I'm (29F) struggling to deal with the guilt and shame after lashing out at my bf (30M) after he hurt me. How can I move on from this?

I recently picked something up again with a guy I had a very strong connection/history with 2 years ago (it was a 6 month thing). We had been dating for the last month and it was all going great. However, although he always had some problemed drinking, this time around I realised that this was far more serious than it was years prior.

I thought it was going to be ok, because he'd talk about sobriety and when we hung out, he never drank around me, telling me he felt he didn't need to drink when he was with me as it made him feel on top of the world. I have a heavy study and work load (even during the current pandemic) and would set out a good ammount of time to spend with him each week. When I started hanging out with him this week, he had just come out of a 2 day bender on booze and speed and was coming down from that. In this time he was really detached and would basically sit in silence, staring at the wall with a wine and cigarette in hand. I told him I was feeling dissapointed and didn't feel he was being respectful of my time.

He seemed to understand why I was upset, then would later retract it and say he does'nt know why I'm on his case and why I have to always overwhelm him with so many questions/problems. This went on for a while and we were going around in circles, attempting to resolve it and talk it through. Then it all reached a head and he said he felt he had been interrogated for the last 10 hours and thought maybe I had 'gotten better' since we broke up last, but that I still have the same issues that lead him to break up with me in the first place.

I broke into tears and was on the floor crying and in response, he got up, looked at me blankly and said he's going to clean his room and get some stuff done around the house. Suddenly something came over me and I was in an absolute rage. I looked at him squarely and told him I thought he was a wretched human being, that he treats women like shit and if he continues to live the way he does and treat people the way he does, he will end up living a lonely, miserable life and that I hated him.

I honestly felt so shocked with what came out of my mouth and I felt completely sick and angry at myself for saying these things to him. He looked so hurt and I was on my knees apologising to him non stop, telling him I didn't mean to hurt him and I wish I didn't say any of those things and I wanted to take it all back. He said that it was ok , that he was hurt but he doesn't think of me differently. He then said he was going to go for a walk to go to the shops and will be back in 15. When he got back, he skulled down a 6 pack of cider in about half an hour and then began getting really angry and argumentative with me, accusing me of starting on him when I didn't even say anything. I was super quiet and passive during this time and all of a sudden he got so angry he told me he wanted me out his house. When I was packing my things to go, he told me that I am a miserable c**t and will be the one who ends up lonely. He also kept on saying that I am the one who is wretched. He kept on repeating himself and I was in tears, telling him to stop saying these things to me and he said that if I'm going to dish it, I should take it and told me to fuck off out of his life.

I am seriously so ashamed and guilty for lashing out at him the way I did and feel completely responsible for the demise of this relationship. If anyone is able to provide any insight and support, that would be really appreciated.

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******TL;DR****:**I got back with an ex who had a drinking problem. We got into a big argument and I ended up exploding, saying some nasty things to him. He forgave me for saying this shortly after, but got super drunk and lashed out at me back in return and told me that it was all my fault that it never worked.

I am seriously so ashamed and guilty for lashing out at him the way I did and feel completely responsible for the demise of this relationship. If anyone is able to provide any insight and support, that would be really appreciated.

Submitted April 10, 2020 at 12:01AM

I recently picked something up again with a guy I had a very strong connection/history with 2 years ago (it was a 6 month thing). We had been dating for the last month and it was all going great. However, although he always had some problemed drinking, this time around I realised that this was far more serious than it was years prior.I thought it was going to be ok, because he'd talk about sobriety and when we hung out, he never drank around me, telling me he felt he didn't need to drink when he was with me as it made him feel on top of the world. I have a heavy study and work load (even during the current pandemic) and would set out a good ammount of time to spend with him each week. When I started hanging out with him this week, he had just come out of a 2 day bender on booze and speed and was coming down from that. In this time he was really detached and would basically sit in silence, staring at the wall with a wine and cigarette in hand. I told him I was feeling dissapointed and didn't feel he was being respectful of my time.He seemed to understand why I was upset, then would later retract it and say he does'nt know why I'm on his case and why I have to always overwhelm him with so many questions/problems. This went on for a while and we were going around in circles, attempting to resolve it and talk it through. Then it all reached a head and he said he felt he had been interrogated for the last 10 hours and thought maybe I had 'gotten better' since we broke up last, but that I still have the same issues that lead him to break up with me in the first place.I broke into tears and was on the floor crying and in response, he got up, looked at me blankly and said he's going to clean his room and get some stuff done around the house. Suddenly something came over me and I was in an absolute rage. I looked at him squarely and told him I thought he was a wretched human being, that he treats women like shit and if he continues to live the way he does and treat people the way he does, he will end up living a lonely, miserable life and that I hated him.I honestly felt so shocked with what came out of my mouth and I felt completely sick and angry at myself for saying these things to him. He looked so hurt and I was on my knees apologising to him non stop, telling him I didn't mean to hurt him and I wish I didn't say any of those things and I wanted to take it all back. He said that it was ok , that he was hurt but he doesn't think of me differently. He then said he was going to go for a walk to go to the shops and will be back in 15. When he got back, he skulled down a 6 pack of cider in about half an hour and then began getting really angry and argumentative with me, accusing me of starting on him when I didn't even say anything. I was super quiet and passive during this time and all of a sudden he got so angry he told me he wanted me out his house. When I was packing my things to go, he told me that I am a miserable c**t and will be the one who ends up lonely. He also kept on saying that I am the one who is wretched. He kept on repeating himself and I was in tears, telling him to stop saying these things to me and he said that if I'm going to dish it, I should take it and told me to fuck off out of his life.I am seriously so ashamed and guilty for lashing out at him the way I did and feel completely responsible for the demise of this relationship. If anyone is able to provide any insight and support, that would be really appreciated.​******TL;DR****:**I got back with an ex who had a drinking problem. We got into a big argument and I ended up exploding, saying some nasty things to him. He forgave me for saying this shortly after, but got super drunk and lashed out at me back in return and told me that it was all my fault that it never worked.I am seriously so ashamed and guilty for lashing out at him the way I did and feel completely responsible for the demise of this relationship. If anyone is able to provide any insight and support, that would be really appreciated.