I'm (23M) having trouble dealing with my Girlfriend's (20F) sexual past

I want to preface this with the fact that we are committed and very happy together. She has never cheated and I don't think she will. We have extremely open communication.

I have been not much of someone to fool around in my life. I've dated a bit, didn't really enjoy it in the past so I haven't been with many people. I tried tinder, went on dates but I never wanted to go on a second. It felt like it really wasn't worth the effort as I didn't feel attracted to the people around me. Then in my final year of university I met her in a society at school and we started dating. For the first time I could honestly say I'm very happy to be with someone and am content in life.

Here's the thing, the first day we met, we were drunk at an event, and before we were together she was in a drunken stupor touting her ex's penis size and how great the sex was. It was a one time thing and it didn't bother me much, everyone has exes and some were better than others. Fast forward 4 months after (after sleeping together and objectively having a great sex life - confirmed by her) and when reminiscing about that night I jokingly said: "You told me a lot about how great your ex and his dick was" and she responded with "ohhh yes it was." That really took a toll on me. I felt like even after feeling really good about pleasing her, she still could just tell me her ex was great. It made me feel like maybe I wasn't doing great at all and it's a lie.

Then fast forward to 7 months in and we get in to talking about our past. I've been in more serious relationships than her, but she has slept with over 60 guys in 5 years including a 1 year monogamous relationship which was before me (No new partners in between.) I'm usually an advocate for sexual freedom and am 100% against slut shaming, but this just broke me for some reason. We immediately spoke about it because she saw that I was visibly shaken and we had an in depth conversation about how it made me feel. She had the same conversation with her ex apparently, so she seemed pretty prepared. We went to bed and things went overall pretty well.

However, over the next couple weeks, I started really feeling depressed. Her statements about her ex's sexual prowess and then her total history started giving me nightmares and have really affected me in ways that (given the fact I'm okay with this kind of things with other people) made me upset about potentially making her uncomfortable about her past.

So we talked again about it, she went much more in depth this time. She explained that her past relationship was awful and that her go to explanation as to why she was still with her ex was: "well the sex was good." But she explained that she didn't really feel satisfied on the emotional level of sex because the relationship was poor, and he was really just a "slight step above using a dildo." As for her other partners, they were mostly hookups (slept together 2-3 times) with the exception of her first and a couple of women she slept with many times. She says, much like her ex, they really were pretty meaningless and can't put a face on a good portion of them. They were mostly in high school, and then about 10 in the first year of university after she moved to Canada (all were hookups in/after leaving the clubs.) She stopped when she got into her last relationship and says she isn't interested in it any more because she didn't find it satisfying enough on an emotional level.

Hearing all this made me feel better because now I'm not really imagining much because there isn't much left for my mind to run wild on. She's being super supportive of me throughout the whole ordeal and reaffirms that, in reality our sex (due to communication during/after sex allowing for more experimentation and her feelings of being safe and loved) is the overall best sex she's had even with so many partners (I'll take it for what it's worth.) I can say I'm actually much more confident in the strength of our communication and our relationship.

However, I still feel upset. Not with her, not about anything she's done. If anything I'm happy she had fun, then chose to settle down with me. But I just feel like something that once mad me feel special, just doesn't anymore. All I can think about are the other men who were able to make her physically satisfied the way that I made her feel. I'm aware that I need to look at the present, that she feels the way about my exes too and that sex is more than just a physical thing in this case. It's just taken a toll on me. I know it's entirely on me and I have to work through these issues, but my girlfriend is starting to feel bad about her past because of my own self esteem issues and this is just further compounding the problem because I want her to know that I don't care about it, I just need to stop thinking about it and move past it (which we've already discussed.)

I'm looking to see a therapist for my issues, but does anyone have their own tips for getting over your ex's past that became overbearing?

TLDR: Girlfriend slept with 60+ guys in 4-5 years and despite the fact it doesn't bother me or affect my love for her, I'm still having troubles not obsessing over it.

