My [28F] husband [34M] doesn't feel like he gets to make any major decisions. Is that true? How can I change it?

This has been somewhat of a talking point for a while. Together 4 years, married 3, have a 2yo.

When we started dating, he owned his own home and had a car.

Today, we just bought another house and his credit isn't good enough, and he doesn't make enough, to have added him to the mortgage. I'm the sole mortgagee, but we'll both be on the deed when we close.

My lease ended, and we traded it his car in for a minivan. I financed it on my own, for the same reason as above. We will be buying another car in the near future, but for now it's just the one since we're moving across country.

We finally found where we both wanted to move, both sacrificing about the same for location (he wanted rural mountains, I wanted urban something, we settled on a nice small town). I would never move where we're moving if it were just me, and we're moving to be closer to his family, but he wanted a rural property out of town with a large lot. We ended up with a house in town, with a tiny lot. Waking distance, close to parks and hiking trails, good schools. Things that technically both of us wanted (hiking trails is 90% him though). I thought it was a great compromise.

He wanted a Doberman, I wanted a family dog. We got a family dog.

He now feels like he has no car, no house, and no decision making. I understand that, but I feel like the above decisions were made with both his input, his approval, and with the overall necessity--it's not like we could have a gotten a joint mortgage with a better rate with no additional income and a lower credit score. Who even cares who's on the mortgage paperwork?

I'm sure a lot of this is just because he feels... inadequate? Maybe is the word? For not being able to provide what he feels like he needs to. But we're fine. I can afford all of this stuff, he's obviously helping otherwise and a great partner and a great father.

What can I do to make clear that I value his input? Or is there something else?

For what it's worth, if I were a stay at home mom, we still would've gotten that minivan and that particular house. I don't feel like he doesn't listen to my needs, but it seems like he feels that I don't listen to his.

Tl;Dr husband traded his car for a minivan for the family, and sold his house for a house that we bought as a compromise to what we both wanted. He feels like I make all of the decisions, at least in part because I qualify us for all of the financing at this time.

Submitted September 19, 2019 at 12:04AM

This has been somewhat of a talking point for a while. Together 4 years, married 3, have a 2yo.When we started dating, he owned his own home and had a car.Today, we just bought another house and his credit isn't good enough, and he doesn't make enough, to have added him to the mortgage. I'm the sole mortgagee, but we'll both be on the deed when we close.My lease ended, and we traded it his car in for a minivan. I financed it on my own, for the same reason as above. We will be buying another car in the near future, but for now it's just the one since we're moving across country.We finally found where we both wanted to move, both sacrificing about the same for location (he wanted rural mountains, I wanted urban something, we settled on a nice small town). I would never move where we're moving if it were just me, and we're moving to be closer to his family, but he wanted a rural property out of town with a large lot. We ended up with a house in town, with a tiny lot. Waking distance, close to parks and hiking trails, good schools. Things that technically both of us wanted (hiking trails is 90% him though). I thought it was a great compromise.He wanted a Doberman, I wanted a family dog. We got a family dog.He now feels like he has no car, no house, and no decision making. I understand that, but I feel like the above decisions were made with both his input, his approval, and with the overall necessity--it's not like we could have a gotten a joint mortgage with a better rate with no additional income and a lower credit score. Who even cares who's on the mortgage paperwork?I'm sure a lot of this is just because he feels... inadequate? Maybe is the word? For not being able to provide what he feels like he needs to. But we're fine. I can afford all of this stuff, he's obviously helping otherwise and a great partner and a great father.What can I do to make clear that I value his input? Or is there something else?For what it's worth, if I were a stay at home mom, we still would've gotten that minivan and that particular house. I don't feel like he doesn't listen to my needs, but it seems like he feels that I don't listen to his.Tl;Dr husband traded his car for a minivan for the family, and sold his house for a house that we bought as a compromise to what we both wanted. He feels like I make all of the decisions, at least in part because I qualify us for all of the financing at this time.