My BF is breaking up with me because of depression and anxiety

My BF (27m) and I have been dating for a little less than a year. Honestly, it was all great. We'd had issues, but nothing big and we really care for each other.

Lately, I (24f) have been having some personal issues: my family is conflictive so I avoid them, I reported my ex-roommate because he beat up his gf, doing my grad school applications, shit job, etc. In other words, I have not been having a blast, but none of these issues directly affected my BF or our relationship. But, especially the problem with my ex-roommate really affected my BF. He became nervous and scared for my safety, he even had a panic attack. I've been trying to reassure him that I'm okay, but I didn't want to minimize the issue either, so I was honest (the guy I reported is violent and knows where I work).

Two weeks ago, my MIL arrived for the Holiday season and is staying at my BF's. So he got added stress from her mom being around (she's nice, but a handful).

Last Sunday, my BF invited me to a family dinner (early dinner) and we were supposed to go to the movies after. I went and sat through the whole thing (her mom and aunt creating a very tense environment with their passive-aggressiveness against each other and their respective children). He then told me that it was too late and that he would take me home. On the drive back to my place, my BF just said that the stress was too much from him (referring to the stress from my own problems) and that he couldn't handle it anymore, so he couldn't be with me anymore.

My first reaction was to be upset, and honestly angry. I couldn't believe he was being so selfish. He had taken me to his family thing, and basically make me pretend we are the happiest couple and have his mom take pictures of us and of me with their family as if I was part of them and then just broke up with me. Besides, the problems I've been having are not easy and I have been very stressed myself, more so that he could be for the same reasons. I just felt so betrayed and alone. He had been a big support for me (not really having to do anything but be there, he was just the one person I was glad I could talk to). I had also compromised on a lot of things to minimize his stress, I got an app so he could see my location (the risk with the ex-roommate is real, I even have a restraining order), and I kept telling him I was okay. I don't need help resolving my problems, I have always been very independent and self-efficient, but his moral support was a BIG part of my own stability.

I tried to talk to him and tell him that he shouldn't be feeling as stressed as he's been feeling about my problems and that we could work that out. I suggested therapy because it's not okay for him to have anxiety attacks. He, however, said that he had to fi things himself and that he had to do that by himself, but that is had nothing to do with him loving me any less (?). All of a sudden it felt like he was getting rid of me because I was a big problem. Needless to say, I felt like absolute shit and haven't been doing great since: couldn't really eat until today and I've had a lot of anxiety.

I finally talked to him Tuesday night and I ended up telling him that I had been feeling like shit and that I was angry at him for dealing with this the way he has, but that I really want to fix things. He had another anxiety attack and kept saying he had to be alone to fix it because "that is who he is" (I know he has never been diagnosed with depression or anything like that before, but it looks like that's what is happening now). He finally agreed that we can see each other next Sunday so we can talk, but insists that he needs to find professional help on his own and be alone so that he can "find help and get better".

I have been depressed and had anxiety before. When I did, I also wanted to be alone, but that would have been the worst decision. What I really needed then was to get help and have the support from people who love me. If the people that helped me then would have left me alone like I wanted I would have probably fallen deeper into my depression. I know he is not one to show how he feels to his friends and family, and will probably just keep it all in. Now I don't know what to do. Should I just respect his wishes of being alone and deal with our breakup (and all the pain that represents)? Or should I try to help him, even if he refused the help at first? Has anyone actually gotten better from depression and anxiety by "themselves"?

I really don't want to lose him and the relationship we've built, but I also don't want to force something that can't be fixed

I miss him. He had become my best friend. I know I'll be okay without him, I just don't want that...

Help?

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***TL;DR:*** My BF is leaving me because he's falling into depression and has anxiety attacks and said my personal issued create too much stress for him (even though he does not have to solve my issues).

Should I insist on helping him deal with what he's going to (I am completely willing to do that, but he refuses my help) or should I just let him go?

