc).I have had no romantic feelings towards Elyse at all. I've always been close with both Dan and her. As a result of that dynamic (being close with both members of a couple), I've really come to think of Elyse like a female cousin -- in the sense that I could be really close emotionally but the idea of anything sexual/romantic is just way off the table. And thats' always been two-way, and was understood by all parties.But I'm not an idiot, I can understand that seeing your partner share a deep connection with someone that isn't you is challenging, and Dan might be seeing that between me and Elyse for the first time. And if I've caused some kind of rift between them, I want to back off. I don't want to upset Dan, and I don't want to make Elyse uncomf or needing to defend her relationship with me. But I don't really know what's going on for sure, and I don't feel it's my place to ask if something is wrong.I'm just trying not over step any boundaries now and its really tough -- this is someone who I've spent 5 our of 7 days of the week with, often more, for over a year, and someone who means the world to me. She's literally the best friend I've ever had, and I don't want to lose that friendship. I'm even tearing up at the idea of losing her, but maybe we are acutally too close and its not healthy? even though it's platonic? Is it not healthy to share this kind of bond with someone who's just a friend?I don't know what do. i just feel awful. I'm going through a break up too, and I'm home alone, and I just want to laugh with my best friend. If you were me, how would you handle this situation?Sorry for the long rant.tl;drmy very close friend and I may have gotten too close for the comfort of her relationship/partner, and I need to know how I'm supposed to act now.