I think I’m damaged

Long post apologies.

I F(22) have been single for over a year now. My last relationship was my second. I was with my first partner for 5 year’s and my second for 2 and a half. My first relationship broke down doing to being too serious at too young. After this I began seeing a guy (call him J) that afterwards I found out to be abusive both physically but especially mentally. During my time with him I lost most, if not all of my self confidence and hit an all time low. At this time a boy that I worked with (call him C) began talking to be and I broke down and told him everything that happened, he was the only person I told although others had their suspicions. I found comfort in C and ending up cheating on J with him, something completely out of character for me and something I’d typically be against. I broke up with J shorty my after and it was horrible, the abuse, the messages and the threats. Unfortunately I wasn’t with C too long before he started displaying similar behaviour, he used a lot of drugs and would get abusive when under the influence. Around 6 months into dating him whilst we were on a foreign holiday I found out he had another girlfriend the whole time. He completely flipped when I confronted him and this was one of the lowest moments of my life, I was only 19, stranded abroad with an abusive partner. Once we got home I made the mature decision to block him and I’ve never spoken to him since. Onto my last boyfriend. He was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, I got on with him so well and everything seemed to be going good but I just couldn’t let myself love him for some reason. I was so insecure, paranoid and just had no belief that he was going to treat me any better and we decided to call it a day after 2.5 years. As I said above, I’ve been single for just over a year now. I feel like I’ve worked on myself and feel a lot happier within myself but every time I talk to someone or try to date I get so scared and completely block myself off once things start to get serious as all these memories just play in my mind. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up to anyone again in the fear of basically being treated like a piece of shit.

What can I do to help myself? Any advice on this situation would be appreciated.

TL;DR been through a few abusive relationships, don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up to anyone again.

Submitted April 09, 2020 at 11:59PM

Long post apologies.I F(22) have been single for over a year now. My last relationship was my second. I was with my first partner for 5 year’s and my second for 2 and a half. My first relationship broke down doing to being too serious at too young. After this I began seeing a guy (call him J) that afterwards I found out to be abusive both physically but especially mentally. During my time with him I lost most, if not all of my self confidence and hit an all time low. At this time a boy that I worked with (call him C) began talking to be and I broke down and told him everything that happened, he was the only person I told although others had their suspicions. I found comfort in C and ending up cheating on J with him, something completely out of character for me and something I’d typically be against. I broke up with J shorty my after and it was horrible, the abuse, the messages and the threats. Unfortunately I wasn’t with C too long before he started displaying similar behaviour, he used a lot of drugs and would get abusive when under the influence. Around 6 months into dating him whilst we were on a foreign holiday I found out he had another girlfriend the whole time. He completely flipped when I confronted him and this was one of the lowest moments of my life, I was only 19, stranded abroad with an abusive partner. Once we got home I made the mature decision to block him and I’ve never spoken to him since. Onto my last boyfriend. He was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, I got on with him so well and everything seemed to be going good but I just couldn’t let myself love him for some reason. I was so insecure, paranoid and just had no belief that he was going to treat me any better and we decided to call it a day after 2.5 years. As I said above, I’ve been single for just over a year now. I feel like I’ve worked on myself and feel a lot happier within myself but every time I talk to someone or try to date I get so scared and completely block myself off once things start to get serious as all these memories just play in my mind. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up to anyone again in the fear of basically being treated like a piece of shit.What can I do to help myself? Any advice on this situation would be appreciated.TL;DR been through a few abusive relationships, don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up to anyone again.