I think my (31f) relationship of 4.5 years is over. I have nothing left in my life, my spirit is dying.

I don't know where to start. I am so lost.

Long, complicated story short: everything in my relationship is really, really good except that the one thing that isn't working is ruining us. My bf (33) has a small child with his ex girlfriend. He sees her every other weekend for a few hours. I am not allowed to join so says his ex. I have asked all these years to meet his daughter and have a relationship with her. I got to meet her once (a year ago).

My bf has been telling me all this time that he's "planning on talking to an attorney" about figuring out a proper custody schedule. Longer story short, it turns out that he's basically just been telling me that to shut me up, I guess. Last night I brought it up for the 80th time and demanded that he tell me why he hasn't talked to an attorney yet and he basically said "I'm hoping that everything will just work itself out soon." By that he meant he hopes that his daughter (who is 5) will be able to tell her mom on her own that she wants to spend time with her dad and then his ex will understand and let her go visit with me involved. I mean, it's hard to type that without dying of embarrassment. There's SO much wrong with that I don't know where to begin.

What this also means (to me) is that he's not ready to plan a future with me. Even though he's been telling me something different all these years, his actions have shown his truth time and time again.

But, and it's a big but, if I leave him I really have nobody and nothing to live for. I'm not suicidal but my existence feels awfully bleak at the moment.

We've done EVERYTHING together for almost 5 years. Seriously, I've been away from him for less than 10 days in our whole relationship. Last year my dad, brother and grandmother died. All my "friends" I made at work quit and moved out of the city (about 4/5 of them). I have no close friends that live near me. I have developed severe TMJD and low back pain this year. I feel physically miserable 80% of the time. I have been diagnosed (again) with depression recently and I deal with panic attacks on a weekly/monthly basis. I quite literally fear that if I had to also come home to an empty apartment that I would have a mental breakdown.

I know this sounds like a pity party, but jesus, at what point do things get better? How much can one person take? I need a break from life.

I have no one to talk to except him. He has been there for me through everything. There are countless amazing things about him. He makes me laugh like no one else. He cooks for me all the time. He's incredibly handsome and insightful and understanding and encouraging and so fucking patient with me. But if he doesn't want to marry me, commit to me, tell me I'm his everything..what's the point in staying?

We are going on vacation next week, everything is paid for. Things are weird right now. Do I leave and start over in my 30s and risk regretting it and cause myself even more pain and suffering for the next years to come. Or do I let go of my ego and give up that idea of what I want our relationship to look like (marriage, a house, a relationship with his daughter, a future) and just love it for what it is.

I know I'm dramatic, but things are really, really fucking dark right now.

TLDR; BF of 4.5 years wont commit to his daughter/me/a future with me. I'm not sure what the point is in staying but if I leave I have nothing in my life. Worried I legitimately cannot handle any more pain and suffering than I already am in right now after losing 3 family members and dealing with daily chronic pain. I'm panicking.

Submitted November 25, 2019 at 11:38PM

I don't know where to start. I am so lost.Long, complicated story short: everything in my relationship is really, really good except that the one thing that isn't working is ruining us. My bf (33) has a small child with his ex girlfriend. He sees her every other weekend for a few hours. I am not allowed to join so says his ex. I have asked all these years to meet his daughter and have a relationship with her. I got to meet her once (a year ago).My bf has been telling me all this time that he's "planning on talking to an attorney" about figuring out a proper custody schedule. Longer story short, it turns out that he's basically just been telling me that to shut me up, I guess. Last night I brought it up for the 80th time and demanded that he tell me why he hasn't talked to an attorney yet and he basically said "I'm hoping that everything will just work itself out soon." By that he meant he hopes that his daughter (who is 5) will be able to tell her mom on her own that she wants to spend time with her dad and then his ex will understand and let her go visit with me involved. I mean, it's hard to type that without dying of embarrassment. There's SO much wrong with that I don't know where to begin.What this also means (to me) is that he's not ready to plan a future with me. Even though he's been telling me something different all these years, his actions have shown his truth time and time again.But, and it's a big but, if I leave him I really have nobody and nothing to live for. I'm not suicidal but my existence feels awfully bleak at the moment.We've done EVERYTHING together for almost 5 years. Seriously, I've been away from him for less than 10 days in our whole relationship. Last year my dad, brother and grandmother died. All my "friends" I made at work quit and moved out of the city (about 4/5 of them). I have no close friends that live near me. I have developed severe TMJD and low back pain this year. I feel physically miserable 80% of the time. I have been diagnosed (again) with depression recently and I deal with panic attacks on a weekly/monthly basis. I quite literally fear that if I had to also come home to an empty apartment that I would have a mental breakdown.I know this sounds like a pity party, but jesus, at what point do things get better? How much can one person take? I need a break from life.I have no one to talk to except him. He has been there for me through everything. There are countless amazing things about him. He makes me laugh like no one else. He cooks for me all the time. He's incredibly handsome and insightful and understanding and encouraging and so fucking patient with me. But if he doesn't want to marry me, commit to me, tell me I'm his everything..what's the point in staying?We are going on vacation next week, everything is paid for. Things are weird right now. Do I leave and start over in my 30s and risk regretting it and cause myself even more pain and suffering for the next years to come. Or do I let go of my ego and give up that idea of what I want our relationship to look like (marriage, a house, a relationship with his daughter, a future) and just love it for what it is.I know I'm dramatic, but things are really, really fucking dark right now.TLDR; BF of 4.5 years wont commit to his daughter/me/a future with me. I'm not sure what the point is in staying but if I leave I have nothing in my life. Worried I legitimately cannot handle any more pain and suffering than I already am in right now after losing 3 family members and dealing with daily chronic pain. I'm panicking.