The guy (30m) I've been seeing has been struggling with a rare illness, and I (31f) have spent a lot of time supporting him. Now it turns out it he may have made it all up.

I feel like I woke up in an 80s lifetime movie that was panned for being "too fucking stupid.. even for a Lifetime movie." I'm gonna do my best to make this as succinct and straight forward as possible, but I'm still collecting all the pieces myself so apologies if it's a bit long and rambling. I promise it's at least a weird ride.

I've been friends/co-workers with "James" for over four years now. We weren't in the same department, so it was more of a casual friendship where we spent most of our time the same circles. A couple years ago, I transferred to the same department and we ended up frequently working in small groups or even one and one.

About a year ago, James confessed he had feelings for me. I told him I wasn't really in a position to explore that- I was in the midst of ending an abusive relationship (one of those overly long, drawn-out painful endings) and I needed to see that through, and then have time to recover before I considered dating again. He said he would respect the space I needed and keep things platonic, but it would be difficult.

Around this time he also confided in me about an ongoing health issue he had. It was a rare disorder- the main symptom of which was severe bouts of aggression- sometimes accompanied by blackouts- where he would have a complete lapse in memory from the moment the aggression started until he came out of it. He said he'd been dealing with it since his teens- it took a long time to figure out what the problem was until his parents took him to a specialist who was able to diagnose him and come up with a treatment plan. James said the condition had gotten a lot better since his teens/early twenties, but it was still something he had to think about/stay on top of regularly. And that he still sometimes had "bad days" where he "worried he would hurt someone if he didn't lock himself in his room." Also (this is maybe significant later,) his parents were apparently traumatized by his behavior pre-treatment, and currently refuse to talk about it or even acknowledge any of it happened.

For the last several months, we've kind of had an on and off undefined romantic thing. I've been very clear that I don't feel emotionally ready to commit to another relationship yet, but we're also very close and often by ourselves working incredibly late hours so... stuff has happened. We check in a lot and I ask him if he's okay with our "it's complicated" situation, or if he needs space to make sure I'm not leading him on and he always insists he's fine with the way things are.

After awhile, I felt uncomfortable with the amount of pressure he was putting on me and thought it was affecting our working relationship as well. I asked to back off from the romantic stuff for awhile, and he agreed. Shortly after, the symptoms of his health issue came back. He started having a combination of intense anger attacks or panic attacks. He would get triggered by certain sounds or crowds, or people- in person he would pace, spasm, shake, repeat words/phrases, sometimes suddenly yell and then seem to struggle to stop it. I of course encouraged him to see a doctor. He refused and said most doctors don't understand his condition. It went on for three weeks before he agreed to call the specialist in his home town, who referred him to another doctor in the city we live in currently.

James got some tests done, said the doctor had "never seen anything like the lab results" and got some different medications to take regularly. The attacks seemed to subside, although his doctor was worried about his levels or numbers or whatever not going down, and sent his test results to another specialist involved in a related research project. This specialist responded by immediately booking an overnight observation for James the following night- which just happened to be the same night as a really important work event, so James was upset. I suggested he ask to reschedule. He called the office and said they were angry about it, but agreed to reschedule him for the following week.

I offered to drop James off/pick him up from the hospital, and he thanked me profusely. The night before, he called me and told him the specialist had canceled. The research center that would have provided the facilities for the overnight observation had “gotten cold feet” because of the rescheduling, and pulled the funds from their research grant. The specialist chided him again for asking to reschedule, and said he’d look into other centers that might be willing to put up the funds- but it might involve James having to fly into another city. James was really freaked out about being flying to another city and being alone during this- I offered to fly with him if he wanted, and again he thanked me profusely. Over the next week he followed up at least every other day with both the specialist and his current doctor (who also apparently scolded him for rescheduling) and eventually got the response that the specialist wanted to move on with his research project, and was no longer interested in the observation.

