My husband (both mid-30s, F/M) lied to me about going to a fitness class for seemingly no reason. Am I overreacting?

Let me just start this by saying that lying, in any form, is something that I have a REALLY hard time with. White lies, big lies, I hate it all. My adherence to honesty is even a running joke in my friend group.

Background: My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. No kids. We have a very happy and loving relationship. Yesterday he lied about something so silly and insignificant, that it makes me question what else he is capable of. He's never really lied about anything before to me (as far as I'm aware), but I've definitely heard of him lying when he was in his early 20s. Never anything big, like cheating on a girlfriend or anything, more "white lies" to avoid confrontation or disappointment. I'm just wondering it there's more, and if there WILL be more.

Here's what went down: A few days ago, my husband and I were looking at the workout for Friday at this workout class we both attend. The workout gets posted everyday, and he always looks before going to see what it is. We generally go at least M-W-F (I go in the mornings, he goes in the afternoons). He looked at the site and he's like "oh man, this workout looks awful, I'm going to skip it." I was like "you shouldn't avoid it just because it's movements you don't like, you should go. I'm gonna go!" Anyway, we got into this little tiff about it, mostly because he was denying that he wasn't going because of the particular movement he hates (which he always talks about hating and he seemed 100% fully prepared to go before he looked at the site). He also tends to shy away from things he thinks he's not very good and has a hard time challenging himself (and these are sore spots for me). Anyway, we ended the night on a sour note. The next morning, I go to the workout class. Afterwards, I text him and apologize for kind of being a jerk the night before and that it's his own dang body and life, it really wasn't my place to make a big deal about. He says don't worry about it. We have a normal pleasant day after that. I don't make any more comments or assumptions about whether he's planning on going to the class or not.

I come home from work later that day, and it's at a time of day where I know he'd be at his workout class. He's not home and his workout clothes are off the chair, so I figured he went. He comes through the door at the normal time he would come home from the class. The first thing he says is "Man, that class was rough!" We talk about it a little bit, I ask him which other gym-goers were there. He says some names. He tells me what his "time" was for the particular workout. He says a few other details. I notice that he's not very sweaty but I don't have any reason to suspect he's lying at this point, and I'm like "Wow, I'm impressed. It looks like you barely broke a sweat!" and he kind of shrugs it off. He seems very quick to change the subject and is a little quiet for the remainder of the night, but nothing seems too majorly off.

The next morning (this morning), I'm lying in bed playing on my phone while my husband is watching TV in the living room. I go to the workout class website. They post scores and stuff on there. I'm curious about what other people's times were and I look at the list. I'm curious where my husband's name is, because it's not under his normal workout hour. And also very different people attended that hour than the names he had said. His name isn't on the list at all. I'm very confused and check to make sure I have the right date. Then it dawns on me: the not-being-sweaty...the nervousness and wanting to change the subject...he didn't go to the class at all. I walk out to the living room and feel kind of light-headed.

He's like "morning!" I sit down and I'm like "Who did you say was in your class yesterday?" and he's like "Um, I don't remember." And I'm like "Well I'm pretty sure you said it was X and Y, but they weren't on the roster." And he's like "Weird, let me see that!" and I show him the page. Then I look at him and I ask,"Did you lie about not going to the class?" and he looks me straight in the face and says "No! I went to the class" and I can just 100% tell by the look on his face and how he's acting that he's lying. And then I'm like "You're lying, aren't you." and finally he breaks down and says "yes." I feel myself just going numb, because this is soooo outside the norm for us. Or at least I thought it was.

Let me know re-iterate...I REALLY don't give a shit about the class. It's the lying straight to my face, fabricating stories and then doing it AGAIN when confronted. He starts crying and saying that he felt like he was disappointing me by not going, how he doesn't want to ever disappoint me, etc. At this point, it feels like all our trust is broken. I just feel like I can't trust him if he would lie to me so convincingly about something so small and insignificant. He swears up and down that he's never lied to me like this before, and would NEVER lie about something big (because he couldn't live with himself) but I just don't know what to believe anymore. He has generally low-esteem and difficulty being "himself" in social situations. He's already made an appointment with a therapist. He's been crying all day and having a panic attack. I told him that it just really disturbed me how effortlessly he was able to lie to me, and it really makes me question whether we can have a relationship when my trust has been so shaken.

My question: I feel really, really rocked by this, but I'm just trying to gain some perspective about whether I'm too extreme on my reaction to lying, especially in this particular insignificant scenario. We are a very happy couple otherwise, but this has me seriously questioning if I'll ever be able to feel the same about him again.

TLDR: Husband made up story and intricate details about having gone to fitness class, when he seemingly had no reason to do so. I'm questioning whether I'm justified in feeling like our trust is broken or totally blowing this out of proportion.

