I’m (28F) questioning future compatibility with long term partner (28M) who is an essential worker right now.

I already know this title is going to make me sound awful, but let me just start by saying this has been weighing on me for a while. I have lost my job (temporarily) due to the virus, and my partner is an essential grocery worker. We haven’t seen each other in about a month, other than a few walks, because we live separately and I don’t feel comfortable exposing myself to him right now and he respects this choice to keep me safe. Since we’ve effectively gone long distance, a lot of thoughts and emotions have come up for me that have been there for a while. Many of them we’ve discussed and then tabled because they can’t be resolved until we move or do something drastic.. so it just lingers. Now I’m feeling like I’m not sure I can see us being compatible long term. I feel like I’m in a holding period, waiting for something to become the “make it or break it” moment.

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, and have otherwise been friends since middle school. Our foundation is solid, but we are very different people and we often have to agree to disagree on most things. The relationship is respectful, kind and loving. There are no huge red flags or toxic behaviors, I’m just struggling with some unanswered questions and starting to feel like I’m waiting for someone to change, which I know is wrong for both of us.

The biggest issue has always been his job, even before this pandemic. He has worked for the same company for a decade, starting through high school and then fell back on it after college. He has moved up the ladder and now has a very good position, but for the last 2 1/2 years it has required him to work 6 days a week and sometimes 60 hour weeks. This limits our time together to usually one day per week, which I have secured a mutual day off with my job to ensure this. Had I not been able to do that (since it’s mid-week), I’m not sure what our time together would look like. It’s been a point of contention for a long time, he is a workaholic and always has been. I recognize that this is something I need to accept, but I’ve really struggled to do so especially considering he tells me that he doesn’t want to actually be working this much and acknowledges that it is the reason we can’t spend more time together.

This leads into my next thing.. which is that he seems resistant to any change and doesn’t believe he can do better for himself. We’ve had this conversation many times and he’s told me he’s not willing to get a new job where we live because there are no opportunities that will pay him what he makes (which is not necessarily wrong). He insists that if we move then he’d get another job, but then gets very self deprecating and says things about how he will have to start back at minimum wage again and work his way back up no matter where we go. He doesn’t understand that it’s not how jobs and salaries work (at least most of the time). He has a college degree in computer science that he is not using (and says it’s too late for him to use without proper experience). He is incredibly smart but has always brought himself down and I don’t know why. I believe he could do anything he wanted, but in our entire relationship he has never had any future plans or goals for himself. He lives his life day to day and has no time or energy to think about the future. He says it brings him anxiety to think about the future and prefers to get through the day knowing he is financially secure.

I’m someone who likes to know where I’m headed and I have a lot of ambition and goals for my own life. He is very supportive of me, and loves me very much. He insists that when I go off to achieve said goals he will come with me.. but I’m starting to feel like I’m not sure I want someone in my life who is simply along for the ride. I’d really like a partner with aspirations of their own that we can work towards together, and I just don’t know if I should continue to wait for this person or if it’s time to let go. I feel like I need more and I’m not sure how long to wait to see if he wants to give more to this. He says our relationship is the most important thing to him, but if that were true I feel like he could at least try to help me build our future. I’ve asked him multiple times if he could please show me some growth or trajectory for our relationship and our life together, but in the last couple years he hasn’t changed his perspective at all. He still has no goals of his own, doesn’t seem to have even thought about it, and says that he would like us to move in together as his idea of the future. At three years in I feel like I should have at least some idea what the future together looks like beyond “moving in together.”

There is no immediate thing in our way, nothing toxic or “wrong,” no blaring red flags. I feel like up until this point we’re both really busy and just hurtling along through life enjoying what little time we get to spend together. I could stay in this life, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to have a stable partner. Now that I’ve been laid off, though, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on this and I’m feeling more like it’s just not a good fit even though I love him. I don’t know if I’m being too reckless because of everything that’s going on and because I haven’t spent any time with him in so long. I also feel incredibly guilty because he is an essential worker right now and I’m supposed to be a supportive partner through this hell.. and I know it’s selfish to feel how I feel especially because I know the feelings are not mutual. He thinks I am “the one” and I don’t want to break his heart or destroy our long term friendship (if possible).

TLDR: my partner of 3 years is an essential worker and I am laid off. I’ve had concerns about compatibility for a while and the time apart has brought them to the surface again and I’m not sure what to do. He works 6 days a week so we have no time together (for 2 years before covid) and he has no future goals. I love this person, but I’m not sure I can commit to forever with them because I still don’t know what our life would look like. Not sure if I should open the communication about this or keep it to myself during these trying times.

Any advice? Please be gentle, I’m not a monster and I really do love this person.