The whole thing seemed very odd to me, so I asked about the specialist and what center he was connected to. James told me the name and the hospital. I spent some time looking them up- the hospital showed up, but I couldn’t find any record of the doctor’s name anywhere. Not connected to that hospital or the area he specialized in. This kinda weirded me out, but I’ve known James for five years now and also didn’t want to worry him any further so I decided not to bring it up.

Over the next month, he’d occasionally have moments where he’d start to have a freak out- leave to take his medication and return. I noticed I’d never seen the medication, even when I spent the night. A few weeks ago on my birthday, he told me he’d gotten a call that the specialist who’d originally diagnosed him- the one he’d stayed connected to since he was a teenager- had passed away. I sympathized of course and tried to be supportive. In his story about the phone call, he mentioned the doctor’s name. When I got home that night I googled it. With any different types of spelling I could come up with. With and without his home town, the specialization, ect. nothing. Over the next couple weeks I even checked the obituaries from his home town. Also nothing.

I felt like an asshole for obsessing about it, so again I didn’t bring it up.

Then a few weeks later while I was at his place there were a few odd things in a row, and I finally got up the guts to ask if I could just see his medication. He’d literally gotten up in front of me, used it and come back the night before. He acted confused, but said sure. Then he couldn’t find it. He went into a panic and tore apart his room and his bathroom, nothing. He’d of course never misplaced it before. He asked me if I had taken it. I said no, and let him look in my bag to reassure him. I admitted I’d asked because this was all becoming a lot to believe, and it’d do a lot for me to be able to see one item of physical evidence that this was all real. He felt bad, and I apologized for the implication. He said the medication was probably at work and he’d be able to get it tomorrow.

It wasn’t. A few days ago, we got in a larger conversation about this and I asked if there was anything he could show me, like even a listing for the doctor he sees currently. He gave me his name, the name of the clinic, the address and phone number from his contacts. The name doesn’t show up. The clinic doesn’t show up. The address exists, but it looks for all purposes like an apartment complex. The phone number connects to a large hospital in our city- to the same specialization his health issue is for, but the doctor he said he’s seen isn’t listed.

James has always been bad with with practical details, I ask are you sure this is the number you were calling every other day just a month ago? It’s not possible it’s a different number? He says no it was this number.

I ask him if he’s felt the need to make all this up to get some kind of attention, or get me to stay around. And tell him that if he is, I’m not going to hate him, but I really need him to come clean and not drag it out. He promises that he has distinct memories of going to these places and making these calls, so now he’s worried he’s crazy.

I ask if he’s truly being honest about this, would he be willing to sit down with me and try to get records of any of it- his prescription medication from the pharmacy he had fill it, the phone records from his service provider that would show what numbers he did or didn’t call. He says absolutely. I ask if there are close friends from his past that know about this condition he would be able to talk to and confirm with? He says yes. I ask if he’d be willing to, he’s hesitant but then eventually says yes.

Here’s the thing, writing this out I know I sound like an idiot. I would not have gone along with any of this if James was just a person I met on a dating app, rather than a friend I’ve watched be a reasonably functional person for nearly five years. Is it stupid for me to even try to figure this out with him? He’s still kind of my best friend. I guess if he didn’t just write down every single piece of info wrong (which is kinda James-like, tbh) and we get it evidence to magically show up in the real world after correcting some typos- he’s either lying or crazy. This is a person I have very reasonable conversations with every day. For years. He sometimes doesn’t think things through, but I’ve never seen an instance of him being manipulative or cruel. I’ve also never seen evidence of him being insane, either. If he was actually that delusional, wouldn’t there be other signs? He’d be more than just a genuine guy who sees the world as it is, except for this one giant thing?

TDLR:Friend/co-worker/romantic partner has had rare illness with severe behavioral symptoms. After a few events in a row don’t add up, I ask to see any evidence- the medication he says he uses, the names of the doctors he says he’s seen, anything. Nothing shows up. He insists he’s not lying, and instead acts freaked out like he’s suddenly discovered he’s crazy and doesn’t know why none of this seems to exist. I don’t know how to respond.

