How do I (27F) address or deal with my BF's (28M) silent treatment and insecurities?

My BF (28M) and I (27F) have dated for 4 years.

He has a number of deep-rooted insecurities that cause his depression. It frequently develops into a tornado of self-loathing which he internalizes and then shuts people out, mostly me.

We have started months of couples therapy as his negative internalizing has caused many arguments between us. We have been addressing and making efforts about getting him to be vulnerable and verbalize his feelings and communicate what he wants. Our communication skills have gotten much better, but it's still frustrating for me to be patient with his withdrawal and ignoring especially when we live together now and are discussing getting married.

I frequently will not know what he is upset about until days later, so for the time being, he will do the passive-aggressive "I'm fine" and walk away from me or ignore me. I am trying to be sensitive to his depression, but after years of being lied to about what he is feeling and being given the cold shoulder almost randomly, I am questioning how much longer I can take this.

I know there are many of you out there who respond to stress in this way as I have read in Reddit comments, and I would really like to know how you want to be treated when you cope this way?

And if you have been in a relationship where you have had to make a lot of patient efforts to help your partner through insecurities, I would love your advice as well.

Thank you.

TL:DR My BF has a lot of insecurities and copes by withdrawing from me, and it causes rifts in our relationship due to the lack of communication.



Submitted May 31, 2020 at 12:16AM

My BF (28M) and I (27F) have dated for 4 years.He has a number of deep-rooted insecurities that cause his depression. It frequently develops into a tornado of self-loathing which he internalizes and then shuts people out, mostly me.We have started months of couples therapy as his negative internalizing has caused many arguments between us. We have been addressing and making efforts about getting him to be vulnerable and verbalize his feelings and communicate what he wants. Our communication skills have gotten much better, but it's still frustrating for me to be patient with his withdrawal and ignoring especially when we live together now and are discussing getting married.I frequently will not know what he is upset about until days later, so for the time being, he will do the passive-aggressive "I'm fine" and walk away from me or ignore me. I am trying to be sensitive to his depression, but after years of being lied to about what he is feeling and being given the cold shoulder almost randomly, I am questioning how much longer I can take this.I know there are many of you out there who respond to stress in this way as I have read in Reddit comments, and I would really like to know how you want to be treated when you cope this way?And if you have been in a relationship where you have had to make a lot of patient efforts to help your partner through insecurities, I would love your advice as well.Thank you.TL:DR My BF has a lot of insecurities and copes by withdrawing from me, and it causes rifts in our relationship due to the lack of communication.
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