I (26F) cheated on my boyfriend (28M) of 4 years with my co-worker (26M), and I don't know what to do now.

I fucked up really hard. I cheated. I can write out a list of excuses and explanations, but none of it really matters, because at the end of the day, it's very simple, I betrayed the man that I love. I am going to have to live with that fact and own up to my mistake and move forward and just commit to not being this shitty to anyone ever again. I just need some help and advice figuring out what the right thing to do is here.

Basically I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We've lived together for 2 of those years. Things were great at the beginning, but eventually, I felt the relationship dying. There were no more dates, sex, or any kind of romance. I gave an honest effort to talk to him about it, but each time he was too overwhelmed with work/friends/family/etc. to have that talk with me. It was the same situation when I would try to initiate anything sexual/romantic, just too stressed for that right now. I'd get upset at first, let him know that I didn't feel like a priority anymore, that I felt really rejected, but after a year of the same conversation, I stopped caring. And for that year, we didn't fight, that part was nice, if you disregard the absence of dates, sex, and romance.

So in comes my new co-worker. My office flew him in from out of state to help me launch a new product for a few months. And during those few months, we worked very closely together. Even after work, we would spend time together since we happened to share the same hobbies. And during that time, we were texting all the time. At first I didn't recognize it as me doing something wrong, but the closer that I got to my co-worker, the more that I found myself saying to myself "I wish my boyfriend was more like this..." And eventually, as we learned more about each other, I realized that I was getting legitimate feelings for this guy, and I knew I had to stop otherwise things might get physical.

I told my co-worker that I was worried we were getting too close and that we might get ourselves into trouble because of it. I told him how much I loved my boyfriend, that he was going to be my husband, the father of my children, and I couldn't let anything get in the way of our future together. My co-worker understood completely. He told me that the feelings were getting stronger on his end too, but that he just wanted me to be happy and was willing to keep his distance.

We continued to work together, and everything was going smoothly without incident. We stopped hanging out and texting. Until a week ago. My boyfriend and I got into the biggest fight, or non-fight I guess. I had to leave for a week to go to our company's HQ for the launch, and I just wanted an intimate night in with him before I had to go. And the same excuses came up, and he just wanted to relax and play videogames all night. And I just had it. I bursted out crying. I told him I felt like nothing to him anymore. And he just said "Not today, please. I've had a really rough week. Can we just talk about this another time?" So I just walked away. He played videogames the rest of the night. I remained silently depressed in bed until he crawled into bed next to me at 3am. I left a few hours later to get on my flight.

My co-worker saw me and was immediately concerned because I looked so tired. I told him I didn't really want to talk about it, so he just spent the entire time talking to me about other things to cheer me up. And halfway through the flight I let out a few tears. I did my best to compose myself, but as soon as my co-worker asked me what was wrong, it all just came pouring out. I told him how much I appreciated him cheering me up, but the whole time all I could think about was how much I wished my boyfriend could have been the one doing that instead. I told him the rest of the details about what happened the night before, and our relationship so far, and he just gave me some advice about how I need to value myself and realize that I deserve more than what he's been giving me and to stop putting my needs on the backburner. That if he is not willing to give me the time of day to work through our problems, then he doesn't deserve the relationship if he isn't willing to put in the work. I thanked him for being a good friend to me and talking me through it all.

The rest of the week was chaos at HQ, and it helped me keep my mind off of my boyfriend. During the whole time that I was away, my boyfriend and I probably exchanged 10 messages per day at most, just some basic "hope you have a good day" and "I love you" kind of messages. Didn't bring up anything else.

The trouble came during the night of the launch party. The launch itself went swimmingly, but after, my co-worker and I got really drunk and ended up back in my hotel room. At that point, we had flirted more than we had ever flirted before, and things were definitely getting touchy. He layed down with me in bed and we spent hours just talking about our lives, and it was really nice getting to know someone else on this level. As the sun was starting to rise, he asked me how I was feeling, if I was still drunk. And I told him I was pretty sober after our talk, and he asked me if those feelings I had for him before were still there. And I told him honestly that they were, and even stronger than ever. And then he pulled me closer, and that was it. I was even put together enough to make sure that he wore a condom.

In the moment, the thought of my boyfriend never once crossed my mind. But in the morning, I was filled with remorse and guilt. My co-worker tried to have some light conversation with me, but it ultimately came down to "last night... What did that mean?" And I told him that I honestly did not know. That I needed to talk to my boyfriend, and that whatever happens, I'll keep his name out of it, but I just couldn't really figure out what last night meant yet. He would be flying back to his home, and I would be flying back to mine, and we would be hundreds of miles apart from each other.

