My long term partner has become a freeloader.

I (39M) have been with my partner (43M) for almost 11 years. He owned and ran a successful business until about two years ago which he sold due to stress. He planned to start a new career, but instead he just works a few hours a week doing massage. It’s inconsistent. Sometimes he can contribute financially sometimes he can’t. More and more I’ve had to handle the financial responsibilities.

We’ve talked about how much stress it puts on me. He says he’ll find other work but it never happens. To make things worse he still spends like he used to. He can’t pay the bills but that doesn’t stop him from ordering a new iPhone every year or getting lunch at expensive restaurants or going out drinking with friends. My phone is 4 years old. I drive a beat up old car with 200k mikes on it while he has the newer one. I take lunch to work every day to save money. I make a lot of sacrifices.

On top of all this he doesn’t help out around the house. He likes cooking so he does that (when he feels like it). He’s an excellent cook, and he’ll do yard work sometimes. We have a cleaning lady come every other week to do the deep cleaning. But I have to do everything else. It’s exhausting, I work on my feet for 8-9 hours. When I get home he’s drinking already and the kitchen’s a mess. The garbage is piling up and all he’s been doing is sitting around watching tv all day.

I truly, deeply love him. He’s kind and compassionate. He’s outgoing and charming. Our sex life is fantastic. My friends and family love him and I love his parents and family. I’m happy with him in so many ways. But anytime I try to encourage him to find more work he says I’m putting too much pressure on him and that’s only going to make him take longer.

He’s incredibly stubborn. And he’s battling depression. He tells me he thinks about leaving me because I deserve better. I try to be understanding. I’ve dealt with depression myself. But I can’t keep making sacrifices to pick up the slack for him. I’m not reaching my financial goals. And I’m not making time to pursue my hobbies. I don’t want our relationship to end. I’ve tried to get him to go to a couples counselor but he won’t do that either. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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TL;DR - My parter of 11 years has been a freeloader for two years. He works a little but refuses to find a better paying job. He also doesn’t help around the house much. I love him and don’t want the relationship to end, but I’m getting close to the breaking point.

Submitted September 18, 2019 at 11:58PM

I (39M) have been with my partner (43M) for almost 11 years. He owned and ran a successful business until about two years ago which he sold due to stress. He planned to start a new career, but instead he just works a few hours a week doing massage. It’s inconsistent. Sometimes he can contribute financially sometimes he can’t. More and more I’ve had to handle the financial responsibilities.We’ve talked about how much stress it puts on me. He says he’ll find other work but it never happens. To make things worse he still spends like he used to. He can’t pay the bills but that doesn’t stop him from ordering a new iPhone every year or getting lunch at expensive restaurants or going out drinking with friends. My phone is 4 years old. I drive a beat up old car with 200k mikes on it while he has the newer one. I take lunch to work every day to save money. I make a lot of sacrifices.On top of all this he doesn’t help out around the house. He likes cooking so he does that (when he feels like it). He’s an excellent cook, and he’ll do yard work sometimes. We have a cleaning lady come every other week to do the deep cleaning. But I have to do everything else. It’s exhausting, I work on my feet for 8-9 hours. When I get home he’s drinking already and the kitchen’s a mess. The garbage is piling up and all he’s been doing is sitting around watching tv all day.I truly, deeply love him. He’s kind and compassionate. He’s outgoing and charming. Our sex life is fantastic. My friends and family love him and I love his parents and family. I’m happy with him in so many ways. But anytime I try to encourage him to find more work he says I’m putting too much pressure on him and that’s only going to make him take longer.He’s incredibly stubborn. And he’s battling depression. He tells me he thinks about leaving me because I deserve better. I try to be understanding. I’ve dealt with depression myself. But I can’t keep making sacrifices to pick up the slack for him. I’m not reaching my financial goals. And I’m not making time to pursue my hobbies. I don’t want our relationship to end. I’ve tried to get him to go to a couples counselor but he won’t do that either. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this. Any help would be greatly appreciated.——————————-TL;DR - My parter of 11 years has been a freeloader for two years. He works a little but refuses to find a better paying job. He also doesn’t help around the house much. I love him and don’t want the relationship to end, but I’m getting close to the breaking point.