Can I cheat emotionally?

First thing, I'm new in this plataform, so I published this thread on a another sub before and the moderaters of it took it down bc it didnt belong there. However, someone told me about this sub :)

Hey, so, last summer I received the opportunity to participate in an exchange and I was nervous and excited about it, the problem was that my boyfriend (im in an year long relationship) was really mad about it, he wouldnt even talk straight to me. But well, I told my mom and she was happy for me and when he knew that my mom was going to support me, he pretended that he did to, so, instead of mad, he wanted to show me that he was sad and that he was going to miss me. Honestly, I believe that he was going to miss me, but I know that he was doing everything he could just to make me feel bad and almost ashamed of myself (he did make me feel like that, but that was not a new; after a few months dating I saw myself in an unhealthy relationship). His performance lasted till the end of the exchange (he even broke up with me in the midle of the exchange (although we both knew we were going to be together again when I arrived my country) and I kinda got used to it, but when I was there, on my own, only with people I didnt know and that didnt know a single thing about me, I started to think that I was better on my own, without that abusive relationship. And in that circunstances I met a boy. And if I´m being truthfull, we did nothing. Nothing more than with the other participants of the exchange. I know I did nothing wrong on that part. He didnt have a girlfriend, but everyone knew from the start that I was in a relationship. I could include some graphic stuff about my mental health (but im not going to), but this exchange made me feel alive like I have not felt it in years, it was like starting over without my ilness, in a place totally knew, with new people and a new me. It was amazing. For now, I´m still in that relationship, I could feel guilty about a lot of things, but the thing I most feel guilty about is that I cant help thinking about the boy I met, and today, like every other day, I was wondering "why do I think about this guy, I dont even know him, I didnt even touch him", and than I finally realized that it wasnt him. Before the exchange, I wasnt happy at all, and it started at least 5y ago. I had already forgotten how it feels to not be apathethic all the time, to be happy, and when I finally felt it, he was with me. Because of it, I associate happiness to him. I have never talked to him since summer and I did not tell anyone about the boy or about my feelings and I cant breakup with my actual boyfriend bc although I know that he doesnt love, but loves my company, he is my confort zone and I'm not capable of leaving him (or being leaved). Are my feelings a new form of cheating? I know that the most logical thing to do would be breaking up, but how can I feel ok with it? Or how can I break up without losing control of everything? Sorry for my english.

**TL;DR; : This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, all things are bold. Is this going the right way?**.

Submitted December 27, 2019 at 11:54PM

First thing, I'm new in this plataform, so I published this thread on a another sub before and the moderaters of it took it down bc it didnt belong there. However, someone told me about this sub :)Hey, so, last summer I received the opportunity to participate in an exchange and I was nervous and excited about it, the problem was that my boyfriend (im in an year long relationship) was really mad about it, he wouldnt even talk straight to me. But well, I told my mom and she was happy for me and when he knew that my mom was going to support me, he pretended that he did to, so, instead of mad, he wanted to show me that he was sad and that he was going to miss me. Honestly, I believe that he was going to miss me, but I know that he was doing everything he could just to make me feel bad and almost ashamed of myself (he did make me feel like that, but that was not a new; after a few months dating I saw myself in an unhealthy relationship). His performance lasted till the end of the exchange (he even broke up with me in the midle of the exchange (although we both knew we were going to be together again when I arrived my country) and I kinda got used to it, but when I was there, on my own, only with people I didnt know and that didnt know a single thing about me, I started to think that I was better on my own, without that abusive relationship. And in that circunstances I met a boy. And if I´m being truthfull, we did nothing. Nothing more than with the other participants of the exchange. I know I did nothing wrong on that part. He didnt have a girlfriend, but everyone knew from the start that I was in a relationship. I could include some graphic stuff about my mental health (but im not going to), but this exchange made me feel alive like I have not felt it in years, it was like starting over without my ilness, in a place totally knew, with new people and a new me. It was amazing. For now, I´m still in that relationship, I could feel guilty about a lot of things, but the thing I most feel guilty about is that I cant help thinking about the boy I met, and today, like every other day, I was wondering "why do I think about this guy, I dont even know him, I didnt even touch him", and than I finally realized that it wasnt him. Before the exchange, I wasnt happy at all, and it started at least 5y ago. I had already forgotten how it feels to not be apathethic all the time, to be happy, and when I finally felt it, he was with me. Because of it, I associate happiness to him. I have never talked to him since summer and I did not tell anyone about the boy or about my feelings and I cant breakup with my actual boyfriend bc although I know that he doesnt love, but loves my company, he is my confort zone and I'm not capable of leaving him (or being leaved). Are my feelings a new form of cheating? I know that the most logical thing to do would be breaking up, but how can I feel ok with it? Or how can I break up without losing control of everything? Sorry for my english.**TL;DR; : This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, all things are bold. Is this going the right way?**.