I (M23) have complicated my relationship with my friend (F22)

TL;DR My friend has removed herself from everywhere after she found out I was in a relationship, I don't want to loose that friendship.

Names have been changed to protect the identities. Indian Origin.In college, I went through a very tough breakup. After that once I had composed myself I started to like a junior named Rachel (friend, F22). It was a crush and nothing else, I never talked to her and never wanted to pursue her. You know how you see someone and get attracted? Innocent, nothing else.A little while after that I started dating my friend, Olivia. We were great friends for a few years and had great chemistry. I love her with all my heart. We have been together for a few years now. We have a fantastic relationship and are very close to each other. We have planned to get married soon and have our parents involved as well since in our culture parents do all the planning. Our relationship is only known to a few people and mostly regarded as best friends.After I started dating Olivia, by chance I got to work with Rachel on a project. Initially we talked only about the task but gradually it got us talking more. Normally regarding our college life. I realized that it was something Olivia would not approve of so I stopped. But every now and then Amanda and I would start talking again. There was no flirting, or anything of that sort. Just normal conversations regarding everyday life and college activities. Fast forward to a few months Amanda told me she had a crush on me before we started talking, I was shook. But never did I once think about her in that way after Olivia. I took a long break after this and kept myself at a distance from her. But something would come up and we would talk again. I tried to limit my interactions with her but I could never stop it definitely. I did enjoy talking to her, many times I would find myself talking to her about politics and daily issues, she always had some insight about things. We did keep talking because I enjoyed the company. I would find myself waiting for her texts at times, or just enjoying a good laugh with her. Through out this time my relationship was not brought up, and I think I tried to keep it that way as well because deep down I thought it would effect this friendship with Rachel. My life with Olivia was going great throughout. She knew that I was friends with Rachel. After a while I felt myself gravitating towards Rachel, and in a moment of weakness I confessed to her that I too did have a crush on her some time in the past. I reiterated that I had no such feelings at that time and it was quite a while back. She said that it was fine and that we will talk about it if we ever get to that stage. Throughout this time I did talk about Olivia with her but I referred to Olivia as my best friend. We started to get friendlier than before after this confession.A couple of months later, out of the blue Rachel asked me if I was in a relationship with someone, I told her the truth. She did not talk to me for a few weeks.

I met her a couple of weeks later, she called me a loser for leading her on. She had the idea of us being together in the near future. I felt horrible, I told her I had no answer for why I did what I did. She removed me from herself sometime after that. I never told her about my relationship because I was scared. I was scared of loosing Rachel. I didn't want my relationship with her to change.

I have lost an amazing friend. I am distraught. I know I hurt her, I feel horrible for putting her through all this. I feel so guilty for not being truthful about everything. I apologized to her for what I put her through. I am not a bad person. I help people, I am always the first one to help any of my friends and I would stay with them till the very end. I am kind and friendly to everyone. I keep my nose down and live my own life. I really liked her. I hate having to see her hurt like this. Friendships to me are very sacred. I do everything for my friends. I hate that she isn't my friend anymore.Tell me what I should do? Should I tell her that I started to get feelings for her but I didn't want my relationship with Olivia to end? That I never told her about Olivia because I was scared it was going to effect my friendship with Rachel? Please help

Submitted May 06, 2020 at 12:03AM

TL;DR My friend has removed herself from everywhere after she found out I was in a relationship, I don't want to loose that friendship.Names have been changed to protect the identities. Indian Origin.In college, I went through a very tough breakup. After that once I had composed myself I started to like a junior named Rachel (friend, F22). It was a crush and nothing else, I never talked to her and never wanted to pursue her. You know how you see someone and get attracted? Innocent, nothing else.A little while after that I started dating my friend, Olivia. We were great friends for a few years and had great chemistry. I love her with all my heart. We have been together for a few years now. We have a fantastic relationship and are very close to each other. We have planned to get married soon and have our parents involved as well since in our culture parents do all the planning. Our relationship is only known to a few people and mostly regarded as best friends.After I started dating Olivia, by chance I got to work with Rachel on a project. Initially we talked only about the task but gradually it got us talking more. Normally regarding our college life. I realized that it was something Olivia would not approve of so I stopped. But every now and then Amanda and I would start talking again. There was no flirting, or anything of that sort. Just normal conversations regarding everyday life and college activities. Fast forward to a few months Amanda told me she had a crush on me before we started talking, I was shook. But never did I once think about her in that way after Olivia. I took a long break after this and kept myself at a distance from her. But something would come up and we would talk again. I tried to limit my interactions with her but I could never stop it definitely. I did enjoy talking to her, many times I would find myself talking to her about politics and daily issues, she always had some insight about things. We did keep talking because I enjoyed the company. I would find myself waiting for her texts at times, or just enjoying a good laugh with her. Through out this time my relationship was not brought up, and I think I tried to keep it that way as well because deep down I thought it would effect this friendship with Rachel. My life with Olivia was going great throughout. She knew that I was friends with Rachel. After a while I felt myself gravitating towards Rachel, and in a moment of weakness I confessed to her that I too did have a crush on her some time in the past. I reiterated that I had no such feelings at that time and it was quite a while back. She said that it was fine and that we will talk about it if we ever get to that stage. Throughout this time I did talk about Olivia with her but I referred to Olivia as my best friend. We started to get friendlier than before after this confession.A couple of months later, out of the blue Rachel asked me if I was in a relationship with someone, I told her the truth. She did not talk to me for a few weeks.I met her a couple of weeks later, she called me a loser for leading her on. She had the idea of us being together in the near future. I felt horrible, I told her I had no answer for why I did what I did. She removed me from herself sometime after that. I never told her about my relationship because I was scared. I was scared of loosing Rachel. I didn't want my relationship with her to change.I have lost an amazing friend. I am distraught. I know I hurt her, I feel horrible for putting her through all this. I feel so guilty for not being truthful about everything. I apologized to her for what I put her through. I am not a bad person. I help people, I am always the first one to help any of my friends and I would stay with them till the very end. I am kind and friendly to everyone. I keep my nose down and live my own life. I really liked her. I hate having to see her hurt like this. Friendships to me are very sacred. I do everything for my friends. I hate that she isn't my friend anymore.Tell me what I should do? Should I tell her that I started to get feelings for her but I didn't want my relationship with Olivia to end? That I never told her about Olivia because I was scared it was going to effect my friendship with Rachel? Please help