Why does my friend keep making big unnecessary promises and then not following through?

My [32NB] friend and housemate [29F] has a habit of offering very generous and unnecessary things, and then ...just not doing them.

Some examples:

A) NYE they offered to buy alcohol to restock the house. They have often been less employed than the rest of us in the past and we’ve supplied more groceries/alcohol because it’s no bother, so this is nice but not at all expected. There’s a whole ten minute conversation about what type of wine we’d like, and they said they’d just got paid and wanted to spend $200 on alcohol, so this wasn’t a quick offhand thought. A few hours later I check with them & oh they decided just to buy two cheap bottles of spirits, so now I have to rush out to get the wine I wanted or have nothing for New Years.

B) I’m coming back from several months overseas & I’ve been having a difficult time. My friend has been talking up meeting me at the gate with a big sign and balloons and everything. I get off the (26 hour) flight and discover they’re not at the gate. After I manage to get a SIM card working I discover they are at the airport but didn’t want to pay for parking, so I have to come find them.

C) They offer to help their ex move. The ex tells my friend they do not have to help, several times, because they know what my friend is like & they don’t want to rely on them if they bail. My friend insists repeatedly that they will be there. Moving day comes & my friend is just uncontactable. Doesn’t even text back to say they can’t make it.

I have more examples but you get the idea.

When I’ve tried to bring this up in the past, my friend reacts offended that we would be so entitled to them doing unnecessary nice things. But no one is expecting these big things from them until they are offered! The issue is that we’ve made expectations and plans around these offers and then suddenly there’s a massive disappointment when they don’t come through.

I think maybe my friend thinks the offering in itself is in someway helpful? Or gives partial credits of doing a nice thing? Rather than just generating unnecessary disappointment

How do I get my friend to stop making grand promises they can’t fulfil, and understand that this hurts people? What are they getting out of this? I don’t understand

Tl;dr - friend makes big unnecessary promises and then lets people down, how do I get them to stop?

Submitted January 02, 2020 at 11:57PM

My [32NB] friend and housemate [29F] has a habit of offering very generous and unnecessary things, and then ...just not doing them.Some examples:A) NYE they offered to buy alcohol to restock the house. They have often been less employed than the rest of us in the past and we’ve supplied more groceries/alcohol because it’s no bother, so this is nice but not at all expected. There’s a whole ten minute conversation about what type of wine we’d like, and they said they’d just got paid and wanted to spend $200 on alcohol, so this wasn’t a quick offhand thought. A few hours later I check with them & oh they decided just to buy two cheap bottles of spirits, so now I have to rush out to get the wine I wanted or have nothing for New Years.B) I’m coming back from several months overseas & I’ve been having a difficult time. My friend has been talking up meeting me at the gate with a big sign and balloons and everything. I get off the (26 hour) flight and discover they’re not at the gate. After I manage to get a SIM card working I discover they are at the airport but didn’t want to pay for parking, so I have to come find them.C) They offer to help their ex move. The ex tells my friend they do not have to help, several times, because they know what my friend is like & they don’t want to rely on them if they bail. My friend insists repeatedly that they will be there. Moving day comes & my friend is just uncontactable. Doesn’t even text back to say they can’t make it.I have more examples but you get the idea.When I’ve tried to bring this up in the past, my friend reacts offended that we would be so entitled to them doing unnecessary nice things. But no one is expecting these big things from them until they are offered! The issue is that we’ve made expectations and plans around these offers and then suddenly there’s a massive disappointment when they don’t come through.I think maybe my friend thinks the offering in itself is in someway helpful? Or gives partial credits of doing a nice thing? Rather than just generating unnecessary disappointmentHow do I get my friend to stop making grand promises they can’t fulfil, and understand that this hurts people? What are they getting out of this? I don’t understandTl;dr - friend makes big unnecessary promises and then lets people down, how do I get them to stop?