Submitted March 14, 2020 at 12:17AM

I feel like I woke up in an 80s lifetime movie that was panned for being "too fucking stupid.. even for a Lifetime movie." I'm gonna do my best to make this as succinct and straight forward as possible, but I'm still collecting all the pieces myself so apologies if it's a bit long and rambling. I promise it's at least a weird ride.I've been friends/co-workers with "James" for over four years now. We weren't in the same department, so it was more of a casual friendship where we spent most of our time the same circles. A couple years ago, I transferred to the same department and we ended up frequently working in small groups or even one and one.About a year ago, James confessed he had feelings for me. I told him I wasn't really in a position to explore that- I was in the midst of ending an abusive relationship (one of those overly long, drawn-out painful endings) and I needed to see that through, and then have time to recover before I considered dating again. He said he would respect the space I needed and keep things platonic, but it would be difficult.Around this time he also confided in me about an ongoing health issue he had. It was a rare disorder- the main symptom of which was severe bouts of aggression- sometimes accompanied by blackouts- where he would have a complete lapse in memory from the moment the aggression started until he came out of it. He said he'd been dealing with it since his teens- it took a long time to figure out what the problem was until his parents took him to a specialist who was able to diagnose him and come up with a treatment plan. James said the condition had gotten a lot better since his teens/early twenties, but it was still something he had to think about/stay on top of regularly. And that he still sometimes had "bad days" where he "worried he would hurt someone if he didn't lock himself in his room." Also (this is maybe significant later,) his parents were apparently traumatized by his behavior pre-treatment, and currently refuse to talk about it or even acknowledge any of it happened.For the last several months, we've kind of had an on and off undefined romantic thing. I've been very clear that I don't feel emotionally ready to commit to another relationship yet, but we're also very close and often by ourselves working incredibly late hours so... stuff has happened. We check in a lot and I ask him if he's okay with our "it's complicated" situation, or if he needs space to make sure I'm not leading him on and he always insists he's fine with the way things are.After awhile, I felt uncomfortable with the amount of pressure he was putting on me and thought it was affecting our working relationship as well. I asked to back off from the romantic stuff for awhile, and he agreed. Shortly after, the symptoms of his health issue came back. He started having a combination of intense anger attacks or panic attacks. He would get triggered by certain sounds or crowds, or people- in person he would pace, spasm, shake, repeat words/phrases, sometimes suddenly yell and then seem to struggle to stop it. I of course encouraged him to see a doctor. He refused and said most doctors don't understand his condition. It went on for three weeks before he agreed to call the specialist in his home town, who referred him to another doctor in the city we live in currently.James got some tests done, said the doctor had "never seen anything like the lab results" and got some different medications to take regularly. The attacks seemed to subside, although his doctor was worried about his levels or numbers or whatever not going down, and sent his test results to another specialist involved in a related research project. This specialist responded by immediately booking an overnight observation for James the following night- which just happened to be the same night as a really important work event, so James was upset. I suggested he ask to reschedule. He called the office and said they were angry about it, but agreed to reschedule him for the following week.I offered to drop James off/pick him up from the hospital, and he thanked me profusely. The night before, he called me and told him the specialist had canceled. The research center that would have provided the facilities for the overnight observation had “gotten cold feet” because of the rescheduling, and pulled the funds from their research grant. The specialist chided him again for asking to reschedule, and said he’d look into other centers that might be willing to put up the funds- but it might involve James having to fly into another city. James was really freaked out about being flying to another city and being alone during this- I offered to fly with him if he wanted, and again he thanked me profusely. Over the next week he followed up at least every other day with both the specialist and his current doctor (who also apparently scolded him for rescheduling) and eventually got the response that the specialist wanted to move on with his research project, and was no longer interested in the observation.The whole thing seemed very odd to