What the hell is going on with me [23 M] and my ex [21 M] on Birthright? [LONG]

Context: Me and my ex were together for a year. He's in my fraternity (this was a mistake, looking back). I told him we needed a break in mid March, because we both needed to work on some stuff (My insecurity can keep me from doing stuff, for instance). A few weeks later, before spring break, he asks me to sleep over, and I do, and then a day or two later he kisses me before leaving for the airport. This has me thinking "alright, things are good, we're just working on stuff but we're okay." He goes to a rave, and then home, for spring break. Some more context: his mom has stage three breast cancer, he hasn't seen her since before the diagnosis and before the treatment began, so I'm sure that's a big part of what's coming up, but...

He comes back from spring break a complete 180. We're done. But we're not? Won't really tell me why. I try talking to him about this probably too many times, but eventually he says that he just needs some time. So I give him time. I'm gone for about three weeks. I skip fraternity events and I basically only see him in passing or when I'm doing my job running meetings (I was president at the time). However, during these weeks, I hear more and more about how he's hanging out with this other guy G that came up a few times when we were together (it was an open relationship, but he told me a couple of times "oh G came over but nothing happened" which was weird)

After three and a half weeks of not seeing me and not talking to me, we both see each other at Formal (frat prom, basically). He insists that we interact during this, so I oblige, but I try talking to him about our relation (maybe this was a mistake?) and he really doesn't say anything clear about it. He says "I haven't seen you in three weeks" and some other stuff. I tear up a bit and he wipes away a tear in that saccharine romantic way where he holds my face for a bit and uses his thumb. He says "I should be prioritizing you."

Super weird. Anyway, a few days later I blow up at him because I don't understand what's going on. My mistake. I panic later and I'm basically a mess for a few days because of guilt, the fact that I had been on a month long bender of drugs and alcohol to cope with all the stress in my life, and also I have borderline personality disorder (should have mentioned this earlier) but it's normally something I have a decent handle on because of therapy and medication.

After the blowup, I end up giving him even more space, especially because I also needed it. I avoid talking to him, avoid seeing him, just because I figure...that's what's best, right? It's what he wants? Apparently not. He goes away to Las Vegas for almost a week to celebrate his 21st birthday as well as to go to EDC (basically a huge edm festival). He texts me about something cool that happens to him, and then again a day later as a follow up, and I'm kind of nervous about talking to him so I don't respond for a couple of days and all I say is "I'm glad you're having a good time." A few days after he comes home from his trip to Vegas, I'm at the frat house (he lives there) hanging out with some other people when he comes home...from hanging out with G and some other people. I'm kinda skeeved out so I don't really say hi to him. An hour or two later, he blows up at me for not responding to his texts and not wishing him a happy birthday and I'm just so confused because I thought we were done...

Anyway, I try talking to him about it a couple of days later, he says he loves me and wants to hold me, and that a small part of him still wants to be with me. Erghhh.

Two days later, I try calling him to talk about Birthright. For those who don't know, Birthright is a ten day trip in Israel for Jewish youth. We're both on the same trip...I wanted to establish some boundaries because I don't know how I feel about being around him given the turbulence and weirdness of how our relationship ... ended? I don't know.

The conversation immediately turns into a fight. He took it there, but I followed him, which was my mistake. He says we're done, that I made him change his mind, all this other stuff, it wasn't pleasant. But ... okay. We're done. A couple of days later, I talk to him again, same tune, we're done, etc. I bring up G, and he says they're "not really a thing" and that it'll "probably stay that way," but that he "cares about" me "100 times more" than G anyway. Weird, I don't get this, but okay.

I don't talk to him for several weeks. Birthright happens. I completely avoid him. He tries talking to me a few times in the first two days and I literally just walk away without saying anything. What else can I do? I'm heartbroken and can't deal with him without compromising my happiness on the trip.