A few hours later, I had to go home and face my boyfriend. As I walked into the house, all I could think was "this whole life we built together, it's all going to be gone in an instant because of me." When I finally did see him, he pulled me in close and apologized profusely for how he's been treating me. He realizes that I've been right, and that I really needed to shape up or that he would lose me. He told me about how he'd never loved and trusted anyone like this before, and that I was the one who made him believe that good and kind people actually existed in this world. This was not the first time that we had this conversation. There were about 3 other occasions where he told me this and would spend about a month being the best boyfriend before going back to his old ways. But this time it broke my heart to hear, because I felt like I had to tell him something that would take away his faith in humanity.

I started off by telling him how much I love him and how hard I have been trying to keep our relationship alive, but that it's clear that both of us just can't do it anymore. I needed to learn to care about my needs enough to be vocal and not let any relationship get to this point. And he needs to learn to manage his life in a way where his daily stressors aren't so bad that it keeps him from being happy and being able to care in a relationship.

At the end of all that, we both acknowledged that we needed to legitimately work on our anxiety, depression, and self esteem issues and that until we can be happy on our own, it would be impossible to be happy with anyone else. This is a long overdue talk, and I wish I had the strength to have it sooner before letting things get this bad.

I really thought to myself in that moment if me telling him I cheated on him would put him in a better position. He wants to work on himself and become better to be happy on his own. I'm not going to be in his life anymore. Would telling him just turn him bitter and make him unable to trust anyone ever again?

I just don't know what to do here or have anyone to talk to. I know I fucked up so badly, but I just want to do the right thing moving forward.

So that's where I am right now. I'm packing all my things up as I try to figure out if telling him is the right thing to do.

As far as my co-worker goes, I'm not leaving my boyfriend to be with my co-worker by any means. The way I see it, that relationship would never be able to happen because the foundation would be built on something so bad. But I didn't cheat on my boyfriend with a random stranger. I cheated with someone that I really connected strongly with. I don't really have much in terms of friends and family, and his support was just so warm and inviting. But given what we did together... Is he a bad person that's toxic for my life? Or is he a good person who just did a bad thing? And I guess that applies to me too... Am I a bad person? I don't really know how I see myself anymore.

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything. I just feel like my moral compass has been compromised, and I need help figuring out what the right thing to do is here.

Tl;dr - I cheated on my boyfriend of 4 years with a co-worker. We are now breaking up, but I haven't told him about the cheating. I don't know if I should tell him or not. I also don't know what I should do about my co-worker.

