I [26F] don't know how to deal with my toxic mother [56F] and my lack of family

My father died when I was young and my mother is a toxic, deeply disturbed, abusive person who I finally cut contact with earlier this year. I have no siblings and really no other family except some grandparents and cousins who live far away and who I never had much to do with.

This was the first christmas I didn't spend at my mother's. I instead spent it completely alone. I thought it would be fine because I'm not a big christmas fan and mostly have bad memories associated with it anyways. Well turns out it's still kind of shitty. I would have liked to be with friends, but my friends all have good relationships with their family and all of them are with their parents for the holidays.

I'm just at such a loss of how to deal with this in the future. Since I have friends etc I don't usually feel lonely, but it really comes out on holidays. I suppose if I ever get a longterm relationship, at least then I won't be alone. Either way this leaves my constant struggle with the shitty parents situation. My mother still tries to get back into my life by a combination of guilt tripping and insulting me. Sometimes she 'apologizes' and I feel slightly tempted especially when I feel lonely like now. But I know that she always comes as a package deal with all her shittyness and abuse. So that leaves me with the perspective that I'll have to either eventually give in and try to keep in contact with her somehow, or keep fighting off her attempts while struggling with my feelings about it.

I know I'm not the only person in the world with a story like that and I have talked to some people like that online and even on reddit, but in real life everyone I know is relatively happy with their family. Whenever someone asks me about my family in some way there's awkwardness and me being reminded. No, I won't be going home for Christmas. The gifts I got? Ehem well nothing much. The people who do know that there is some trouble with me and my mom usually avoid that topic forever afterwards, like they think I don't want to be reminded.

This is more of a rant than anything I guess. I just feel like there's no way to really win or even be happy with the situation. Any tips or advice?

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tl,dr: I have somewhat of a broken family history and sometimes feel lonely because of it, especially on holidays like now. I don't know how to accept it or be at least somewhat ok with the situation. Also unsure about what to do with my mother in the future. Any help?

Submitted December 25, 2019 at 12:21AM

My father died when I was young and my mother is a toxic, deeply disturbed, abusive person who I finally cut contact with earlier this year. I have no siblings and really no other family except some grandparents and cousins who live far away and who I never had much to do with.This was the first christmas I didn't spend at my mother's. I instead spent it completely alone. I thought it would be fine because I'm not a big christmas fan and mostly have bad memories associated with it anyways. Well turns out it's still kind of shitty. I would have liked to be with friends, but my friends all have good relationships with their family and all of them are with their parents for the holidays.I'm just at such a loss of how to deal with this in the future. Since I have friends etc I don't usually feel lonely, but it really comes out on holidays. I suppose if I ever get a longterm relationship, at least then I won't be alone. Either way this leaves my constant struggle with the shitty parents situation. My mother still tries to get back into my life by a combination of guilt tripping and insulting me. Sometimes she 'apologizes' and I feel slightly tempted especially when I feel lonely like now. But I know that she always comes as a package deal with all her shittyness and abuse. So that leaves me with the perspective that I'll have to either eventually give in and try to keep in contact with her somehow, or keep fighting off her attempts while struggling with my feelings about it.I know I'm not the only person in the world with a story like that and I have talked to some people like that online and even on reddit, but in real life everyone I know is relatively happy with their family. Whenever someone asks me about my family in some way there's awkwardness and me being reminded. No, I won't be going home for Christmas. The gifts I got? Ehem well nothing much. The people who do know that there is some trouble with me and my mom usually avoid that topic forever afterwards, like they think I don't want to be reminded.This is more of a rant than anything I guess. I just feel like there's no way to really win or even be happy with the situation. Any tips or advice?tl,dr: I have somewhat of a broken family history and sometimes feel lonely because of it, especially on holidays like now. I don't know how to accept it or be at least somewhat ok with the situation. Also unsure about what to do with my mother in the future. Any help?