I notice he unblocked me on grindr and then reblocked me a bit later, so I approach him to ask what's going on, because that's some shady shit in the gay world. He immediately blows up at me, says he's hurt that I'm not talking to him, that we're "in the country that brought us together in the first place," all this shit. I tell him I'm sorry, that I don't hate him, but I just don't know how to deal with the situation and I'd rather just avoid him. He says some cruel shit about me, says I need to change a lot about myself. I tell him I'm trying, that I've been going to therapy to work on my insecurity and my issue with getting too heated in political arguments, and he says "well it's too late." And I tell him I know...I know we're done...and he just grinds it in more. He asks me "What can I do?" and he's tearing up a bit. I just tell him that there's nothing he can do, that I'm hurt by the breakup, and that he's not obligated to be with me, but I am hurt, and it's something I have to deal with. It's on me. He just stays angry. He tries to use it against me that he cares about me so much, like he's really heavy on this, and he brings up something he did for me without my knowledge on the first day, which is just weird...Anyway, I tell him that I don't hate him, that this isn't about him, but he just walks off in an angry huff.

I keep on avoiding him for the rest of the trip, but I hear from some people that he's really hurt that I've been completely avoiding him. I don't want him hurting, so I open up to him on the second to last day, but it's just more of this anger and pain from him. He says he "wanted us to experience Israel together," he says it hurts that we haven't taken any photos together, all this shit. And like a sucker I just start crying and I tell him I'm sorry over and over and that I wanted to be with him on the trip but I couldn't, and I don't understand our relationship anymore and I don't know where we're going, and he's angry and he just wants me to leave.

Later that day I try talking to him about our relationship which was stupid because it has never worked with him in the past and he just gets angry again. I tell him he can't expect us to spend time together if he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and he gets angry and says he can. It's just a shitshow. There's some other small shit that happens later when I try to force a conversation again (this is again my mistake, and something I need to work on because it clearly fucked things up between me and him), which amounts to how I've been too much of a mess for him to even be interested in this point. Hurtful.

My question is: What the fuck is going on? He's been all over the place ever since he got back from spring break. Why did he have these expectations for us on birthright? We didn't even talk about birthright when we were together. Why is he so hurt and angry over me avoiding him? Am I supposed to amplify the heartbreak I'm feeling on my first experience outside the US, ruining the trip for me and possibly him?

tl;dr my recent ex gets angry and sad that I completely avoid him on a ten day program in a foreign country, says a bunch of weird romantic(?) butthurt girlfriend shit

