I [20M] am having a hard time dealing with my girlfriend [18F] being away at college. Advice?

Hi all,

My girlfriend and I have been dating now for nearly 5 years, and up until this point our relationship has been rock solid. Transitioning to a long distance relationship has made things more difficult for us though.

My girlfriend is a very friendly person, and as such she has always had many friends, who in the past have mostly been girls save a select few. Now that she is off to college, she has a male friend (ill call him J) who she seems to be around very frequently.

As her boyfriend, I originally had a problem when she told me she went Ice skating with J. To me this seemed to be a bit odd, and I told her it is something I would never do alone with another girl, as it has that stigma of being a romantic activity. She told me it wasn't like that, and that seemed to be that.

From this point on, I have found that whenever she does anything involving J, I am less likely to hear about it, and even less likely to hear that J is involved, unless I pry that information out of her.

Last week, I tried to call her multiple times when she said she would be available, but her phone rang through.. When I finally got a hold of her a few minutes later, she apologized for not answering and said her phone was charging. (throughout the 5 years of dating her, her phone has never been on silent or ring, so I feel like she heard it). While on the phone, she voiced that she was putting her shoes on and left wherever she was, whispering goodbye, to who was later revealed to be J. She admitted that she was alone in Js room, and said that they were sitting and talking on his bed. His roommate was not there. Again, I feel like I had to pry this information out of her, as if she didn't want me to know it.

I did not like this, because I know the way it makes me feel as a boyfriend and if the tables were turned, I would avoid going into any females dorm because I feel that crosses boundaries in our relationship. Even if I did enter a girl's room, I would not linger in there sharing the bed.

I voiced my concerns and discomforts to my girlfriend, but I was shot down for being jealous and not trusting her.

Just recently, i asked my girlfriend what she had done that day, and she said that she went ice skating. I asked if she went with a big group of friends like the last time she had went, and she responded no. So I asked if she went alone instead. And she said no. Then she said she went with J, after more prying..

I felt betrayed and disrespected, as I had told her in the past that I didn't like it, and I also felt manipulated/lied to since she didn't just come out and say who she had gone with.

When I voiced these complaints she claimed she hid it because she didn't want to upset me and cause an argument, but I told her it's not okay to hide things from me. I would rather know about it even if it upsets me than have the girl who I feel I can tell anything holding information from me.

Yesterday I drove up to bring my girlfriend home for break, and while we were packing she got a snapchat from J. She didn't open it, which is unusual for her as she is always sending streaks and keeping up with a ton of people, so it seemed weird that she wasn't responding to "her best college friend", but I brushed it off because we were busy packing. On the ride home, she was on her phone, and she was sending and receiving snapchats and all of that, but she didn't open his. We got to her house at dinner time, ate dinner, and watched a movie with her parents, and then I slept over. When we woke up, she still hadn't opened it, and at this point I was actively curious about it. She was browsing Instagram and Facebook in front of me, but later rolled over away from me to go on snapchat. I asked her why she was hiding snapchat from me, and she just brushed it off. I didn't consider opening it myself a real option as I respect her privacy and all that, so I let it be, and by mid day today she still hadn't opened it, although she had received and replied to many other snapchats. When we parted, she was going out with friends and I assume she has opened it now that I am gone. Her behavior is unusual with this, and this is totally new territory for me. I don't want to be a jealous and restricting boyfriend, but I feel like she doesn't respect my feelings or cater to how things might make me feel.

In reality, I feel like I am only her boyfriend when she comes home from college, and when she goes back she replaces me with other things. I definitely don't feel as close to her as we used to be. I don't want to think she is actually cheating on me, but I do feel that this behavior is not conducive to a healthy long distance relationship..

QUESTIONS: Is it wrong for me to feel like I cannot trust my girlfriend like I once could? Is it okay from a relationship point of view for her to be alone with another man in his bed late at night? Is it wrong that I don't trust her with this guy I've never met? Should I confront her about the whole snapchat thing?

Tldr: summaries are hard.. My GF of 5 years spends alot of time alone with a specific man when she is away at college, including being alone in his dorm room bed with him. She seems to hide her interactions with him from me, and pins my discomfort with her behavior on my lack of trust for her. I feel like she should be able to have male friends, but this to me crosses distinct lines in our relationship. I know I wouldn't do the same with any females out of respect for my girlfriend, even if the motives were purely innocent.

