Am I Overthinking?

This isn't my first rodeo, and I have a horrible tendency of overthinking everything in the realm of romance. It feels like I've gotten better, but I know that my brain is still working on overdrive. Let me fill you in:

My crush (17 F) and I (19 M) have been friends for about 5 years, but started getting closer about 10-12 months ago. What started as getting food with some mutual friends has turned into midnight roadtrips to nowhere, hours on end of texting and occasional drunken shenanigans. For two people that generally can't stand physical contact, she's progressively gotten more comfortable around me. When getting scared or while laughing, she'll grab my arm or shoulders and linger there for a while. We support each other and, while I can only speak for myself, there's a remarkable development of trust between us. Hell, before I left for a trip halfway across the country (US), she pulled me out of the house to get some food and say goodbye. I had done the same before she left for a trip a few months earlier. We talk about personal goals, struggles and aspirations and every time we talk it feels like a proverbial game of flirtatious ping-pong; forever testing the waters getting a little farther each time.

Our conversations tend to end up with asking about relationships and crushes. We've admitted we both have crushes, but are equally as stubborn in our unwillingness to share and are both known to be very good at keeping such emotions very private. While we were particularly inebriated, she lamented that her crush didn't like her back and that she'd had it for months. A smarter me would have been honest, but no good things come from drunken confessions. I'd instead go on to press her on whether she'd talked to them about it or why she had reason to doubt reciprocated feelings, all to which she denied, and relied on gut instincts. She'd go on to press me on who I was currently infatuated with, rattling off a list of names of mutual friends. She'd near the end of her list when, for the first time, she asked "please don't say it's me". Being too drunk and knowing she'd eventually forget anyway, I'd deny like I always do. Looking back, she hardly remembers the night, let alone that conversation. I still can't help but feeling I've made a horrible mistake.

I feel deceptive keeping this from her, and even worse for enjoying the small perks of our flirtationship. Still yet, I can't tell whether or not she really does have emotions for me. Viscerally. I believe it to be so, but I reserve that my views are probably fogged by what I want to see. I've told a few mutual friends, getting conflicting reactions and I'm hoping to get a fresh perspective on the situation.

Submitted March 18, 2020 at 12:03AM

This isn't my first rodeo, and I have a horrible tendency of overthinking everything in the realm of romance. It feels like I've gotten better, but I know that my brain is still working on overdrive. Let me fill you in:My crush (17 F) and I (19 M) have been friends for about 5 years, but started getting closer about 10-12 months ago. What started as getting food with some mutual friends has turned into midnight roadtrips to nowhere, hours on end of texting and occasional drunken shenanigans. For two people that generally can't stand physical contact, she's progressively gotten more comfortable around me. When getting scared or while laughing, she'll grab my arm or shoulders and linger there for a while. We support each other and, while I can only speak for myself, there's a remarkable development of trust between us. Hell, before I left for a trip halfway across the country (US), she pulled me out of the house to get some food and say goodbye. I had done the same before she left for a trip a few months earlier. We talk about personal goals, struggles and aspirations and every time we talk it feels like a proverbial game of flirtatious ping-pong; forever testing the waters getting a little farther each time.Our conversations tend to end up with asking about relationships and crushes. We've admitted we both have crushes, but are equally as stubborn in our unwillingness to share and are both known to be very good at keeping such emotions very private. While we were particularly inebriated, she lamented that her crush didn't like her back and that she'd had it for months. A smarter me would have been honest, but no good things come from drunken confessions. I'd instead go on to press her on whether she'd talked to them about it or why she had reason to doubt reciprocated feelings, all to which she denied, and relied on gut instincts. She'd go on to press me on who I was currently infatuated with, rattling off a list of names of mutual friends. She'd near the end of her list when, for the first time, she asked "please don't say it's me". Being too drunk and knowing she'd eventually forget anyway, I'd deny like I always do. Looking back, she hardly remembers the night, let alone that conversation. I still can't help but feeling I've made a horrible mistake.I feel deceptive keeping this from her, and even worse for enjoying the small perks of our flirtationship. Still yet, I can't tell whether or not she really does have emotions for me. Viscerally. I believe it to be so, but I reserve that my views are probably fogged by what I want to see. I've told a few mutual friends, getting conflicting reactions and I'm hoping to get a fresh perspective on the situation.