Submitted November 26, 2019 at 12:07AM

I want to preface this with the fact that we are committed and very happy together. She has never cheated and I don't think she will. We have extremely open communication.I have been not much of someone to fool around in my life. I've dated a bit, didn't really enjoy it in the past so I haven't been with many people. I tried tinder, went on dates but I never wanted to go on a second. It felt like it really wasn't worth the effort as I didn't feel attracted to the people around me. Then in my final year of university I met her in a society at school and we started dating. For the first time I could honestly say I'm very happy to be with someone and am content in life.Here's the thing, the first day we met, we were drunk at an event, and before we were together she was in a drunken stupor touting her ex's penis size and how great the sex was. It was a one time thing and it didn't bother me much, everyone has exes and some were better than others. Fast forward 4 months after (after sleeping together and objectively having a great sex life - confirmed by her) and when reminiscing about that night I jokingly said: "You told me a lot about how great your ex and his dick was" and she responded with "ohhh yes it was." That really took a toll on me. I felt like even after feeling really good about pleasing her, she still could just tell me her ex was great. It made me feel like maybe I wasn't doing great at all and it's a lie.Then fast forward to 7 months in and we get in to talking about our past. I've been in more serious relationships than her, but she has slept with over 60 guys in 5 years including a 1 year monogamous relationship which was before me (No new partners in between.) I'm usually an advocate for sexual freedom and am 100% against slut shaming, but this just broke me for some reason. We immediately spoke about it because she saw that I was visibly shaken and we had an in depth conversation about how it made me feel. She had the same conversation with her ex apparently, so she seemed pretty prepared. We went to bed and things went overall pretty well.However, over the next couple weeks, I started really feeling depressed. Her statements about her ex's sexual prowess and then her total history started giving me nightmares and have really affected me in ways that (given the fact I'm okay with this kind of things with other people) made me upset about potentially making her uncomfortable about her past.So we talked again about it, she went much more in depth this time. She explained that her past relationship was awful and that her go to explanation as to why she was still with her ex was: "well the sex was good." But she explained that she didn't really feel satisfied on the emotional level of sex because the relationship was poor, and he was really just a "slight step above using a dildo." As for her other partners, they were mostly hookups (slept together 2-3 times) with the exception of her first and a couple of women she slept with many times. She says, much like her ex, they really were pretty meaningless and can't put a face on a good portion of them. They were mostly in high school, and then about 10 in the first year of university after she moved to Canada (all were hookups in/after leaving the clubs.) She stopped when she got into her last relationship and says she isn't interested in it any more because she didn't find it satisfying enough on an emotional level.Hearing all this made me feel better because now I'm not really imagining much because there isn't much left for my mind to run wild on. She's being super supportive of me throughout the whole ordeal and reaffirms that, in reality our sex (due to communication during/after sex allowing for more experimentation and her feelings of being safe and loved) is the overall best sex she's had even with so many partners (I'll take it for what it's worth.) I can say I'm actually much more confident in the strength of our communication and our relationship.However, I still feel upset. Not with her, not about anything she's done. If anything I'm happy she had fun, then chose to settle down with me. But I just feel like something that once mad me feel special, just doesn't anymore. All I can think about are the other men who were able to make her physically satisfied the way that I made her feel. I'm aware that I need to look at the present, that she feels the way about my exes too and that sex is more than just a physical thing in this case. It's just taken a toll on me. I know it's entirely on me and I have to work through these issues, but my girlfriend is starting to feel bad about her past because of my own self esteem issues and this is just further compounding the problem because I want her to know that I don't care about it, I just need to stop thinking about it and move past it (which we've already discussed.)I'm looking to see a therapist for my issues, but does anyone have their own tips for getting over your ex's past that became overbearing?TLDR: Girlfriend slept with 60+ guys in 4-5 years and despite the fact it doesn't bother me or affect my love for her, I'm still having troubles not obsessing over it.