Stuck between a rock and a hard place (22M)

I apologize if this is poor formatting, and I apologize if my thoughts are a bit scattered, I don’t post that often.

So I have been in a Friends with benefits type deal for around 2 months, and we have been friends for around 6 months. We’ve always had great chemistry and always seemed to be on the same page...

A couple weeks back we had the ”establishment talk”, where we discussed what are intentions with this relationship was. She (21F) had said that she thought of us as friends with benefits, and we could fuck other people if we came across the opportunity so long as we told each other about it. The backstory to this was we had both mentioned that we had really only been in formal relationships for the past couple of years, and felt there was always an immense amount of pressure on both parties when talks of commitment came about. She has tried FWB in the past but had said that they have either ended badly due to lack of communication, or feelings came about for one person, but not the other. So, going into this relationship, she had made an effort to clearly say that she didn’t want to feel “trapped”, as we are both in our early 20’s and should be able to explore our sexualities and what works for us. I had agreed to this, but being as honest as I could I mentioned that I have never had been in a FWB relationship before, so it might be a little weird to me at first if she decided to fuck someone else, to which she had understood and said would probably feel the same if i were to fuck someone else.

But I figured I would give it a try, as every relationship I’ve had before this ended badly due to feelings/pressure being put on too quickly/ being with manipulative people who used me. So I thought that maybe trying a FWB relationship, with all cards on the table, would help me figure out what I like and dislike about sex without there being underlying pressure.

However, over the past week, I have felt that she has been talking to me less and less, not being as flirtatious, not sexting, and our dynamic has felt off.

I trust her, as she has done nothing to make me not trust her... but given my past of being with compulsive liars, manipulators, and cheaters, this feeling of constant anxiousness that i felt in those relationships before i found out that they were using me has come back. I don’t think this girl is using me, as i said we were upfront of what our expectations of this relationship were, but I can’t shake this constant anxiousness I’m feeling, and whenever I get like this, I overthink, say something about it, and then it usually ends up with me not being with that person anymore.

I don’t know really what I’m feeling.. part of me thinks that she is hooking up with other people, which again, we’ve established we can do, but I feel she might be doing it in secret so that she doesn’t hurt me or something. But part of me also thinks I’m just overthinking everything (I do it an unhealthy amount).. But even tho we both agreed we could fuck other people, the thought of her hooking up with someone else makes me feel...uneasy? I have been extremely anxious lately at the thought of it, so that leads me to believe that I may have feelings for her. I’m not sure if I do or not, but the idea of her with someone else seems to bother me.. I have not hooked up with anyone nor have i really had the intention to. I talk to random girls on tinder occasionally, but that’s only to boost my self-esteem and to distract myself from overthinking this FWB relationship. I’m horrified to tell her about how i feel, despite our agreement to have a clear line of communication about our feelings and if/when we hook up with other people bc I’m scared it will end what we have...

To summarize the issue:

-The Rock: I’m scared that if I tell her that I might have feelings for her/ don’t like the thought of her with someone else, that she will feel pressured and ultimately end it.

-The Hard Place: If I don’t tell her and just let this go on, knowing myself, I will let this take over my thoughts more than it already has, and then overwhelm her with everything in my head, and eventually lead it to an end.

I really really really don’t want this relationship to end, but at the same time I don’t want make myself suffer through the discomfort that her hooking up with other people will probably give me if she ends up doing that.

I just don’t know what to do. In both cases, it doesn’t seem to work out for me. I like her personality, I like our sex, and I like our dynamic. I’ve never had someone who really understood me the way she does, and I really don’t want to lose that.

I know life is unfair and this probably won’t go the way i want to, but I figured I give this sub a try before I do anything.

TL:DR- I’m (22M) have been in a 2 month FWB relationship (21F) and really don’t know if I have feelings for her or not. I just can’t really wrap my head around the idea of her fucking someone else..If I tell her, I know the relationship will probably end. If i don’t tell her, it might eat me up inside until I eventually break and overwhelm her with my thoughts, which will then lead to an end. I really really do not want it to end.