me, so I asked about the specialist and what center he was connected to. James told me the name and the hospital. I spent some time looking them up- the hospital showed up, but I couldn’t find any record of the doctor’s name anywhere. Not connected to that hospital or the area he specialized in. This kinda weirded me out, but I’ve known James for five years now and also didn’t want to worry him any further so I decided not to bring it up.Over the next month, he’d occasionally have moments where he’d start to have a freak out- leave to take his medication and return. I noticed I’d never seen the medication, even when I spent the night. A few weeks ago on my birthday, he told me he’d gotten a call that the specialist who’d originally diagnosed him- the one he’d stayed connected to since he was a teenager- had passed away. I sympathized of course and tried to be supportive. In his story about the phone call, he mentioned the doctor’s name. When I got home that night I googled it. With any different types of spelling I could come up with. With and without his home town, the specialization, ect. nothing. Over the next couple weeks I even checked the obituaries from his home town. Also nothing.I felt like an asshole for obsessing about it, so again I didn’t bring it up.Then a few weeks later while I was at his place there were a few odd things in a row, and I finally got up the guts to ask if I could just see his medication. He’d literally gotten up in front of me, used it and come back the night before. He acted confused, but said sure. Then he couldn’t find it. He went into a panic and tore apart his room and his bathroom, nothing. He’d of course never misplaced it before. He asked me if I had taken it. I said no, and let him look in my bag to reassure him. I admitted I’d asked because this was all becoming a lot to believe, and it’d do a lot for me to be able to see one item of physical evidence that this was all real. He felt bad, and I apologized for the implication. He said the medication was probably at work and he’d be able to get it tomorrow.It wasn’t. A few days ago, we got in a larger conversation about this and I asked if there was anything he could show me, like even a listing for the doctor he sees currently. He gave me his name, the name of the clinic, the address and phone number from his contacts. The name doesn’t show up. The clinic doesn’t show up. The address exists, but it looks for all purposes like an apartment complex. The phone number connects to a large hospital in our city- to the same specialization his health issue is for, but the doctor he said he’s seen isn’t listed.James has always been bad with with practical details, I ask are you sure this is the number you were calling every other day just a month ago? It’s not possible it’s a different number? He says no it was this number.I ask him if he’s felt the need to make all this up to get some kind of attention, or get me to stay around. And tell him that if he is, I’m not going to hate him, but I really need him to come clean and not drag it out. He promises that he has distinct memories of going to these places and making these calls, so now he’s worried he’s crazy.I ask if he’s truly being honest about this, would he be willing to sit down with me and try to get records of any of it- his prescription medication from the pharmacy he had fill it, the phone records from his service provider that would show what numbers he did or didn’t call. He says absolutely. I ask if there are close friends from his past that know about this condition he would be able to talk to and confirm with? He says yes. I ask if he’d be willing to, he’s hesitant but then eventually says yes.Here’s the thing, writing this out I know I sound like an idiot. I would not have gone along with any of this if James was just a person I met on a dating app, rather than a friend I’ve watched be a reasonably functional person for nearly five years. Is it stupid for me to even try to figure this out with him? He’s still kind of my best friend. I guess if he didn’t just write down every single piece of info wrong (which is kinda James-like, tbh) and we get it evidence to magically show up in the real world after correcting some typos- he’s either lying or crazy. This is a person I have very reasonable conversations with every day. For years. He sometimes doesn’t think things through, but I’ve never seen an instance of him being manipulative or cruel. I’ve also never seen evidence of him being insane, either. If he was actually that delusional, wouldn’t there be other signs? He’d be more than just a genuine guy who sees the world as it is, except for this one giant thing?TDLR:Friend/co-worker/romantic partner has had rare illness with severe behavioral symptoms. After a few events in a row don’t add up, I ask to see any evidence- the medication he says he uses, the names of the doctors he says he’s seen, anything. Nothing shows up. He insists he’s not lying, and instead acts freaked out like he’s suddenly discovered he’s crazy and doesn’t know why none of this seems to exist. I don’t know how to respond.