Submitted December 20, 2019 at 12:18AM

Hi all,My girlfriend and I have been dating now for nearly 5 years, and up until this point our relationship has been rock solid. Transitioning to a long distance relationship has made things more difficult for us though.My girlfriend is a very friendly person, and as such she has always had many friends, who in the past have mostly been girls save a select few. Now that she is off to college, she has a male friend (ill call him J) who she seems to be around very frequently.As her boyfriend, I originally had a problem when she told me she went Ice skating with J. To me this seemed to be a bit odd, and I told her it is something I would never do alone with another girl, as it has that stigma of being a romantic activity. She told me it wasn't like that, and that seemed to be that.From this point on, I have found that whenever she does anything involving J, I am less likely to hear about it, and even less likely to hear that J is involved, unless I pry that information out of her.Last week, I tried to call her multiple times when she said she would be available, but her phone rang through.. When I finally got a hold of her a few minutes later, she apologized for not answering and said her phone was charging. (throughout the 5 years of dating her, her phone has never been on silent or ring, so I feel like she heard it). While on the phone, she voiced that she was putting her shoes on and left wherever she was, whispering goodbye, to who was later revealed to be J. She admitted that she was alone in Js room, and said that they were sitting and talking on his bed. His roommate was not there. Again, I feel like I had to pry this information out of her, as if she didn't want me to know it.I did not like this, because I know the way it makes me feel as a boyfriend and if the tables were turned, I would avoid going into any females dorm because I feel that crosses boundaries in our relationship. Even if I did enter a girl's room, I would not linger in there sharing the bed.I voiced my concerns and discomforts to my girlfriend, but I was shot down for being jealous and not trusting her.Just recently, i asked my girlfriend what she had done that day, and she said that she went ice skating. I asked if she went with a big group of friends like the last time she had went, and she responded no. So I asked if she went alone instead. And she said no. Then she said she went with J, after more prying..I felt betrayed and disrespected, as I had told her in the past that I didn't like it, and I also felt manipulated/lied to since she didn't just come out and say who she had gone with.When I voiced these complaints she claimed she hid it because she didn't want to upset me and cause an argument, but I told her it's not okay to hide things from me. I would rather know about it even if it upsets me than have the girl who I feel I can tell anything holding information from me.Yesterday I drove up to bring my girlfriend home for break, and while we were packing she got a snapchat from J. She didn't open it, which is unusual for her as she is always sending streaks and keeping up with a ton of people, so it seemed weird that she wasn't responding to "her best college friend", but I brushed it off because we were busy packing. On the ride home, she was on her phone, and she was sending and receiving snapchats and all of that, but she didn't open his. We got to her house at dinner time, ate dinner, and watched a movie with her parents, and then I slept over. When we woke up, she still hadn't opened it, and at this point I was actively curious about it. She was browsing Instagram and Facebook in front of me, but later rolled over away from me to go on snapchat. I asked her why she was hiding snapchat from me, and she just brushed it off. I didn't consider opening it myself a real option as I respect her privacy and all that, so I let it be, and by mid day today she still hadn't opened it, although she had received and replied to many other snapchats. When we parted, she was going out with friends and I assume she has opened it now that I am gone. Her behavior is unusual with this, and this is totally new territory for me. I don't want to be a jealous and restricting boyfriend, but I feel like she doesn't respect my feelings or cater to how things might make me feel.In reality, I feel like I am only her boyfriend when she comes home from college, and when she goes back she replaces me with other things. I definitely don't feel as close to her as we used to be. I don't want to think she is actually cheating on me, but I do feel that this behavior is not conducive to a healthy long distance relationship..QUESTIONS: Is it wrong for me to feel like I cannot trust my girlfriend like I once could? Is it okay from a relationship point of view for her to be alone with another man in his bed late at night? Is it wrong that I don't trust her with this guy I've never met? Should I confront her about the whole snapchat thing?Tldr: summaries are hard.. My GF of 5 years spends alot of time alone with a specific man when she is away at college, including being alone in his dorm room bed with him. She seems to hide her interactions with him from me, and pins my discomfort with her behavior on my lack of trust for her. I feel like she should be able to have male friends, but this to me crosses distinct lines in our relationship. I know I wouldn't do the same with any females out of respect for my girlfriend, even if the motives were purely innocent.