Submitted June 23, 2019 at 11:45PM

I apologize if this is poor formatting, and I apologize if my thoughts are a bit scattered, I don’t post that often.So I have been in a Friends with benefits type deal for around 2 months, and we have been friends for around 6 months. We’ve always had great chemistry and always seemed to be on the same page...A couple weeks back we had the ”establishment talk”, where we discussed what are intentions with this relationship was. She (21F) had said that she thought of us as friends with benefits, and we could fuck other people if we came across the opportunity so long as we told each other about it. The backstory to this was we had both mentioned that we had really only been in formal relationships for the past couple of years, and felt there was always an immense amount of pressure on both parties when talks of commitment came about. She has tried FWB in the past but had said that they have either ended badly due to lack of communication, or feelings came about for one person, but not the other. So, going into this relationship, she had made an effort to clearly say that she didn’t want to feel “trapped”, as we are both in our early 20’s and should be able to explore our sexualities and what works for us. I had agreed to this, but being as honest as I could I mentioned that I have never had been in a FWB relationship before, so it might be a little weird to me at first if she decided to fuck someone else, to which she had understood and said would probably feel the same if i were to fuck someone else.But I figured I would give it a try, as every relationship I’ve had before this ended badly due to feelings/pressure being put on too quickly/ being with manipulative people who used me. So I thought that maybe trying a FWB relationship, with all cards on the table, would help me figure out what I like and dislike about sex without there being underlying pressure.However, over the past week, I have felt that she has been talking to me less and less, not being as flirtatious, not sexting, and our dynamic has felt off.I trust her, as she has done nothing to make me not trust her... but given my past of being with compulsive liars, manipulators, and cheaters, this feeling of constant anxiousness that i felt in those relationships before i found out that they were using me has come back. I don’t think this girl is using me, as i said we were upfront of what our expectations of this relationship were, but I can’t shake this constant anxiousness I’m feeling, and whenever I get like this, I overthink, say something about it, and then it usually ends up with me not being with that person anymore.I don’t know really what I’m feeling.. part of me thinks that she is hooking up with other people, which again, we’ve established we can do, but I feel she might be doing it in secret so that she doesn’t hurt me or something. But part of me also thinks I’m just overthinking everything (I do it an unhealthy amount).. But even tho we both agreed we could fuck other people, the thought of her hooking up with someone else makes me feel...uneasy? I have been extremely anxious lately at the thought of it, so that leads me to believe that I may have feelings for her. I’m not sure if I do or not, but the idea of her with someone else seems to bother me.. I have not hooked up with anyone nor have i really had the intention to. I talk to random girls on tinder occasionally, but that’s only to boost my self-esteem and to distract myself from overthinking this FWB relationship. I’m horrified to tell her about how i feel, despite our agreement to have a clear line of communication about our feelings and if/when we hook up with other people bc I’m scared it will end what we have...To summarize the issue:-The Rock: I’m scared that if I tell her that I might have feelings for her/ don’t like the thought of her with someone else, that she will feel pressured and ultimately end it.-The Hard Place: If I don’t tell her and just let this go on, knowing myself, I will let this take over my thoughts more than it already has, and then overwhelm her with everything in my head, and eventually lead it to an end.I really really really don’t want this relationship to end, but at the same time I don’t want make myself suffer through the discomfort that her hooking up with other people will probably give me if she ends up doing that.I just don’t know what to do. In both cases, it doesn’t seem to work out for me. I like her personality, I like our sex, and I like our dynamic. I’ve never had someone who really understood me the way she does, and I really don’t want to lose that.I know life is unfair and this probably won’t go the way i want to, but I figured I give this sub a try before I do anything.TL:DR- I’m (22M) have been in a 2 month FWB relationship (21F) and really don’t know if I have feelings for her or not. I just can’t really wrap my head around the idea of her fucking someone else..If I tell her, I know the relationship will probably end. If i don’t tell her, it might eat me up inside until I eventually break and overwhelm her with my thoughts, which will then lead to an end. I really really do not want it to end.