Bad at expressing boundaries

Through some experiences I've discovered that I am terrible at saying no or telling someone to stop (don't worry nothing bad has happened yet because of this). In general I am kind of a people pleaser, so in a moment where my boundaries are being crossed I kind of freeze, unable to do or say anything, or the automatic pilot starts up and I keep doing what I was doing.

TLDR at the bottom

So to explain a little further; there was this one time where I was cleaning the bar and coffee machine after a long days work, one of the volunteers offered to help which I refused, but then out of nowhere he started massaging my beck and shoulders. I knew he had his eye on me, but due to the sudennes of his actions I tensed and just kept cleaning. Luckily he stopped quickly, but at that moment it was hard for me/didn't come to mind to ask him to stop.

In another instance, three friends (m, f, m) and me had gone out into town. I know that one of the guys would really like to sleep with me, I've told him before that I don't want to since it just is a little bit too complicated. Yet, I do not really mind when he touches me, I mean usually it is harmless and too little to make a fuss about. Now the problem with this guy is that he is very gentle and moves very slow. First it's just our legs touching each other, then his hand on my leg when he reaches over to grab something or to lean into the conversation with the others (he was sitting at the end and it was pretty loud in the bar). After a while we were just left with the two of us, the other guy had left and the woman had stepped out for a bit but would return in a couple of minutes. At this moment he reached over and first kissed my cheek once then my neck once while caressing my lower back/bum area. Right then I knew he had reached my boundary, but I just froze. I think he noticed, because he stopped and asked me something. What exactly I don't remember, but I tried to say no to him to say that I didn't want to go further than that. Even though this might have come out a little unclear due to the shock and alcohol, he did make a step back and intertwined our arms and held my hand just lightly. Right at that moment the other woman came back and we just went back to talking.

TLDR: How to express my boundaries clearly in the moment they are at risk of or are being crossed? And how to prevent freezing or get out of it quickly?

Submitted February 10, 2020 at 11:41PM

Through some experiences I've discovered that I am terrible at saying no or telling someone to stop (don't worry nothing bad has happened yet because of this). In general I am kind of a people pleaser, so in a moment where my boundaries are being crossed I kind of freeze, unable to do or say anything, or the automatic pilot starts up and I keep doing what I was doing.TLDR at the bottomSo to explain a little further; there was this one time where I was cleaning the bar and coffee machine after a long days work, one of the volunteers offered to help which I refused, but then out of nowhere he started massaging my beck and shoulders. I knew he had his eye on me, but due to the sudennes of his actions I tensed and just kept cleaning. Luckily he stopped quickly, but at that moment it was hard for me/didn't come to mind to ask him to stop.In another instance, three friends (m, f, m) and me had gone out into town. I know that one of the guys would really like to sleep with me, I've told him before that I don't want to since it just is a little bit too complicated. Yet, I do not really mind when he touches me, I mean usually it is harmless and too little to make a fuss about. Now the problem with this guy is that he is very gentle and moves very slow. First it's just our legs touching each other, then his hand on my leg when he reaches over to grab something or to lean into the conversation with the others (he was sitting at the end and it was pretty loud in the bar). After a while we were just left with the two of us, the other guy had left and the woman had stepped out for a bit but would return in a couple of minutes. At this moment he reached over and first kissed my cheek once then my neck once while caressing my lower back/bum area. Right then I knew he had reached my boundary, but I just froze. I think he noticed, because he stopped and asked me something. What exactly I don't remember, but I tried to say no to him to say that I didn't want to go further than that. Even though this might have come out a little unclear due to the shock and alcohol, he did make a step back and intertwined our arms and held my hand just lightly. Right at that moment the other woman came back and we just went back to talking.TLDR: How to express my boundaries clearly in the moment they are at risk of or are being crossed? And how to prevent freezing or get out of it quickly?