Submitted December 20, 2019 at 12:15AM

My BF (27m) and I have been dating for a little less than a year. Honestly, it was all great. We'd had issues, but nothing big and we really care for each other.Lately, I (24f) have been having some personal issues: my family is conflictive so I avoid them, I reported my ex-roommate because he beat up his gf, doing my grad school applications, shit job, etc. In other words, I have not been having a blast, but none of these issues directly affected my BF or our relationship. But, especially the problem with my ex-roommate really affected my BF. He became nervous and scared for my safety, he even had a panic attack. I've been trying to reassure him that I'm okay, but I didn't want to minimize the issue either, so I was honest (the guy I reported is violent and knows where I work).Two weeks ago, my MIL arrived for the Holiday season and is staying at my BF's. So he got added stress from her mom being around (she's nice, but a handful).Last Sunday, my BF invited me to a family dinner (early dinner) and we were supposed to go to the movies after. I went and sat through the whole thing (her mom and aunt creating a very tense environment with their passive-aggressiveness against each other and their respective children). He then told me that it was too late and that he would take me home. On the drive back to my place, my BF just said that the stress was too much from him (referring to the stress from my own problems) and that he couldn't handle it anymore, so he couldn't be with me anymore.My first reaction was to be upset, and honestly angry. I couldn't believe he was being so selfish. He had taken me to his family thing, and basically make me pretend we are the happiest couple and have his mom take pictures of us and of me with their family as if I was part of them and then just broke up with me. Besides, the problems I've been having are not easy and I have been very stressed myself, more so that he could be for the same reasons. I just felt so betrayed and alone. He had been a big support for me (not really having to do anything but be there, he was just the one person I was glad I could talk to). I had also compromised on a lot of things to minimize his stress, I got an app so he could see my location (the risk with the ex-roommate is real, I even have a restraining order), and I kept telling him I was okay. I don't need help resolving my problems, I have always been very independent and self-efficient, but his moral support was a BIG part of my own stability.I tried to talk to him and tell him that he shouldn't be feeling as stressed as he's been feeling about my problems and that we could work that out. I suggested therapy because it's not okay for him to have anxiety attacks. He, however, said that he had to fi things himself and that he had to do that by himself, but that is had nothing to do with him loving me any less (?). All of a sudden it felt like he was getting rid of me because I was a big problem. Needless to say, I felt like absolute shit and haven't been doing great since: couldn't really eat until today and I've had a lot of anxiety.I finally talked to him Tuesday night and I ended up telling him that I had been feeling like shit and that I was angry at him for dealing with this the way he has, but that I really want to fix things. He had another anxiety attack and kept saying he had to be alone to fix it because "that is who he is" (I know he has never been diagnosed with depression or anything like that before, but it looks like that's what is happening now). He finally agreed that we can see each other next Sunday so we can talk, but insists that he needs to find professional help on his own and be alone so that he can "find help and get better".I have been depressed and had anxiety before. When I did, I also wanted to be alone, but that would have been the worst decision. What I really needed then was to get help and have the support from people who love me. If the people that helped me then would have left me alone like I wanted I would have probably fallen deeper into my depression. I know he is not one to show how he feels to his friends and family, and will probably just keep it all in. Now I don't know what to do. Should I just respect his wishes of being alone and deal with our breakup (and all the pain that represents)? Or should I try to help him, even if he refused the help at first? Has anyone actually gotten better from depression and anxiety by "themselves"?I really don't want to lose him and the relationship we've built, but I also don't want to force something that can't be fixedI miss him. He had become my best friend. I know I'll be okay without him, I just don't want that...Help?​***TL;DR:*** My BF is leaving me because he's falling into depression and has anxiety attacks and said my personal issued create too much stress for him (even though he does not have to solve my issues).Should I insist on helping him deal with what he's going to (I am completely willing to do that, but he refuses my help) or should I just let him go?