I just needed to tell someone...

I have been having such a hard time dating lately and have been craving real physical, emotional, and mental connection. But I just don’t feel like I am putting that out there.

My ex boyfriend (relationship ended 10 years ago, but we have remained best friends since) is currently on a mental breakdown trip, living out of his sprinter van and climbing rocks around the country. He’s currently in my city.

Last night, his family came to visit so I went out with them. We got drunk at the bars and enjoyed the night. I hadn’t laughed so hard in awhile. My ex and his brother love me for who I am, so I was my full confident self. I very easily could have taken my Uber home when the bars closed. Instead, I went back to the van with my ex and continued the high. Continued feeling like the girl I feel like I’ve lost through the hardships of dating.

We stayed up near the lake and put our feet in the water. We talked about politics, how to make our world better, how dumb his current girlfriend is, what his plan is after his year off, and how I am doing. We sang songs on the dock and watched the sky go from black to pink. We went back to the van and cuddled to sleep.

Nothing between us will ever actually happen. I love him for who he is now, and he loves me for who I am now, which is something we didn’t do when we were together. But who we are doesn’t work for the other in terms of what we want from relationships.

But, damn. It feels good to go back to feeling like my full self, and not the empty shell I put up for online dating. I deleted the app and am just going to be out in the world, being my best self.



Submitted July 01, 2019 at 12:16AM

I have been having such a hard time dating lately and have been craving real physical, emotional, and mental connection. But I just don’t feel like I am putting that out there.My ex boyfriend (relationship ended 10 years ago, but we have remained best friends since) is currently on a mental breakdown trip, living out of his sprinter van and climbing rocks around the country. He’s currently in my city.Last night, his family came to visit so I went out with them. We got drunk at the bars and enjoyed the night. I hadn’t laughed so hard in awhile. My ex and his brother love me for who I am, so I was my full confident self. I very easily could have taken my Uber home when the bars closed. Instead, I went back to the van with my ex and continued the high. Continued feeling like the girl I feel like I’ve lost through the hardships of dating.We stayed up near the lake and put our feet in the water. We talked about politics, how to make our world better, how dumb his current girlfriend is, what his plan is after his year off, and how I am doing. We sang songs on the dock and watched the sky go from black to pink. We went back to the van and cuddled to sleep.Nothing between us will ever actually happen. I love him for who he is now, and he loves me for who I am now, which is something we didn’t do when we were together. But who we are doesn’t work for the other in terms of what we want from relationships.But, damn. It feels good to go back to feeling like my full self, and not the empty shell I put up for online dating. I deleted the app and am just going to be out in the world, being my best self.
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