Help!!! I (19f) don’t know how to handle my relationship with my mother

Basically, I haven’t had a decent relationship with my mom (45) until recently. Growing up, she was always very verbally abusive and had a bad temper. I was always the cause for her problems (esp her weight). She always took her anger out on me and would call me stupid, worthless, a spoiled brat, ungrateful; keep in mind, this happened until I left for college 2 years ago. On very few occasions, she would push me down or threaten to hit me. I grew up with a very low self-esteem and she refused to believe me when I told her I felt depressed as a teen. She constantly put me in between arguments between her and my dad, which killed all belief I had in love. She’s also always been very controlling and getting her to back off has been difficult. I had to turn off my location (she LOVES Life360) and had to open up an account at a different bank so she would stop monitoring me and interrogating me about where I was going and what I was spending. She found out I’m bi when she went through my text my freshmen year of high school, and constantly talks about it with me even when I expressed that I have limits and don’t want to discuss my sexuality. Her newest habit is oversharing very personal things with me in the hope I’ll do it back. Like she was trying to ask me if I had a sex life and proceeded to try to tell me about the first time she has sex and her sex life with my dad, what parent does that? The last big fight we had was when I decided to not on vacation because I wanted to work over winter break, and she LOST it. Screamed, called me a bitch, used my disabled brother against me, cried and accused me of not loving her. She doesn’t some trashy shit (farting and burping out loud, denies being racist but makes racist jokes to ‘piss me off) but for the most part I can ignore it. When I think about the future, I wouldn’t want an SO to meet her or my children to be around her (I’m afraid she’ll verbally abuse them too) Now, things are a lot better, but she still verbally degrades me when she gets upset. She still puts me in arguments between her and my dad. She tells me she loves me and she’s proud of me, I’d feel bad cutting her off. But I can’t take the mood swings, the arguments, the constant degrading. It’s too much. She’s done so much for me though, she’s taken me to NYC multiple times and even sent me to Europe. Everything we argue she holds those things over my head. So, Reddit, is it worth it to patch up my relationship with my mom or is it better to just cut her out of my life now?

TL;DR

I want to cut my formerly abusive mom out of my life but I don’t know if I’m in the right or the wrong. Things are a lot better than they used to be, but not perfect. Should I work with her or just go?

Submitted April 25, 2020 at 12:13AM

Basically, I haven’t had a decent relationship with my mom (45) until recently. Growing up, she was always very verbally abusive and had a bad temper. I was always the cause for her problems (esp her weight). She always took her anger out on me and would call me stupid, worthless, a spoiled brat, ungrateful; keep in mind, this happened until I left for college 2 years ago. On very few occasions, she would push me down or threaten to hit me. I grew up with a very low self-esteem and she refused to believe me when I told her I felt depressed as a teen. She constantly put me in between arguments between her and my dad, which killed all belief I had in love. She’s also always been very controlling and getting her to back off has been difficult. I had to turn off my location (she LOVES Life360) and had to open up an account at a different bank so she would stop monitoring me and interrogating me about where I was going and what I was spending. She found out I’m bi when she went through my text my freshmen year of high school, and constantly talks about it with me even when I expressed that I have limits and don’t want to discuss my sexuality. Her newest habit is oversharing very personal things with me in the hope I’ll do it back. Like she was trying to ask me if I had a sex life and proceeded to try to tell me about the first time she has sex and her sex life with my dad, what parent does that? The last big fight we had was when I decided to not on vacation because I wanted to work over winter break, and she LOST it. Screamed, called me a bitch, used my disabled brother against me, cried and accused me of not loving her. She doesn’t some trashy shit (farting and burping out loud, denies being racist but makes racist jokes to ‘piss me off) but for the most part I can ignore it. When I think about the future, I wouldn’t want an SO to meet her or my children to be around her (I’m afraid she’ll verbally abuse them too) Now, things are a lot better, but she still verbally degrades me when she gets upset. She still puts me in arguments between her and my dad. She tells me she loves me and she’s proud of me, I’d feel bad cutting her off. But I can’t take the mood swings, the arguments, the constant degrading. It’s too much. She’s done so much for me though, she’s taken me to NYC multiple times and even sent me to Europe. Everything we argue she holds those things over my head. So, Reddit, is it worth it to patch up my relationship with my mom or is it better to just cut her out of my life now?TL;DRI want to cut my formerly abusive mom out of my life but I don’t know if I’m in the right or the wrong. Things are a lot better than they used to be, but not perfect. Should I work with her or just go?