How do I (23 F) work through what I said to my ex boyfriend (25 M) when he told me he cheated on me....with my sister?

To begin; I’m notorious for being pretty cold and sharp, but only when confronted or treated poorly. Also, this happened over a year ago. I just keep thinking about it.

My boyfriend at the time had been with me for three years. He’s a writer who has applied to more MFA programs than anyone can count, but I always supported his dreams and ambitions the best I could. I really had faith that one day he’d land a spot.

While trying to get into these programs, he worked as a fry cook at a local diner. He absolutely hated his job and every day talked about quitting and how he felt like he was wasting his time / talent.

One night we got wine drunk together on my back deck and we were just listening to music when he started crying. I asked what was up and he tearfully confessed that several months prior, he’d fucked my sister. Three times.

He apologized and said over and over what a huge mistake he’d made, but I was stunned into absolute silence.

When I found my voice all I could think to say was “okay. In a minute, I want you to go inside and get your shit. But right now I have something to say.” He was still crying / talking over me / begging for my forgiveness but he shut up long enough for me to continue, and I responded with something to the general effect of “You’re a mediocre writer. I’ve been waiting to admit that to you, but as your girlfriend, I wanted to support you. In truth you’ll never get in anywhere, and your career will amount to absolute shit. I hope that’s just how life is for you. Writing mediocre poetry in your mediocre apartment, working as a fry cook until you die from something typical and uneventful— a heart attack, maybe. You’re a waste of a person. Now get your shit, and get the fuck out of my house.”

He made some excuses about not wanting to drive drunk and wanting to just crash on the couch. He was full blown sobbing at this point. I said I didn’t give a fuck how he left, as long as he did. He ordered an Uber and was gone. I blocked him on everything and that was the only “closure” either of us got.

I know I was drunk, but that’s not an excuse. I was exceptionally cruel and classist. In that moment my sole goal was to crush him completely so he’d be brought down to my level.

I wouldn’t ever say something like that again, but honestly...I can’t say I regret it. People always tell you you’ll regret cruelty, and usually that’s true, but it felt like a horribly toxic version of “taking my power back” and it was the only thing that made me feel remotely better / in control for the moment. I know what I said gutted him. I picked the exact, specific thing I knew would hurt him most and ran with it.

I guess I’m just venting. My relationship with my sister is also completely totaled thanks to this, and while I do blame them both, my fury at him over the loss of that relationship has further fueled my nonsensical feeling of justification when it comes to my actions.

Anyway, how do I force myself to regret this? How do I stop turning it over in my brain?

TLDR: I trashed my boyfriend’s career, character and livelihood when he confessed to cheating. I don’t feel bad about it, but think that I should feel guilty. How do I stop turning this situation over in my brain and move on?

Submitted January 26, 2020 at 12:22AM

To begin; I’m notorious for being pretty cold and sharp, but only when confronted or treated poorly. Also, this happened over a year ago. I just keep thinking about it.My boyfriend at the time had been with me for three years. He’s a writer who has applied to more MFA programs than anyone can count, but I always supported his dreams and ambitions the best I could. I really had faith that one day he’d land a spot.While trying to get into these programs, he worked as a fry cook at a local diner. He absolutely hated his job and every day talked about quitting and how he felt like he was wasting his time / talent.One night we got wine drunk together on my back deck and we were just listening to music when he started crying. I asked what was up and he tearfully confessed that several months prior, he’d fucked my sister. Three times.He apologized and said over and over what a huge mistake he’d made, but I was stunned into absolute silence.When I found my voice all I could think to say was “okay. In a minute, I want you to go inside and get your shit. But right now I have something to say.” He was still crying / talking over me / begging for my forgiveness but he shut up long enough for me to continue, and I responded with something to the general effect of “You’re a mediocre writer. I’ve been waiting to admit that to you, but as your girlfriend, I wanted to support you. In truth you’ll never get in anywhere, and your career will amount to absolute shit. I hope that’s just how life is for you. Writing mediocre poetry in your mediocre apartment, working as a fry cook until you die from something typical and uneventful— a heart attack, maybe. You’re a waste of a person. Now get your shit, and get the fuck out of my house.”He made some excuses about not wanting to drive drunk and wanting to just crash on the couch. He was full blown sobbing at this point. I said I didn’t give a fuck how he left, as long as he did. He ordered an Uber and was gone. I blocked him on everything and that was the only “closure” either of us got.I know I was drunk, but that’s not an excuse. I was exceptionally cruel and classist. In that moment my sole goal was to crush him completely so he’d be brought down to my level.I wouldn’t ever say something like that again, but honestly...I can’t say I regret it. People always tell you you’ll regret cruelty, and usually that’s true, but it felt like a horribly toxic version of “taking my power back” and it was the only thing that made me feel remotely better / in control for the moment. I know what I said gutted him. I picked the exact, specific thing I knew would hurt him most and ran with it.I guess I’m just venting. My relationship with my sister is also completely totaled thanks to this, and while I do blame them both, my fury at him over the loss of that relationship has further fueled my nonsensical feeling of justification when it comes to my actions.Anyway, how do I force myself to regret this? How do I stop turning it over in my brain?TLDR: I trashed my boyfriend’s career, character and livelihood when he confessed to cheating. I don’t feel bad about it, but think that I should feel guilty. How do I stop turning this situation over in my brain and move on?