My partner never tries to warm me up in bed

I've been with my partner for 5 years now. He's a good partner and focused on always getting an orgasm, so it never really crossed my mind that he might be selfish in bed.

We've communicated a lot, but it's pretty much always me who has to initiate or change things. I have more kinks, but I'm the only one whose ever bought toys, put on porn, etc. He never really wants to thinks to use any aids and relies on me to bring them in.

He's only really thought about positions that would feel better to him from what I can tell. Foreplay to him consists mostly of some kisses into oral on me and that's kind of the ritual we got stuck in. When I asked why he doesn't fondle my breasts or anything during piv, he says he just wants to focus on feels and visuals. Maybe it's a mismatch: he is super vanilla and the only porn he admits is a little left ball is just "unusual opportunities" (like very short women). Nothing special I try ever really turns him on. No lingeries, no ass play. Which is ok for him to be. Just maybe a fundamental difference as to why he may not care to think for me.

It takes A LOT of bugging him him to even get him to try something like dirty talk even after I send him info. I'm the only one who researches anything. Truly. He says he never thinks to Google anything but he says he'll try harder every time it turns into a fight (twice a year maybe). But the changes are so little, so directly what I say (aka no thought from him), and so tied into right after a fight from my perspective.

I know every couple is different, but I feel like I'm talking to a wall no matter what I try. We've read that book from the dead bedroom side bar. Any takes on what to do? Is this just an unscable mismatch? Are my expectations all wrong around sex?

Submitted January 29, 2020 at 11:54PM

I've been with my partner for 5 years now. He's a good partner and focused on always getting an orgasm, so it never really crossed my mind that he might be selfish in bed.We've communicated a lot, but it's pretty much always me who has to initiate or change things. I have more kinks, but I'm the only one whose ever bought toys, put on porn, etc. He never really wants to thinks to use any aids and relies on me to bring them in.He's only really thought about positions that would feel better to him from what I can tell. Foreplay to him consists mostly of some kisses into oral on me and that's kind of the ritual we got stuck in. When I asked why he doesn't fondle my breasts or anything during piv, he says he just wants to focus on feels and visuals. Maybe it's a mismatch: he is super vanilla and the only porn he admits is a little left ball is just "unusual opportunities" (like very short women). Nothing special I try ever really turns him on. No lingeries, no ass play. Which is ok for him to be. Just maybe a fundamental difference as to why he may not care to think for me.It takes A LOT of bugging him him to even get him to try something like dirty talk even after I send him info. I'm the only one who researches anything. Truly. He says he never thinks to Google anything but he says he'll try harder every time it turns into a fight (twice a year maybe). But the changes are so little, so directly what I say (aka no thought from him), and so tied into right after a fight from my perspective.I know every couple is different, but I feel like I'm talking to a wall no matter what I try. We've read that book from the dead bedroom side bar. Any takes on what to do? Is this just an unscable mismatch? Are my expectations all wrong around sex?