Help to move on after 12 years, back in the reality

Sorry if this is not the correct subreddit, and for the many English mistakes I'll probably make, but right now, I just really need to write it all down to whoever will land here, and let it out of my heart.

So long story long, I (25M) met this girl way back at a sport lesson. I was 13, she was 12, and I fell in love immediately, she had amazingly blue/greyish eyes, with brown curly hairs, freckles and the warmest smile I ever saw (okay I'm probably idealizing her, but you get the picture). We practiced the same sport, both had great grades in math, and many others common points. So we get closer, both are participating to the same sport's camps, and so on, and spend most of that time together, always having a good laugh. A 14 y.o. confident me (ya kidding, I was pissing myself...) ask her out. "Hum I don't know, we're really great and close friends, I wouldn't want to loose you". Shit, things are awkward for a few days/week, but we rapidly forgot my attempt and get back to being great friends.

Fast forward few months, we start having a discussion about love: her: "Yeah there is some I love". Me: "Oh, do I know him?". H: "actually yes, he playing the sport in *** (my own club)", M: *holy shit, did she change her mind? It's me?!* "Aha want to give me the first letter?". Her: "Okay, don't tell him, it's #" *proceeds to spell my best friend's name*... Okay huge disappointment, but whatever, I kinda help her tell him, and they ended up together. Yes it was painful to watch them together, and I was jealous of him, but at least she was happy, for the 3 months their relation lasted.

I was here to console her, and continue spending time together, I'm still crazy about her. One day, when we were 18ish, we go to dinner to that restaurant close to school, where we were often going to take a drink. After the food is finish, we stay at the table, I don't really know how, when, who, but we end up holding our hands on the table, and that lasts until the waiters come and ask us to leave because they had already finished cleaning all the others tables. The following day, we speak about others things by text, but then a sudden "we actually need to talk about what happened yesterday" with a tone really strange for her, not usual. I got scared, and think to myself that I don't want her to reject me again, so I kinda brush it aside, mostly answer her others texts, and never speak about that night again (Yes I'm a coward, Yes I fucked up big time, Yes I still hate myself about this decision. When you arrive here, you're legally allowed to insult me, assuming someone did read up to that place^^).

Years pass, still close, I spend 6 months overseas to learn English, we still speak daily and she even change her sleeping schedules to match more easily mine. Many students are there "to have fun", but I even refused that really beautiful Mexican girl's advances, I was determined to ask her again when I get back, before I would move to another city for studies. She's surprised and ask me to let her time to think about it, because she wants to be sure about her answer, well okay. 2 weeks later, when I'm already in my new uni, I receive a text with her answer, it's a "complicatedly worded no" again.

I'm now 25, we are discussing less and less for the last 1.5 years, both studying in different city, and "officially" I'm over for a while, I don't think about her at all. But in my heart, I still love her, nobody knows. For me, her "no" were never definitive, maybe they actually were but I forced myself to understand them as not, but I always felt like she was hesitating, and she's now 24, and never had a boyfriend again since that time at 14, even if I assume she would be quite popular, that's why I always kept hope. When thinking about my plans/dreams/future, everything is vague, I don't even really have a dream job, but one thing has always been clear, for the last 13 years of my life, it is that I take her in my arms, touch her head with mine and smile while thinking how it took us time to finally be together.

The cruel reality now. I saw her again last week-end at a random sport game, by luck, after quite some time not seeing us. We discussed immediately a lot, had a good time. It reminds me why I still keep hope to finally finish together. 3h ago, I was planning to ask her to go grab a coffee one day, when I realize she finally changed her profile picture. It's a selfie with a guy she's kissing.

Yes, the dream is over, man does it hurt. Yes we weren't even together, so it's not like she broke up with me. But all my future, the only thing I was sure it was my goal, THE thing I was aiming to be in 20 years, at her side, just disappeared. SO here am I, at 3 am in my bed, wondering what to do know? Well, just move on, I know, it's finally time to accept that we weren't meant to be together (just writing it hurts, not gonna lie). Here am I, wondering why did I woke up for, these last 13 years? And what will I wake up for, tomorrow morning?

Any advice how to move on? Yes this sounds like a generic question, but the fact of writing it helped me. Thanks in advance.

TLDR: I've been in love with that girl for the last 13 years, more than half my life. She always told me no, but I always convinced myself it was "non-definitive no", so I kept hope, and my only dream/future plan was being together with her. Today, I saw a picture of her with her boyfriend, for the first time, stopping cleanly all my imagination where we would eventually end up together.

