My (18F) mom (49F) doesn't seem to be willing to go the extra mile for my sake then complains when I have problems because of it.

I've had problems with getting my mom to help me with most of my problems for pretty much my whole life. I've never considered her a person to go to for support. She's always been pretty distant, but I don't mind because I understand that she has really severe depression plus I'm a very antisocial person. This has become a major issue in my life, however, over the past 2 years or so.

I started really being upset by this when I was put into inpatient treatment for anorexia at the end of 2017. My mom was very helpful when it comes to taking me to my treatment and all the doctors appointments I had, but whenever she was supposed to get actively involved (like attending group therapy) she'd find some reason to not show up. My mom is a single mother and works really hard, so I thought she'd just not show up to our group therapy because she was tired, but then I heard her talking on the phone with a friend trying to come up with reasons to skip because she felt like it was unnecessary. It made me feel like I'm not a priority for her. I don't think our relationship was that strained at that point, but it was really about the principle.

This has continued since then.

My mom hounds me about how I need to get a drivers license so I can get a job and drive to school, yet she refuses to teach me or pay for lessons. I live in an area where the nearest non residential buildings are well over a mile away, so driving is a necessity for me to do literally anything. I finally convinced her to pay for driving lessons for me this month after about 14 months of trying to convince her to buy me driving lessons. I'm in the process of getting a license now, I just got my permit a few days ago. I've become even more upset when I heard her complaining to a friend of hers about how I'm not pulling my weight.

Now our relationship is so rocky and I'm uncomfortable talking with her about pretty much anything.

I'd really like to emphasize that this isn't a few cases. Growing up I was truant multiple times because if my mom didn't feel like taking me to school she just wouldn't. When I was growing up, every summer I would have long periods of time where I just didn't leave the house because she wouldn't take me anywhere. My mom has cancelled my doctors appointments because she doesn't want to spend money on gas to drive there.

The more I type this out, the more I feel upset that I'm not prioritized.

I don't know what to do about this, though. I've tried to bring it up, but my mom says I "make her feel like she's holding me hostage" She acts like I'm trying to manipulate her when I express displeasure at the state of my life. I don't want to seem ungrateful because she's basically bank rolled my lifestyle, but the lifestyle she's bank rolled isn't particularly enjoyable for either of us.

Should I confront her? Am I the problem?

TL;DR: My mom doesn't try to help me when I need her, then complains about my problems that result from the lack of help.

Submitted July 01, 2019 at 12:02AM

I've had problems with getting my mom to help me with most of my problems for pretty much my whole life. I've never considered her a person to go to for support. She's always been pretty distant, but I don't mind because I understand that she has really severe depression plus I'm a very antisocial person. This has become a major issue in my life, however, over the past 2 years or so.I started really being upset by this when I was put into inpatient treatment for anorexia at the end of 2017. My mom was very helpful when it comes to taking me to my treatment and all the doctors appointments I had, but whenever she was supposed to get actively involved (like attending group therapy) she'd find some reason to not show up. My mom is a single mother and works really hard, so I thought she'd just not show up to our group therapy because she was tired, but then I heard her talking on the phone with a friend trying to come up with reasons to skip because she felt like it was unnecessary. It made me feel like I'm not a priority for her. I don't think our relationship was that strained at that point, but it was really about the principle.This has continued since then.My mom hounds me about how I need to get a drivers license so I can get a job and drive to school, yet she refuses to teach me or pay for lessons. I live in an area where the nearest non residential buildings are well over a mile away, so driving is a necessity for me to do literally anything. I finally convinced her to pay for driving lessons for me this month after about 14 months of trying to convince her to buy me driving lessons. I'm in the process of getting a license now, I just got my permit a few days ago. I've become even more upset when I heard her complaining to a friend of hers about how I'm not pulling my weight.Now our relationship is so rocky and I'm uncomfortable talking with her about pretty much anything.I'd really like to emphasize that this isn't a few cases. Growing up I was truant multiple times because if my mom didn't feel like taking me to school she just wouldn't. When I was growing up, every summer I would have long periods of time where I just didn't leave the house because she wouldn't take me anywhere. My mom has cancelled my doctors appointments because she doesn't want to spend money on gas to drive there.The more I type this out, the more I feel upset that I'm not prioritized.I don't know what to do about this, though. I've tried to bring it up, but my mom says I "make her feel like she's holding me hostage" She acts like I'm trying to manipulate her when I express displeasure at the state of my life. I don't want to seem ungrateful because she's basically bank rolled my lifestyle, but the lifestyle she's bank rolled isn't particularly enjoyable for either of us.Should I confront her? Am I the problem?TL;DR: My mom doesn't try to help me when I need her, then complains about my problems that result from the lack of help.