First relationship in 6 years, and its over. I don't know how to cope.

I feel like I need a place to just let this out. I (25M) met this girl (28F) back in early August on OKCupid. This has been the only girl I have gone on a date with since high school and the first one to actually show interest. The date went great and we went back to her place and had sex. I had never done anything like that before, and the whole experience was exciting and had me so nervous. The morning after I went home, I was still in a shock because of how new it was. And I didnt think it would go anywhere. So, like a moron, I told her I wasn't interested in anything romantically, but a few days later I told her I shouldn't have said that, because I actually had strong feelings for her. That was my first mistake.

After that we would meet up on the weekends and go to clubs and dance and drink. It was going great. Then after about a month, she saw my facebook messages, and was convinced I was talking to other women based on how they were ordered in my messages list. When she asked me if I was talking to any1 else, I told her no, of course not. But she didn't believe me and thought I was lying. It was a big argument, we both got pretty emotional over it because I didn't know what to do. But she apologized after and said it was because she was projecting onto me from her past relationships. But I came to learn later she never actually believed me.

We were pretty much on and off since then. She would get upset how I said things or my tone, because it came across as rude and condescending to her. So I tried to be careful with how I spoke to her. And it seemed to go well over time. Then one day she drops this bomb on me about me needing to commit to her, and to prove it I needed to do various things, like make plans to move in with her and the like. She told me not to tell anyone I asked this. I told my brother about it. And after we got together and talk it over, she asked me if I told anyone. I said I hadn't (That was my second mistake).

Later, she asked me if I told anyone, and I doubled down on my lie. But she insisted I told someone. The next time we met, while laying in bed and having a good talk about our relationship and how we fight. She asked me again if i lied, telling me she wouldn't be mad if i just told her then. So I admitted that yeah, i only told my brother about it. She seemed to take it fine, but the next morning after having sex, she said it felt different, because she doesn't feel attracted to someone that lies to her. And she broke up with me. I called her 2 days later and tried to reconcile it but it seemed like the damage was done. So I basically said "hey if you think im lying about anything else, tell me and Ill be upfront with you." But she said nothing, said that was the only thing. We had a good time together friday night, and I thought we would be okay and get back together, but the next morning was just awkward, because she was doing things that lead me to believe we would get together again, like her flirting with me and sleeping in my bed with me. But she said that no, we would never get back together. I took her to a bus stop so she could get back to her place that was across the state. Later that night I asked her about me and her and what was going on. The long and short of it was that she believed I lied to her again. This is because we had a discussion how she didnt feel comfortable with me watching porn, and the last time she asked me if I watched any at all that wasn't with her while we were having sex. I said no then, but when I was over her place, she was using my laptop. She was convinced I was lying again and when she typed the lette "P" into the address bar of my browser, pornhub came up. So she was convinced I was watching porn again, and went so far to say im addicted to porn. She went thru my history and found a couple instances of me watching porn, only 3 times in the past 2 months. But since the most recent date, Dec. 8 was recent, she believed I lied to her. But it doesnt make sense, because when I asked her if there were more instances of that history, she said there was, but there isn't. It didn't matter what I said to her, she determined I would go through any lengths to hide my porn habits by deleting my history and I just slipped up that one time. I even offered to show her everything I have but said I would have just hidden it. Her reasoning for saying im addicted is because she didn't feel a close connection with me during sex every time, I had a hard time having an orgasm during sex, and the fact that I used to watch porn very often before I had met her. After I met her I cut down on porn immensely because I was using it just to make myself feel better because I was lonely, she finds it hard to believe I would reduce my usage so much.

Now I just feel so stupid because I feel like I planted this seed of doubt in her and it grew out of control. But I didn't know she didn't believe me about me not talking to other women. She said I kept gaslighting her and kept lying to her, so she cant ever trust me. I can admit I did lie that singular time, but everything else... I feel like she saw what she wanted to see. Trying to talk about it otherwise was just futile because she believed I was like all other men, just lying to her face to cover my tracks no matter what.

I feel crushed because, its been so long since I have had any intimacy, and I was just learning all the stuff that comes with a new adult relationship. We were actually very happy together if we weren't arguing about small petty things. I feel like im going crazy because im having such a hard time accepting it. I loved her so much, even though its only been 3 months. I know how it sounds, how could I feel so deeply for someone I have barely known? I feel like I wont ever be happy again because it took me so long to find someone that actually wanted to meet me and be with me. Im an introvert so its so hard for me to go out sometimes and meet people. I am anxious when I do new things or am in a place I have never been before. I dont have motivation to actually get myself out there, because I am so afraid. When I was with her I felt like I could finally grow and experience things because I had someone to share it with. I feel like I am in a deadzone in my state, because I dont find anyone attractive online to date, and even if I do, I never get matches or responses. I have felt so lonely in the past and now its all coming back. Im so frustrated because Im being accused of lying about stuff I didn't lie about, and thats only because I lied one time to her. She said she didnt wanna bring it up the moment she found it because she was convinced I would deny it, but of course I would deny it, because it wasnt true! And this happened BEFORE I lied to her the first time.