Submitted April 25, 2020 at 12:08AM

I already know this title is going to make me sound awful, but let me just start by saying this has been weighing on me for a while. I have lost my job (temporarily) due to the virus, and my partner is an essential grocery worker. We haven’t seen each other in about a month, other than a few walks, because we live separately and I don’t feel comfortable exposing myself to him right now and he respects this choice to keep me safe. Since we’ve effectively gone long distance, a lot of thoughts and emotions have come up for me that have been there for a while. Many of them we’ve discussed and then tabled because they can’t be resolved until we move or do something drastic.. so it just lingers. Now I’m feeling like I’m not sure I can see us being compatible long term. I feel like I’m in a holding period, waiting for something to become the “make it or break it” moment.My partner and I have been together for 3 years, and have otherwise been friends since middle school. Our foundation is solid, but we are very different people and we often have to agree to disagree on most things. The relationship is respectful, kind and loving. There are no huge red flags or toxic behaviors, I’m just struggling with some unanswered questions and starting to feel like I’m waiting for someone to change, which I know is wrong for both of us.The biggest issue has always been his job, even before this pandemic. He has worked for the same company for a decade, starting through high school and then fell back on it after college. He has moved up the ladder and now has a very good position, but for the last 2 1/2 years it has required him to work 6 days a week and sometimes 60 hour weeks. This limits our time together to usually one day per week, which I have secured a mutual day off with my job to ensure this. Had I not been able to do that (since it’s mid-week), I’m not sure what our time together would look like. It’s been a point of contention for a long time, he is a workaholic and always has been. I recognize that this is something I need to accept, but I’ve really struggled to do so especially considering he tells me that he doesn’t want to actually be working this much and acknowledges that it is the reason we can’t spend more time together.This leads into my next thing.. which is that he seems resistant to any change and doesn’t believe he can do better for himself. We’ve had this conversation many times and he’s told me he’s not willing to get a new job where we live because there are no opportunities that will pay him what he makes (which is not necessarily wrong). He insists that if we move then he’d get another job, but then gets very self deprecating and says things about how he will have to start back at minimum wage again and work his way back up no matter where we go. He doesn’t understand that it’s not how jobs and salaries work (at least most of the time). He has a college degree in computer science that he is not using (and says it’s too late for him to use without proper experience). He is incredibly smart but has always brought himself down and I don’t know why. I believe he could do anything he wanted, but in our entire relationship he has never had any future plans or goals for himself. He lives his life day to day and has no time or energy to think about the future. He says it brings him anxiety to think about the future and prefers to get through the day knowing he is financially secure.I’m someone who likes to know where I’m headed and I have a lot of ambition and goals for my own life. He is very supportive of me, and loves me very much. He insists that when I go off to achieve said goals he will come with me.. but I’m starting to feel like I’m not sure I want someone in my life who is simply along for the ride. I’d really like a partner with aspirations of their own that we can work towards together, and I just don’t know if I should continue to wait for this person or if it’s time to let go. I feel like I need more and I’m not sure how long to wait to see if he wants to give more to this. He says our relationship is the most important thing to him, but if that were true I feel like he could at least try to help me build our future. I’ve asked him multiple times if he could please show me some growth or trajectory for our relationship and our life together, but in the last couple years he hasn’t changed his perspective at all. He still has no goals of his own, doesn’t seem to have even thought about it, and says that he would like us to move in together as his idea of the future. At three years in I feel like I should have at least some idea what the future together looks like beyond “moving in together.”There is no immediate thing in our way, nothing toxic or “wrong,” no blaring red flags. I feel like up until this point we’re both really busy and just hurtling along through life enjoying what little time we get to spend together. I could stay in this life, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to have a stable partner. Now that I’ve been laid off, though, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on this and I’m feeling more like it’s just not a good fit even though I love him. I don’t know if I’m being too reckless because of everything that’s going on and because I haven’t spent any time with him in so long. I also feel incredibly guilty because he is an essential worker right now and I’m supposed to be a supportive partner through this hell.. and I know it’s selfish to feel how I feel especially because I know the feelings are not mutual. He thinks I am “the one” and I don’t want to break his heart or destroy our long term friendship (if possible).TLDR: my partner of 3 years is an essential worker and I am laid off. I’ve had concerns about compatibility for a while and the time apart has brought them to the surface again and I’m not sure what to do. He works 6 days a week so we have no time together (for 2 years before covid) and he has no future goals. I love this person, but I’m not sure I can commit to forever with them because I still don’t know what our life would look like. Not sure if I should open the communication about this or keep it to myself during these trying times.Any advice? Please be gentle, I’m not a monster and I really do love this person.