Submitted December 17, 2019 at 12:29AM

I fucked up really hard. I cheated. I can write out a list of excuses and explanations, but none of it really matters, because at the end of the day, it's very simple, I betrayed the man that I love. I am going to have to live with that fact and own up to my mistake and move forward and just commit to not being this shitty to anyone ever again. I just need some help and advice figuring out what the right thing to do is here.Basically I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We've lived together for 2 of those years. Things were great at the beginning, but eventually, I felt the relationship dying. There were no more dates, sex, or any kind of romance. I gave an honest effort to talk to him about it, but each time he was too overwhelmed with work/friends/family/etc. to have that talk with me. It was the same situation when I would try to initiate anything sexual/romantic, just too stressed for that right now. I'd get upset at first, let him know that I didn't feel like a priority anymore, that I felt really rejected, but after a year of the same conversation, I stopped caring. And for that year, we didn't fight, that part was nice, if you disregard the absence of dates, sex, and romance.So in comes my new co-worker. My office flew him in from out of state to help me launch a new product for a few months. And during those few months, we worked very closely together. Even after work, we would spend time together since we happened to share the same hobbies. And during that time, we were texting all the time. At first I didn't recognize it as me doing something wrong, but the closer that I got to my co-worker, the more that I found myself saying to myself "I wish my boyfriend was more like this..." And eventually, as we learned more about each other, I realized that I was getting legitimate feelings for this guy, and I knew I had to stop otherwise things might get physical.I told my co-worker that I was worried we were getting too close and that we might get ourselves into trouble because of it. I told him how much I loved my boyfriend, that he was going to be my husband, the father of my children, and I couldn't let anything get in the way of our future together. My co-worker understood completely. He told me that the feelings were getting stronger on his end too, but that he just wanted me to be happy and was willing to keep his distance.We continued to work together, and everything was going smoothly without incident. We stopped hanging out and texting. Until a week ago. My boyfriend and I got into the biggest fight, or non-fight I guess. I had to leave for a week to go to our company's HQ for the launch, and I just wanted an intimate night in with him before I had to go. And the same excuses came up, and he just wanted to relax and play videogames all night. And I just had it. I bursted out crying. I told him I felt like nothing to him anymore. And he just said "Not today, please. I've had a really rough week. Can we just talk about this another time?" So I just walked away. He played videogames the rest of the night. I remained silently depressed in bed until he crawled into bed next to me at 3am. I left a few hours later to get on my flight.My co-worker saw me and was immediately concerned because I looked so tired. I told him I didn't really want to talk about it, so he just spent the entire time talking to me about other things to cheer me up. And halfway through the flight I let out a few tears. I did my best to compose myself, but as soon as my co-worker asked me what was wrong, it all just came pouring out. I told him how much I appreciated him cheering me up, but the whole time all I could think about was how much I wished my boyfriend could have been the one doing that instead. I told him the rest of the details about what happened the night before, and our relationship so far, and he just gave me some advice about how I need to value myself and realize that I deserve more than what he's been giving me and to stop putting my needs on the backburner. That if he is not willing to give me the time of day to work through our problems, then he doesn't deserve the relationship if he isn't willing to put in the work. I thanked him for being a good friend to me and talking me through it all.The rest of the week was chaos at HQ, and it helped me keep my mind off of my boyfriend. During the whole time that I was away, my boyfriend and I probably exchanged 10 messages per day at most, just some basic "hope you have a good day" and "I love you" kind of messages. Didn't bring up anything else.The trouble came during the night of the launch party. The launch itself went swimmingly, but after, my co-worker and I got really drunk and ended up back in my hotel room. At that point, we had flirted more than we had ever flirted before, and things were definitely getting touchy. He layed down with me in bed and we spent hours just talking about our lives, and it was really nice getting to know someone else on this level. As the sun was starting to rise, he asked me how I was feeling, if I was still drunk. And I told him I was pretty sober after our talk, and he asked me if those feelings I had for him before were still there. And I told him honestly that they were, and even stronger than ever. And then he pulled me closer, and that was it. I was even put together enough to make sure that he wore a condom.In the moment, the thought of my boyfriend never once crossed my mind. But in the morning, I was filled with remorse and guilt. My co-worker tried to have some light conversation with me, but it ultimately came down to "last night... What did that mean?" And I told him that I honestly did not know. That I needed to talk to my boyfriend, and that whatever happens, I'll keep his name out of it, but I just couldn't really figure out what last night meant yet. He would be flying back to his home, and I would be flying back to mine, and we would be hundreds of miles apart from each other.A few hours later, I had to go home and face my boyfriend. As I walked into the house, all I could think was "this whole life we built together, it's all going to be gone in an instant because of me." When I finally did see him, he pulled me in close and apologized profusely for how he's been treating me. He realizes that I've been right, and that I really needed to shape up or that he would lose me. He told me about how he'd never loved and trusted anyone like this before, and that I was the one who made him believe that good and kind people actually existed in this world. This was not the first time that we had this conversation. There were about 3 other occasions where he told me this and would spend about a month being the best boyfriend before going back to his old ways. But this time it broke my heart to hear, because I felt like I had to tell him something that would take away his faith in humanity.I started off by telling him how much I love him and how hard I have been trying to keep our relationship alive, but that it's clear that both of us just can't do it anymore. I needed to learn to care about my needs enough to be vocal and not let any relationship get to this point. And he needs to learn to manage his life in a way where his daily stressors aren't so bad that it keeps him from being happy and being able to care in a relationship.At the end of all that, we both acknowledged that we needed to legitimately work on our anxiety, depression, and self esteem issues and that until we can be happy on our own, it would be impossible to be happy with anyone else. This is a long overdue talk, and I wish I had the strength to have it sooner before letting things get this bad.I really thought to myself in that moment if me telling him I cheated on him would put him in a better position. He wants to work on himself and become better to be happy on his own. I'm not going to be in his life anymore. Would telling him just turn him bitter and make him unable to trust anyone ever again?I just don't know what to do here or have anyone to talk to. I know I fucked up so badly, but I just want to do the right thing moving forward.So that's where I am right now. I'm packing all my things up as I try to figure out if telling him is the right thing to do.As far as my co-worker goes, I'm not leaving my boyfriend to be with my co-worker by any means. The way I see it, that relationship would never be able to happen because the foundation would be built on something so bad. But I didn't cheat on my boyfriend with a random stranger. I cheated with someone that I really connected strongly with. I don't really have much in terms of friends and family, and his support was just so warm and inviting. But given what we did together... Is he a bad person that's toxic for my life? Or is he a good person who just did a bad thing? And I guess that applies to me too... Am I a bad person? I don't really know how I see myself anymore.I'm not looking for sympathy or anything. I just feel like my moral compass has been compromised, and I need help figuring out what the right thing to do is here.Tl;dr - I cheated on my boyfriend of 4 years with a co-worker. We are now breaking up, but I haven't told him about the cheating. I don't know if I should tell him or not. I also don't know what I should do about my co-worker.