I [28F] sometimes have big fights with family over important things. They often end unresolved. But they still act like everything is okay between us. But I feel friction. Is there a term for this so I can call it out?

I can be a very passionate person. I have strong beliefs about a lot of things. My family, it turns out, have wildly different views from me. So, sometimes we get into fights about things that are important to me. I won't go into too much detail, because really it's beyond the scope of my question and I don't want debate over them. Generally, however, they fall into one of the following 3 groups:

• They don't approve of my actions or choices. Despite the fact that I work full-time and have been living independently for years.
• They treat me in a way that upsets and hurts me. When I ask them not to, they respond with with excuses and blame. Often tied to a non-apology.
• In the past, they did something to me or acted or behaved in a certain way that I was really uncomfortable with. It made a lasting effect on me and took a long time for me to process and come to terms with. Sometimes these come up in conversation, so I raise the issue, and they always counter with inconsistent claims and basically telling me I'm crazy and remembering things incorrectly.

Of course, these arguments never go anywhere. My family are narcissists: they always think their opinions are correct and they can't have ever done anything wrong. They play with words, and jump topics and write long-winded messages or give long speeches. And because they all disagree with me, they insist it means I'm the one who's at fault, often implying I'm crazy.

I on the other hand have spent a lot of time developing my self-esteem and confidence. So now, I won't give up on ever defending my individual rights, and have the strength to enforce my right to determine what happens and is done to me as an individual.

So... Unstoppable force meets immovable object.

The fights never end with any conclusion. They last days, sometimes weeks, and occasionally months. And they just fizzle out.

So, obviously I'm upset with them. And I'm pretty sure they're upset with me.

But skip forward, and they're messaging me about something. Almost as though they had completely forgotten that we were fighting. There's so much tension there and I'm not okay with it.

The few times I've said I'm not okay and raised the unresolved issue I've been accused of being resentful and unforgiving and that I should be moving on instead of holding a grudge.

So...

I know they're gaslighting me. Everything points towards that.

But is there a more specific term or phrase I can use to refer to it? So that when they do it, and I say things aren't okay, I can actually put a label to what and why? Maybe something I can use to look up further advice?

Thanks in advance

TL;DR; : Family act like we haven't been fighting. They pretend as though everything is normal, and accuse me of being unreasonable if I point it out. I want to be able to call it out, understand, and find solutions to this behaviour. Is there a more specific phrase than "gaslighting" for it?

Submitted June 24, 2019 at 12:01AM

I can be a very passionate person. I have strong beliefs about a lot of things. My family, it turns out, have wildly different views from me. So, sometimes we get into fights about things that are important to me. I won't go into too much detail, because really it's beyond the scope of my question and I don't want debate over them. Generally, however, they fall into one of the following 3 groups:They don't approve of my actions or choices. Despite the fact that I work full-time and have been living independently for years.They treat me in a way that upsets and hurts me. When I ask them not to, they respond with with excuses and blame. Often tied to a non-apology.In the past, they did something to me or acted or behaved in a certain way that I was really uncomfortable with. It made a lasting effect on me and took a long time for me to process and come to terms with. Sometimes these come up in conversation, so I raise the issue, and they always counter with inconsistent claims and basically telling me I'm crazy and remembering things incorrectly.Of course, these arguments never go anywhere. My family are narcissists: they always think their opinions are correct and they can't have ever done anything wrong. They play with words, and jump topics and write long-winded messages or give long speeches. And because they all disagree with me, they insist it means I'm the one who's at fault, often implying I'm crazy.I on the other hand have spent a lot of time developing my self-esteem and confidence. So now, I won't give up on ever defending my individual rights, and have the strength to enforce my right to determine what happens and is done to me as an individual.So... Unstoppable force meets immovable object.The fights never end with any conclusion. They last days, sometimes weeks, and occasionally months. And they just fizzle out.So, obviously I'm upset with them. And I'm pretty sure they're upset with me.But skip forward, and they're messaging me about something. Almost as though they had completely forgotten that we were fighting. There's so much tension there and I'm not okay with it.The few times I've said I'm not okay and raised the unresolved issue I've been accused of being resentful and unforgiving and that I should be moving on instead of holding a grudge.So...I know they're gaslighting me. Everything points towards that.But is there a more specific term or phrase I can use to refer to it? So that when they do it, and I say things aren't okay, I can actually put a label to what and why? Maybe something I can use to look up further advice?Thanks in advanceTL;DR; : Family act like we haven't been fighting. They pretend as though everything is normal, and accuse me of being unreasonable if I point it out. I want to be able to call it out, understand, and find solutions to this behaviour. Is there a more specific phrase than "gaslighting" for it?