My (42F) fiancé (45M) dislikes and mistreats my son (17M). Is there a way I can fix this?

I am not a gifted writer, so please excuse grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. I have also changed some information for anonymity. I know this is a long post, so I thank anyone who will read this. I really need help.

For some background information, I am a widow. My youngest son and husband died in an awful accident that I do not want to go into. It was four years ago. My oldest son used to be extremely extroverted and loved to be the centre of attention. After the accident, he has grown increasingly withdrawn and even expressed the fact that he wishes he had died instead. He started having panic attacks and was depressed to the point of suicide ideation. I helped him through this, and he and I grew closer. A year ago, he came out as gay and I grossly over-reacted. I said and did some very hurtful things and it put a lot of friction in our close relationship. We come from a very conservative area, and where I grew up was even more so. Around that time, he had a severely abusive boyfriend but he didn't feel he could tell me about it at all. My behaviour around that time was extremely unacceptable and I know that now. We have spent a lot of time trying to repair our relationship, and he says that he forgives me. I try to make sure he knows that I love him unconditionally, and we make sure to keep all our feelings up in the open.

Three years ago, I started dating my fiancé. He is a widower with a son around my son's age. He's extremely kind and intelligent, and he's a self-made man. He makes me feel good all the time, and I'd like to think I make him feel the way. He's someone who I can see as a life partner. He came from similar roots as me and really made something of himself. I didn't introduce him to my son until two years into our relationship, though I told them about each other. I didn't want my son to meet him until I knew were really serious. My son and I's living conditions weren't great where we were living, so we made the decision to move in with my fiancé.

My fiancé's son has welcomed my son and I with open arms. His son is sociable and funny, as well as very talented. He and my son are both interested in music, so they've been bonding over that. His son also has a very nice girlfriend who I've met, and he's introduced my son to some of his friends. My son really hit it off with one of them, and they even text. My son hasn't had many friends in a while, and it's such an improvement. My son was even willing to tell me he has a bit of a crush on my fiancé's son's friend, which just shows how far our relationship has come.

Regardless of all these things, my son is still on the recovery process and has panic attacks and the like. I understand that that won't change for a while.

Everything is exactly how I'd want it to be, save for one thing. My fiancé seems to really dislike my son. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't abuse him or anything like that, but he just doesn't treat him right. He ignores him when they're in the same room together, and makes comments about him being "weird." I get upset at him when he says that, as any mom would, and he says it's just a joke, but it doesn't feel like it. I've told him I don't find it funny, but he says I'm too sensitive and continues to make his comments. He says that he wants my son out of the house when he's eighteen, because he believes that he'll start to recover when he's not being "coddled." He considers the way my son and I discuss our feelings to be an example of said "coddling."

He has stated that he finds it annoying that my son and I have so much time together, and that he wishes it could just be the two of us instead of the three. I want my son to be involved, and I think the more time they'll spend together, the more they'll learn to like each other. My son has told me that my fiancé makes him feel like a burden, and he's become more and more withdrawn. I'm afraid he's starting to go back to the days of not telling me anything. My fiancé tends to yell more than my husband or I did, and my son does not respond well to yelling. My fiancé thinks he's being a crybaby and doesn't realize that he's suffered from trauma. My fiancé also has a problem with my son being gay. He's told me that my son would not be allowed to bring any boyfriends home, and he believes my son being gay comes from my close relationship with him. I think that that's ridiculous, but I've been homophobic in my past too, so I don't think I have any room to judge him. Any time I bring up my issues with my fiancé's behaviour, he points out that he bought him an iPhone and that he "doesn't beat him." I feel like that's a low bar to pass, even as a joke. In my fiancé's defence, my son pushes back pretty hard against him and a lot of people who don't know him well would definitely have a hard time dealing with my son and his meltdowns. Especially those who had such an easy time with a child like his son.

To note, he has made attempts at bonding with my son. My son usually rejects him out-right, and when he doesn't, the whole experience is very awkward for both of them.

I know I'm making him sound like a bad person, but he's not. He can be so kind and generous, and I really do love him. His son is the kindest step-son I could hope for, and I love the way his son gets along with mine.

Obviously, if I have to pick between the two, I'm picking my son. I love my son more than anything. I just really don't want it to come to that. I cried when he asked me to marry him, that was how happy I was. Is there any way I can make this work? Please help me.

TL;DR: My husband and youngest son died. My son was depressed and still has panic attacks afterwards. I've moved in with my fiancé and he believes my son and I are too close. He also has problems with my son's behaviour and sexuality. My son says he feels like a burden and is becoming more withdrawn. I get along very well with my fiancé's son (who gets along with mine in turn), and everything is going very well besides this. Is there a way I can fix this?