Submitted November 24, 2019 at 12:09AM

Let me just start this by saying that lying, in any form, is something that I have a REALLY hard time with. White lies, big lies, I hate it all. My adherence to honesty is even a running joke in my friend group.Background: My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. No kids. We have a very happy and loving relationship. Yesterday he lied about something so silly and insignificant, that it makes me question what else he is capable of. He's never really lied about anything before to me (as far as I'm aware), but I've definitely heard of him lying when he was in his early 20s. Never anything big, like cheating on a girlfriend or anything, more "white lies" to avoid confrontation or disappointment. I'm just wondering it there's more, and if there WILL be more.Here's what went down: A few days ago, my husband and I were looking at the workout for Friday at this workout class we both attend. The workout gets posted everyday, and he always looks before going to see what it is. We generally go at least M-W-F (I go in the mornings, he goes in the afternoons). He looked at the site and he's like "oh man, this workout looks awful, I'm going to skip it." I was like "you shouldn't avoid it just because it's movements you don't like, you should go. I'm gonna go!" Anyway, we got into this little tiff about it, mostly because he was denying that he wasn't going because of the particular movement he hates (which he always talks about hating and he seemed 100% fully prepared to go before he looked at the site). He also tends to shy away from things he thinks he's not very good and has a hard time challenging himself (and these are sore spots for me). Anyway, we ended the night on a sour note. The next morning, I go to the workout class. Afterwards, I text him and apologize for kind of being a jerk the night before and that it's his own dang body and life, it really wasn't my place to make a big deal about. He says don't worry about it. We have a normal pleasant day after that. I don't make any more comments or assumptions about whether he's planning on going to the class or not.I come home from work later that day, and it's at a time of day where I know he'd be at his workout class. He's not home and his workout clothes are off the chair, so I figured he went. He comes through the door at the normal time he would come home from the class. The first thing he says is "Man, that class was rough!" We talk about it a little bit, I ask him which other gym-goers were there. He says some names. He tells me what his "time" was for the particular workout. He says a few other details. I notice that he's not very sweaty but I don't have any reason to suspect he's lying at this point, and I'm like "Wow, I'm impressed. It looks like you barely broke a sweat!" and he kind of shrugs it off. He seems very quick to change the subject and is a little quiet for the remainder of the night, but nothing seems too majorly off.The next morning (this morning), I'm lying in bed playing on my phone while my husband is watching TV in the living room. I go to the workout class website. They post scores and stuff on there. I'm curious about what other people's times were and I look at the list. I'm curious where my husband's name is, because it's not under his normal workout hour. And also very different people attended that hour than the names he had said. His name isn't on the list at all. I'm very confused and check to make sure I have the right date. Then it dawns on me: the not-being-sweaty...the nervousness and wanting to change the subject...he didn't go to the class at all. I walk out to the living room and feel kind of light-headed.He's like "morning!" I sit down and I'm like "Who did you say was in your class yesterday?" and he's like "Um, I don't remember." And I'm like "Well I'm pretty sure you said it was X and Y, but they weren't on the roster." And he's like "Weird, let me see that!" and I show him the page. Then I look at him and I ask,"Did you lie about not going to the class?" and he looks me straight in the face and says "No! I went to the class" and I can just 100% tell by the look on his face and how he's acting that he's lying. And then I'm like "You're lying, aren't you." and finally he breaks down and says "yes." I feel myself just going numb, because this is soooo outside the norm for us. Or at least I thought it was.Let me know re-iterate...I REALLY don't give a shit about the class. It's the lying straight to my face, fabricating stories and then doing it AGAIN when confronted. He starts crying and saying that he felt like he was disappointing me by not going, how he doesn't want to ever disappoint me, etc. At this point, it feels like all our trust is broken. I just feel like I can't trust him if he would lie to me so convincingly about something so small and insignificant. He swears up and down that he's never lied to me like this before, and would NEVER lie about something big (because he couldn't live with himself) but I just don't know what to believe anymore. He has generally low-esteem and difficulty being "himself" in social situations. He's already made an appointment with a therapist. He's been crying all day and having a panic attack. I told him that it just really disturbed me how effortlessly he was able to lie to me, and it really makes me question whether we can have a relationship when my trust has been so shaken.My question: I feel really, really rocked by this, but I'm just trying to gain some perspective about whether I'm too extreme on my reaction to lying, especially in this particular insignificant scenario. We are a very happy couple otherwise, but this has me seriously questioning if I'll ever be able to feel the same about him again.TLDR: Husband made up story and intricate details about having gone to fitness class, when he seemingly had no reason to do so. I'm questioning whether I'm justified in feeling like our trust is broken or totally blowing this out of proportion.