Should I (20F) just give up on relationships for a while? Got cheated on twice, fear of getting cheated on again.

I have only had 2 serious boyfriends. They both cheated in different ways. My first relationship was manipulative, toxic, and overall just horrible. I was happy and naive at the beginning so I let a lot of things slide. I trusted him whole heartedly so I wasn't a "crazy" girlfriend. But then he started becoming controlling and jealous for no reason. Long story short he would text other females whenever we argued, posted shirtless pictures on his instagram (when we're in a middle of a fight), and then do shady things behind my back till it led to actual cheating. I caught him with his co-worker. I mean I'm over that. We were young at the time (17/18). I was too naive to think my first was going to be my last.

My second boyfriend (22M) was an angel. We've been together for almost a year and a half. I love him so much. He was perfect; total opposite of my first relationship. He was never jealous, supported and trusted me 100%, treated me like a princess, NEVER gave me any problem with girls (ever). I am his longest relationship and first girl he ever said I love you to. To condense everything, he emotionally cheated on me right after he got deployed... I felt that he was slowly de-attaching from me and I found out that he has been flirting (on text/video call) with this girl he claimed was just his girl "best friend" for over two months. I was devastated. This was NOT the man I knew. The fact that he hid it for that long? Why? He begged and we got back together two weeks later (he cut all ties with her without me asking).

Fast forward two months later, everything's amazing. He showed more effort, became more affectionate, blah blah. I was happy until he told me he made 4 new friends at work: 2 male, 2 female... I was worried about the female friend part because he just recently cheated on me with his female "best friend." We argued for a week because I can't trust him. I finally gave in and realized that this is all my fault. This is my own insecurity taking over. I shouldn't control who he becomes friends with even though he cheated on me with a "friend" 2 months ago. It is his life and I want him to be happy.

Anyway... I realized that I had developed anxiety. I have become too attached to my boyfriend. Should I just end it for his and my own good? My anxiety is causing problems for us. Every time we argue I get so anxious.. I have a hard time breathing, my chest hurts, I bury myself under my blankets, barely eat, and always think of the worst. This was not the woman I was before I got cheated on. He is still on deployment with them on the boat for another 3+ months. Just the thought of them eating together every day or doing whatever on their free time makes me anxious. What if he develops feelings for them too and just leaves me again? He reassures me all the time that he's never going to do that again, but really? Am I supposed to just take his word for it after he betrayed me for months?

tl;dr I'm just wondering if I should just give up on relationships and work on myself for a while... I love him so much and I don't want to let him go... but I know that this is not healthy. I don't know how to stop the anxiety and insecurity after everything that had happened. A week ago before he told me about these female friends, I was absolutely fine. We were both doing good and were happy. Now I am just a huge ball of anxiety every single day. Worrying, worrying, worrying... I hate this feeling, but I wan't to make us work.

Submitted April 24, 2020 at 11:45PM

I have only had 2 serious boyfriends. They both cheated in different ways. My first relationship was manipulative, toxic, and overall just horrible. I was happy and naive at the beginning so I let a lot of things slide. I trusted him whole heartedly so I wasn't a "crazy" girlfriend. But then he started becoming controlling and jealous for no reason. Long story short he would text other females whenever we argued, posted shirtless pictures on his instagram (when we're in a middle of a fight), and then do shady things behind my back till it led to actual cheating. I caught him with his co-worker. I mean I'm over that. We were young at the time (17/18). I was too naive to think my first was going to be my last.My second boyfriend (22M) was an angel. We've been together for almost a year and a half. I love him so much. He was perfect; total opposite of my first relationship. He was never jealous, supported and trusted me 100%, treated me like a princess, NEVER gave me any problem with girls (ever). I am his longest relationship and first girl he ever said I love you to. To condense everything, he emotionally cheated on me right after he got deployed... I felt that he was slowly de-attaching from me and I found out that he has been flirting (on text/video call) with this girl he claimed was just his girl "best friend" for over two months. I was devastated. This was NOT the man I knew. The fact that he hid it for that long? Why? He begged and we got back together two weeks later (he cut all ties with her without me asking).Fast forward two months later, everything's amazing. He showed more effort, became more affectionate, blah blah. I was happy until he told me he made 4 new friends at work: 2 male, 2 female... I was worried about the female friend part because he just recently cheated on me with his female "best friend." We argued for a week because I can't trust him. I finally gave in and realized that this is all my fault. This is my own insecurity taking over. I shouldn't control who he becomes friends with even though he cheated on me with a "friend" 2 months ago. It is his life and I want him to be happy.Anyway... I realized that I had developed anxiety. I have become too attached to my boyfriend. Should I just end it for his and my own good? My anxiety is causing problems for us. Every time we argue I get so anxious.. I have a hard time breathing, my chest hurts, I bury myself under my blankets, barely eat, and always think of the worst. This was not the woman I was before I got cheated on. He is still on deployment with them on the boat for another 3+ months. Just the thought of them eating together every day or doing whatever on their free time makes me anxious. What if he develops feelings for them too and just leaves me again? He reassures me all the time that he's never going to do that again, but really? Am I supposed to just take his word for it after he betrayed me for months?tl;dr I'm just wondering if I should just give up on relationships and work on myself for a while... I love him so much and I don't want to let him go... but I know that this is not healthy. I don't know how to stop the anxiety and insecurity after everything that had happened. A week ago before he told me about these female friends, I was absolutely fine. We were both doing good and were happy. Now I am just a huge ball of anxiety every single day. Worrying, worrying, worrying... I hate this feeling, but I wan't to make us work.