Unsure where I (23F) stand with him (23M)

Hello reddit! This is a throwaway account because we both use reddit, although I don't believe he looks at this sub often.

I (23F) have been dating him (23M) for about 5 months and I am confused where I stand.

We met on tinder, and became exclusive about 1 month after we met. For the most part we have had no problems and some friends have actually commented that I don't speak about him much which is not because I don't like him, it's because I honestly had no complaints about him (lol). I definitely do talk about him more with other friends though so I think it depends on the friend in question! It has been going very well and we've met each others friends and on both sides it has been very friendly. We have gone on double dates with couples from both of our friend groups and it has been really fun so far.

About 4 months in, we talked about "us" and where we were, and I felt that I was ready to put a label on it, but that was because I felt that it wouldn't really change much about us, we are exclusive and we talk daily, go on dates at least once a week if not more often, etc. Those are all things that I would do with a boyfriend.

From what he has told me I get the sense that he wants to be very sure of someone before calling them his girlfriend. In some ways that feels like a lot of pressure and I'm not someone who thinks about the future a lot at the start of a relationship because we are still getting to know each other and building a foundation. I think the whole point of dating and having a boyfriend/girlfriend is to see how they are as a partner and once you are sure of each other, that's when you talk about the next step (moving in/getting engaged/whatever is the right next step for you).

However, I don't think his way of thinking is wrong either - or at least neither of us should have to change the way we think. He has said to me that he likes to "build a great friendship and that is the start of something more special and that's what we are working towards"

I think that's fair and that's what I want to do too, but at times I feel afraid to have feelings for him because I don't know where to place him in my life and I don't know what I'm ready for because I can't figure out in my head what kinds of commitments I should be making. (I have said these exact words to him already.)

I get that the label doesn't really mean much, but it is important to me (verbal commitment) and I don't think I should dismiss that. Am I wrong in thinking this way?

More about us:

• We feel comfortable talking to each other about our wants/needs. The communication has been amazing. If there is something between us that is bothering me then I know I can talk to him about it. He will listen to me and proactively work to resolve whatever is going on, and I do the same for him.
• When we spoke about what's above, he said that he understands where I am coming from and that he's sorry for putting me in that position, that he is going to work on prioritizing better because he's struggled with that, and he is going to make me feel as special as I am in his life right now.
• We both know each other's phone passcodes but I have 0 interest in looking through his phone. He uses my phone when I'm driving so he can use my spotify account to play music.
• He has been in a long term relationship in the past (4 years on/off). He doesn't like to talk about it but from what he has said I get the sense that it did not end very well and there was a lot throughout those 4 years that affected him negatively. They broke up about a year before we met.
• I have never been in the long term relationship for lots of reasons - I'm in a professional program (healthcare) that I worked very hard to get into, I prioritized my platonic friendships and didn't prioritize romantic relationships, I knew that I was not ready as a person to make any sorts of commitments while I was in university, etc. Now I feel like I am a much better person and ready to date.
  

I go to a therapist weekly or biweekly (took some time off during the holiday season), who has been invaluable to me. I am going back soon (in a few days) which I know will help me a lot.

I am curious to see what the people of this sub have to say! Thank you in advance for all of your input :)

TL;DR: We (23F/23M) have great communication and trust but some differences in opinion/ways of thinking when it comes to relationships.

Submitted January 03, 2020 at 11:51PM

Hello reddit! This is a throwaway account because we both use reddit, although I don't believe he looks at this sub often.I (23F) have been dating him (23M) for about 5 months and I am confused where I stand.We met on tinder, and became exclusive about 1 month after we met. For the most part we have had no problems and some friends have actually commented that I don't speak about him much which is not because I don't like him, it's because I honestly had no complaints about him (lol). I definitely do talk about him more with other friends though so I think it depends on the friend in question! It has been going very well and we've met each others friends and on both sides it has been very friendly. We have gone on double dates with couples from both of our friend groups and it has been really fun so far.About 4 months in, we talked about "us" and where we were, and I felt that I was ready to put a label on it, but that was because I felt that it wouldn't really change much about us, we are exclusive and we talk daily, go on dates at least once a week if not more often, etc. Those are all things that I would do with a boyfriend.From what he has told me I get the sense that he wants to be very sure of someone before calling them his girlfriend. In some ways that feels like a lot of pressure and I'm not someone who thinks about the future a lot at the start of a relationship because we are still getting to know each other and building a foundation. I think the whole point of dating and having a boyfriend/girlfriend is to see how they are as a partner and once you are sure of each other, that's when you talk about the next step (moving in/getting engaged/whatever is the right next step for you).However, I don't think his way of thinking is wrong either - or at least neither of us should have to change the way we think. He has said to me that he likes to "build a great friendship and that is the start of something more special and that's what we are working towards"I think that's fair and that's what I want to do too, but at times I feel afraid to have feelings for him because I don't know where to place him in my life and I don't know what I'm ready for because I can't figure out in my head what kinds of commitments I should be making. (I have said these exact words to him already.)I get that the label doesn't really mean much, but it is important to me (verbal commitment) and I don't think I should dismiss that. Am I wrong in thinking this way?More about us:We feel comfortable talking to each other about our wants/needs. The communication has been amazing. If there is something between us that is bothering me then I know I can talk to him about it. He will listen to me and proactively work to resolve whatever is going on, and I do the same for him.When we spoke about what's above, he said that he understands where I am coming from and that he's sorry for putting me in that position, that he is going to work on prioritizing better because he's struggled with that, and he is going to make me feel as special as I am in his life right now.We both know each other's phone passcodes but I have 0 interest in looking through his phone. He uses my phone when I'm driving so he can use my spotify account to play music.He has been in a long term relationship in the past (4 years on/off). He doesn't like to talk about it but from what he has said I get the sense that it did not end very well and there was a lot throughout those 4 years that affected him negatively. They broke up about a year before we met.I have never been in the long term relationship for lots of reasons - I'm in a professional program (healthcare) that I worked very hard to get into, I prioritized my platonic friendships and didn't prioritize romantic relationships, I knew that I was not ready as a person to make any sorts of commitments while I was in university, etc. Now I feel like I am a much better person and ready to date.I go to a therapist weekly or biweekly (took some time off during the holiday season), who has been invaluable to me. I am going back soon (in a few days) which I know will help me a lot.I am curious to see what the people of this sub have to say! Thank you in advance for all of your input :)TL;DR: We (23F/23M) have great communication and trust but some differences in opinion/ways of thinking when it comes to relationships.