Submitted September 18, 2019 at 11:55PM

Sorry if this is not the correct subreddit, and for the many English mistakes I'll probably make, but right now, I just really need to write it all down to whoever will land here, and let it out of my heart.So long story long, I (25M) met this girl way back at a sport lesson. I was 13, she was 12, and I fell in love immediately, she had amazingly blue/greyish eyes, with brown curly hairs, freckles and the warmest smile I ever saw (okay I'm probably idealizing her, but you get the picture). We practiced the same sport, both had great grades in math, and many others common points. So we get closer, both are participating to the same sport's camps, and so on, and spend most of that time together, always having a good laugh. A 14 y.o. confident me (ya kidding, I was pissing myself...) ask her out. "Hum I don't know, we're really great and close friends, I wouldn't want to loose you". Shit, things are awkward for a few days/week, but we rapidly forgot my attempt and get back to being great friends.Fast forward few months, we start having a discussion about love: her: "Yeah there is some I love". Me: "Oh, do I know him?". H: "actually yes, he playing the sport in *** (my own club)", M: *holy shit, did she change her mind? It's me?!* "Aha want to give me the first letter?". Her: "Okay, don't tell him, it's #" *proceeds to spell my best friend's name*... Okay huge disappointment, but whatever, I kinda help her tell him, and they ended up together. Yes it was painful to watch them together, and I was jealous of him, but at least she was happy, for the 3 months their relation lasted.I was here to console her, and continue spending time together, I'm still crazy about her. One day, when we were 18ish, we go to dinner to that restaurant close to school, where we were often going to take a drink. After the food is finish, we stay at the table, I don't really know how, when, who, but we end up holding our hands on the table, and that lasts until the waiters come and ask us to leave because they had already finished cleaning all the others tables. The following day, we speak about others things by text, but then a sudden "we actually need to talk about what happened yesterday" with a tone really strange for her, not usual. I got scared, and think to myself that I don't want her to reject me again, so I kinda brush it aside, mostly answer her others texts, and never speak about that night again (Yes I'm a coward, Yes I fucked up big time, Yes I still hate myself about this decision. When you arrive here, you're legally allowed to insult me, assuming someone did read up to that place^^).Years pass, still close, I spend 6 months overseas to learn English, we still speak daily and she even change her sleeping schedules to match more easily mine. Many students are there "to have fun", but I even refused that really beautiful Mexican girl's advances, I was determined to ask her again when I get back, before I would move to another city for studies. She's surprised and ask me to let her time to think about it, because she wants to be sure about her answer, well okay. 2 weeks later, when I'm already in my new uni, I receive a text with her answer, it's a "complicatedly worded no" again.I'm now 25, we are discussing less and less for the last 1.5 years, both studying in different city, and "officially" I'm over for a while, I don't think about her at all. But in my heart, I still love her, nobody knows. For me, her "no" were never definitive, maybe they actually were but I forced myself to understand them as not, but I always felt like she was hesitating, and she's now 24, and never had a boyfriend again since that time at 14, even if I assume she would be quite popular, that's why I always kept hope. When thinking about my plans/dreams/future, everything is vague, I don't even really have a dream job, but one thing has always been clear, for the last 13 years of my life, it is that I take her in my arms, touch her head with mine and smile while thinking how it took us time to finally be together.The cruel reality now. I saw her again last week-end at a random sport game, by luck, after quite some time not seeing us. We discussed immediately a lot, had a good time. It reminds me why I still keep hope to finally finish together. 3h ago, I was planning to ask her to go grab a coffee one day, when I realize she finally changed her profile picture. It's a selfie with a guy she's kissing.Yes, the dream is over, man does it hurt. Yes we weren't even together, so it's not like she broke up with me. But all my future, the only thing I was sure it was my goal, THE thing I was aiming to be in 20 years, at her side, just disappeared. SO here am I, at 3 am in my bed, wondering what to do know? Well, just move on, I know, it's finally time to accept that we weren't meant to be together (just writing it hurts, not gonna lie). Here am I, wondering why did I woke up for, these last 13 years? And what will I wake up for, tomorrow morning?Any advice how to move on? Yes this sounds like a generic question, but the fact of writing it helped me. Thanks in advance.TLDR: I've been in love with that girl for the last 13 years, more than half my life. She always told me no, but I always convinced myself it was "non-definitive no", so I kept hope, and my only dream/future plan was being together with her. Today, I saw a picture of her with her boyfriend, for the first time, stopping cleanly all my imagination where we would eventually end up together.