My (F28) husband (M45) hates my mom and it is causing problems. Am I getting upset over nothing? Hoping for some perspective.

So, as the title says, my husband doesn't like my mom and its making things hard. My mom and I live about 5 hours apart and I don't get to see her too often, but my husband has really strong opinions when she comes to visit.

Some background: yes, my mom is a handful. She is loud, she can be whiney and complain a lot, she doesn't always clean up after herself, and she smokes like a chimney. Honestly, all of these things annoy me. On the other hand though, she is always really helpful and selfless and she is fun. And bottom line, she's my mom and I love and miss her. Another thing to note is that she doesn't have much money and we live in a resort town. For her to come visit is financially hard for her, so I often like to offer to split hotel costs or for her to sleep in the living room of our 1 bedroom apartment.

Now for my husband, whenever I bring up my mom visiting he gets really on edge and it almost always ends in an argument. He does not support me helping my mom financially for hotels and definitely doesn't support her staying in the house. He generally dislikes her personality but tolerates her in family gatherings. He especially hates her pot smoking (which admittedly she does do excessively). I cant even bring up options of her coming to visit unless he knows ahead of time that she has her own hotel room that she pays for (usually like $100-$200 a night where we live, which is crazy). If she paid for herself, she would hardly be able to visit. As an example, she picks up my 2yo niece and drives her 5 hours here just so I can see my neice (who my husband enjoys seeing too). I figure that because she helps out like that that it makes sense for me to pay for a hotel night or offer for her to stay here.

Anyways she's supposed to visit soon and asked if she could stay one night. One night. And my husband got mad and said I fucked everything up and that her staying with us was unacceptable. We are at an impasse - I don't think it's fair that he gets to make those rules especially because it makes it hard for me to see my mom. I want to also note that he offers for his sister and her kid to stay in our apartment or to contribute financially to his family staying, none of which I have issue with. I am so sick of arguing with him about my mom. Has anyone dealt with this dynamic before? What did you do? I want to try to find a solution so my husband is comfortable but also so I can see my mom with her having to financially drain herself.

TL; DR Husband is firm (and mean) about me helping my mom pay for a hotel and refuses to let her stay in our apartment because he dislikes her personality, making it really difficult for her to visit us.



Submitted April 24, 2020 at 11:28PM

So, as the title says, my husband doesn't like my mom and its making things hard. My mom and I live about 5 hours apart and I don't get to see her too often, but my husband has really strong opinions when she comes to visit.Some background: yes, my mom is a handful. She is loud, she can be whiney and complain a lot, she doesn't always clean up after herself, and she smokes like a chimney. Honestly, all of these things annoy me. On the other hand though, she is always really helpful and selfless and she is fun. And bottom line, she's my mom and I love and miss her. Another thing to note is that she doesn't have much money and we live in a resort town. For her to come visit is financially hard for her, so I often like to offer to split hotel costs or for her to sleep in the living room of our 1 bedroom apartment.Now for my husband, whenever I bring up my mom visiting he gets really on edge and it almost always ends in an argument. He does not support me helping my mom financially for hotels and definitely doesn't support her staying in the house. He generally dislikes her personality but tolerates her in family gatherings. He especially hates her pot smoking (which admittedly she does do excessively). I cant even bring up options of her coming to visit unless he knows ahead of time that she has her own hotel room that she pays for (usually like $100-$200 a night where we live, which is crazy). If she paid for herself, she would hardly be able to visit. As an example, she picks up my 2yo niece and drives her 5 hours here just so I can see my neice (who my husband enjoys seeing too). I figure that because she helps out like that that it makes sense for me to pay for a hotel night or offer for her to stay here.Anyways she's supposed to visit soon and asked if she could stay one night. One night. And my husband got mad and said I fucked everything up and that her staying with us was unacceptable. We are at an impasse - I don't think it's fair that he gets to make those rules especially because it makes it hard for me to see my mom. I want to also note that he offers for his sister and her kid to stay in our apartment or to contribute financially to his family staying, none of which I have issue with. I am so sick of arguing with him about my mom. Has anyone dealt with this dynamic before? What did you do? I want to try to find a solution so my husband is comfortable but also so I can see my mom with her having to financially drain herself.TL; DR Husband is firm (and mean) about me helping my mom pay for a hotel and refuses to let her stay in our apartment because he dislikes her personality, making it really difficult for her to visit us.
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