Can I risk being more open again?

I (F 32) was texting a guy (30) with a view to dating seriously over the last month or so. Ultimately, I did something wrong that ended the connection we had and I accept that.

However, before that happened he would ask me very personal questions which usually I answered but if I didn't, he would accuse me of not being interested in dating him saying things like I was wasting his time because he always knew "I was too good to be interested in someone like him". If I asked him any questions about more personal things, he would always not answer or give a very generic answer. This often made me feel vulnerable.

When we discussed the end of our connection, he asked why I had "lied and manipulated" him. An accusation he also made whenever I did something wrong in his eyes. But for me, I always stayed up until the very early hours of the morning just to talk to him and travelled a 3 hour round trip after work one evening just to meet him because he raised concerns about me not being serious again if I didn't. I was doing those things because I liked him and wanted to be with him but it never felt like enough. I would try to tell him, instead of lashing out just try talking me through his thoughts some more, but he never did. So when he asked I explained some of the ways I'd been hurt in the past (not all, because I didn't feel it necessary) and how whenever he'd make those accusations and not share the same level of personal back story it would make me doubt us and want to withdraw because I wasn't being listened to whenever I said how much I felt for him.

At first, he was understanding but as we talked more he said well it went wrong because of pain I'd experienced before that he didn't know about or wasn't involved in almost flippantly. But I feel like, if his behaviour wasn't so vicious, accusatory and dismissive it wouldn't have made me remember those times. Because generally, I don't have explain what's happened to me in the past as I've worked on it remaining there and mechanisms to do that. But is he right or am I?

I don't want this to happen again, but now I'm a little afraid to share my past with someone I care about in future in case it's used against me. Does anyone have any experience of this please?



Submitted January 03, 2020 at 12:35AM

I (F 32) was texting a guy (30) with a view to dating seriously over the last month or so. Ultimately, I did something wrong that ended the connection we had and I accept that.However, before that happened he would ask me very personal questions which usually I answered but if I didn't, he would accuse me of not being interested in dating him saying things like I was wasting his time because he always knew "I was too good to be interested in someone like him". If I asked him any questions about more personal things, he would always not answer or give a very generic answer. This often made me feel vulnerable.When we discussed the end of our connection, he asked why I had "lied and manipulated" him. An accusation he also made whenever I did something wrong in his eyes. But for me, I always stayed up until the very early hours of the morning just to talk to him and travelled a 3 hour round trip after work one evening just to meet him because he raised concerns about me not being serious again if I didn't. I was doing those things because I liked him and wanted to be with him but it never felt like enough. I would try to tell him, instead of lashing out just try talking me through his thoughts some more, but he never did. So when he asked I explained some of the ways I'd been hurt in the past (not all, because I didn't feel it necessary) and how whenever he'd make those accusations and not share the same level of personal back story it would make me doubt us and want to withdraw because I wasn't being listened to whenever I said how much I felt for him.At first, he was understanding but as we talked more he said well it went wrong because of pain I'd experienced before that he didn't know about or wasn't involved in almost flippantly. But I feel like, if his behaviour wasn't so vicious, accusatory and dismissive it wouldn't have made me remember those times. Because generally, I don't have explain what's happened to me in the past as I've worked on it remaining there and mechanisms to do that. But is he right or am I?I don't want this to happen again, but now I'm a little afraid to share my past with someone I care about in future in case it's used against me. Does anyone have any experience of this please?
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