Submitted June 24, 2019 at 12:17AM

Context: Me and my ex were together for a year. He's in my fraternity (this was a mistake, looking back). I told him we needed a break in mid March, because we both needed to work on some stuff (My insecurity can keep me from doing stuff, for instance). A few weeks later, before spring break, he asks me to sleep over, and I do, and then a day or two later he kisses me before leaving for the airport. This has me thinking "alright, things are good, we're just working on stuff but we're okay." He goes to a rave, and then home, for spring break. Some more context: his mom has stage three breast cancer, he hasn't seen her since before the diagnosis and before the treatment began, so I'm sure that's a big part of what's coming up, but...He comes back from spring break a complete 180. We're done. But we're not? Won't really tell me why. I try talking to him about this probably too many times, but eventually he says that he just needs some time. So I give him time. I'm gone for about three weeks. I skip fraternity events and I basically only see him in passing or when I'm doing my job running meetings (I was president at the time). However, during these weeks, I hear more and more about how he's hanging out with this other guy G that came up a few times when we were together (it was an open relationship, but he told me a couple of times "oh G came over but nothing happened" which was weird)After three and a half weeks of not seeing me and not talking to me, we both see each other at Formal (frat prom, basically). He insists that we interact during this, so I oblige, but I try talking to him about our relation (maybe this was a mistake?) and he really doesn't say anything clear about it. He says "I haven't seen you in three weeks" and some other stuff. I tear up a bit and he wipes away a tear in that saccharine romantic way where he holds my face for a bit and uses his thumb. He says "I should be prioritizing you."Super weird. Anyway, a few days later I blow up at him because I don't understand what's going on. My mistake. I panic later and I'm basically a mess for a few days because of guilt, the fact that I had been on a month long bender of drugs and alcohol to cope with all the stress in my life, and also I have borderline personality disorder (should have mentioned this earlier) but it's normally something I have a decent handle on because of therapy and medication.After the blowup, I end up giving him even more space, especially because I also needed it. I avoid talking to him, avoid seeing him, just because I figure...that's what's best, right? It's what he wants? Apparently not. He goes away to Las Vegas for almost a week to celebrate his 21st birthday as well as to go to EDC (basically a huge edm festival). He texts me about something cool that happens to him, and then again a day later as a follow up, and I'm kind of nervous about talking to him so I don't respond for a couple of days and all I say is "I'm glad you're having a good time." A few days after he comes home from his trip to Vegas, I'm at the frat house (he lives there) hanging out with some other people when he comes home...from hanging out with G and some other people. I'm kinda skeeved out so I don't really say hi to him. An hour or two later, he blows up at me for not responding to his texts and not wishing him a happy birthday and I'm just so confused because I thought we were done...Anyway, I try talking to him about it a couple of days later, he says he loves me and wants to hold me, and that a small part of him still wants to be with me. Erghhh.Two days later, I try calling him to talk about Birthright. For those who don't know, Birthright is a ten day trip in Israel for Jewish youth. We're both on the same trip...I wanted to establish some boundaries because I don't know how I feel about being around him given the turbulence and weirdness of how our relationship ... ended? I don't know.The conversation immediately turns into a fight. He took it there, but I followed him, which was my mistake. He says we're done, that I made him change his mind, all this other stuff, it wasn't pleasant. But ... okay. We're done. A couple of days later, I talk to him again, same tune, we're done, etc. I bring up G, and he says they're "not really a thing" and that it'll "probably stay that way," but that he "cares about" me "100 times more" than G anyway. Weird, I don't get this, but okay.I don't talk to him for several weeks. Birthright happens. I completely avoid him. He tries talking to me a few times in the first two days and I literally just walk away without saying anything. What else can I do? I'm heartbroken and can't deal with him without compromising my happiness on the trip.I notice he unblocked me on grindr and then reblocked me a bit later, so I approach him to ask what's going on, because that's some shady shit in the gay world. He immediately blows up at me, says he's hurt that I'm not talking to him, that we're "in the country that brought us together in the first place," all this shit. I tell him I'm sorry, that I don't hate him, but I just don't know how to deal with the situation and I'd rather just avoid him. He says some cruel shit about me, says I need to change a lot about myself. I tell him I'm trying, that I've been going to therapy to work on my insecurity and my issue with getting too heated in political arguments, and he says "well it's too late." And I tell him I know...I know we're done...and he just grinds it in more. He asks me "What can I do?" and he's tearing up a bit. I just tell him that there's nothing he can do, that I'm hurt by the breakup, and that he's not obligated to be with me, but I am hurt, and it's something I have to deal with. It's on me. He just stays angry. He tries to use it against me that he cares about me so much, like he's really heavy on this, and he brings up something he did for me without my knowledge on the first day, which is just weird...Anyway, I tell him that I don't hate him, that this isn't about him, but he just walks off in an angry huff.I keep on avoiding him for the rest of the trip, but I hear from some people that he's really hurt that I've been completely avoiding him. I don't want him hurting, so I open up to him on the second to last day, but it's just more of this anger and pain from him. He says he "wanted us to experience Israel together," he says it hurts that we haven't taken any photos together, all this shit. And like a sucker I just start crying and I tell him I'm sorry over and over and that I wanted to be with him on the trip but I couldn't, and I don't understand our relationship anymore and I don't know where we're going, and he's angry and he just wants me to leave.Later that day I try talking to him about our relationship which was stupid because it has never worked with him in the past and he just gets angry again. I tell him he can't expect us to spend time together if he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and he gets angry and says he can. It's just a shitshow. There's some other small shit that happens later when I try to force a conversation again (this is again my mistake, and something I need to work on because it clearly fucked things up between me and him), which amounts to how I've been too much of a mess for him to even be interested in this point. Hurtful.My question is: What the fuck is going on? He's been all over the place ever since he got back from spring break. Why did he have these expectations for us on birthright? We didn't even talk about birthright when we were together. Why is he so hurt and angry over me avoiding him? Am I supposed to amplify the heartbreak I'm feeling on my first experience outside the US, ruining the trip for me and possibly him?tl;dr my recent ex gets angry and sad that I completely avoid him on a ten day program in a foreign country, says a bunch of weird romantic(?) butthurt girlfriend shit