Submitted November 25, 2019 at 11:32PM

I am not a gifted writer, so please excuse grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. I have also changed some information for anonymity. I know this is a long post, so I thank anyone who will read this. I really need help.For some background information, I am a widow. My youngest son and husband died in an awful accident that I do not want to go into. It was four years ago. My oldest son used to be extremely extroverted and loved to be the centre of attention. After the accident, he has grown increasingly withdrawn and even expressed the fact that he wishes he had died instead. He started having panic attacks and was depressed to the point of suicide ideation. I helped him through this, and he and I grew closer. A year ago, he came out as gay and I grossly over-reacted. I said and did some very hurtful things and it put a lot of friction in our close relationship. We come from a very conservative area, and where I grew up was even more so. Around that time, he had a severely abusive boyfriend but he didn't feel he could tell me about it at all. My behaviour around that time was extremely unacceptable and I know that now. We have spent a lot of time trying to repair our relationship, and he says that he forgives me. I try to make sure he knows that I love him unconditionally, and we make sure to keep all our feelings up in the open.Three years ago, I started dating my fiancé. He is a widower with a son around my son's age. He's extremely kind and intelligent, and he's a self-made man. He makes me feel good all the time, and I'd like to think I make him feel the way. He's someone who I can see as a life partner. He came from similar roots as me and really made something of himself. I didn't introduce him to my son until two years into our relationship, though I told them about each other. I didn't want my son to meet him until I knew were really serious. My son and I's living conditions weren't great where we were living, so we made the decision to move in with my fiancé.My fiancé's son has welcomed my son and I with open arms. His son is sociable and funny, as well as very talented. He and my son are both interested in music, so they've been bonding over that. His son also has a very nice girlfriend who I've met, and he's introduced my son to some of his friends. My son really hit it off with one of them, and they even text. My son hasn't had many friends in a while, and it's such an improvement. My son was even willing to tell me he has a bit of a crush on my fiancé's son's friend, which just shows how far our relationship has come.Regardless of all these things, my son is still on the recovery process and has panic attacks and the like. I understand that that won't change for a while.Everything is exactly how I'd want it to be, save for one thing. My fiancé seems to really dislike my son. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't abuse him or anything like that, but he just doesn't treat him right. He ignores him when they're in the same room together, and makes comments about him being "weird." I get upset at him when he says that, as any mom would, and he says it's just a joke, but it doesn't feel like it. I've told him I don't find it funny, but he says I'm too sensitive and continues to make his comments. He says that he wants my son out of the house when he's eighteen, because he believes that he'll start to recover when he's not being "coddled." He considers the way my son and I discuss our feelings to be an example of said "coddling."He has stated that he finds it annoying that my son and I have so much time together, and that he wishes it could just be the two of us instead of the three. I want my son to be involved, and I think the more time they'll spend together, the more they'll learn to like each other. My son has told me that my fiancé makes him feel like a burden, and he's become more and more withdrawn. I'm afraid he's starting to go back to the days of not telling me anything. My fiancé tends to yell more than my husband or I did, and my son does not respond well to yelling. My fiancé thinks he's being a crybaby and doesn't realize that he's suffered from trauma. My fiancé also has a problem with my son being gay. He's told me that my son would not be allowed to bring any boyfriends home, and he believes my son being gay comes from my close relationship with him. I think that that's ridiculous, but I've been homophobic in my past too, so I don't think I have any room to judge him. Any time I bring up my issues with my fiancé's behaviour, he points out that he bought him an iPhone and that he "doesn't beat him." I feel like that's a low bar to pass, even as a joke. In my fiancé's defence, my son pushes back pretty hard against him and a lot of people who don't know him well would definitely have a hard time dealing with my son and his meltdowns. Especially those who had such an easy time with a child like his son.To note, he has made attempts at bonding with my son. My son usually rejects him out-right, and when he doesn't, the whole experience is very awkward for both of them.I know I'm making him sound like a bad person, but he's not. He can be so kind and generous, and I really do love him. His son is the kindest step-son I could hope for, and I love the way his son gets along with mine.Obviously, if I have to pick between the two, I'm picking my son. I love my son more than anything. I just really don't want it to come to that. I cried when he asked me to marry him, that was how happy I was. Is there any way I can make this work? Please help me.TL;DR: My husband and youngest son died. My son was depressed and still has panic attacks afterwards. I've moved in with my fiancé and he believes my son and I are too close. He also has problems with my son's behaviour and sexuality. My son says he feels like a burden and is becoming more withdrawn. I get along very well with my fiancé's son (who gets along with mine in turn), and everything is going very well besides this. Is there a way I can fix this?