I dont really know what to do or say, I was finally feeling loved and happy. I wanted to give all my love to her too, it seemed to go right for a good amount of time. I feel trapped. I feel depressed. I want to just talk to her and it be okay again.

I know this was long but I just had to write it down somewhere. Thanks.

Submitted December 15, 2019 at 11:48PM

I feel like I need a place to just let this out. I (25M) met this girl (28F) back in early August on OKCupid. This has been the only girl I have gone on a date with since high school and the first one to actually show interest. The date went great and we went back to her place and had sex. I had never done anything like that before, and the whole experience was exciting and had me so nervous. The morning after I went home, I was still in a shock because of how new it was. And I didnt think it would go anywhere. So, like a moron, I told her I wasn't interested in anything romantically, but a few days later I told her I shouldn't have said that, because I actually had strong feelings for her. That was my first mistake.After that we would meet up on the weekends and go to clubs and dance and drink. It was going great. Then after about a month, she saw my facebook messages, and was convinced I was talking to other women based on how they were ordered in my messages list. When she asked me if I was talking to any1 else, I told her no, of course not. But she didn't believe me and thought I was lying. It was a big argument, we both got pretty emotional over it because I didn't know what to do. But she apologized after and said it was because she was projecting onto me from her past relationships. But I came to learn later she never actually believed me.We were pretty much on and off since then. She would get upset how I said things or my tone, because it came across as rude and condescending to her. So I tried to be careful with how I spoke to her. And it seemed to go well over time. Then one day she drops this bomb on me about me needing to commit to her, and to prove it I needed to do various things, like make plans to move in with her and the like. She told me not to tell anyone I asked this. I told my brother about it. And after we got together and talk it over, she asked me if I told anyone. I said I hadn't (That was my second mistake).Later, she asked me if I told anyone, and I doubled down on my lie. But she insisted I told someone. The next time we met, while laying in bed and having a good talk about our relationship and how we fight. She asked me again if i lied, telling me she wouldn't be mad if i just told her then. So I admitted that yeah, i only told my brother about it. She seemed to take it fine, but the next morning after having sex, she said it felt different, because she doesn't feel attracted to someone that lies to her. And she broke up with me. I called her 2 days later and tried to reconcile it but it seemed like the damage was done. So I basically said "hey if you think im lying about anything else, tell me and Ill be upfront with you." But she said nothing, said that was the only thing. We had a good time together friday night, and I thought we would be okay and get back together, but the next morning was just awkward, because she was doing things that lead me to believe we would get together again, like her flirting with me and sleeping in my bed with me. But she said that no, we would never get back together. I took her to a bus stop so she could get back to her place that was across the state. Later that night I asked her about me and her and what was going on. The long and short of it was that she believed I lied to her again. This is because we had a discussion how she didnt feel comfortable with me watching porn, and the last time she asked me if I watched any at all that wasn't with her while we were having sex. I said no then, but when I was over her place, she was using my laptop. She was convinced I was lying again and when she typed the lette "P" into the address bar of my browser, pornhub came up. So she was convinced I was watching porn again, and went so far to say im addicted to porn. She went thru my history and found a couple instances of me watching porn, only 3 times in the past 2 months. But since the most recent date, Dec. 8 was recent, she believed I lied to her. But it doesnt make sense, because when I asked her if there were more instances of that history, she said there was, but there isn't. It didn't matter what I said to her, she determined I would go through any lengths to hide my porn habits by deleting my history and I just slipped up that one time. I even offered to show her everything I have but said I would have just hidden it. Her reasoning for saying im addicted is because she didn't feel a close connection with me during sex every time, I had a hard time having an orgasm during sex, and the fact that I used to watch porn very often before I had met her. After I met her I cut down on porn immensely because I was using it just to make myself feel better because I was lonely, she finds it hard to believe I would reduce my usage so much.Now I just feel so stupid because I feel like I planted this seed of doubt in her and it grew out of control. But I didn't know she didn't believe me about me not talking to other women. She said I kept gaslighting her and kept lying to her, so she cant ever trust me. I can admit I did lie that singular time, but everything else... I feel like she saw what she wanted to see. Trying to talk about it otherwise was just futile because she believed I was like all other men, just lying to her face to cover my tracks no matter what.I feel crushed because, its been so long since I have had any intimacy, and I was just learning all the stuff that comes with a new adult relationship. We were actually very happy together if we weren't arguing about small petty things. I feel like im going crazy because im having such a hard time accepting it. I loved her so much, even though its only been 3 months. I know how it sounds, how could I feel so deeply for someone I have barely known? I feel like I wont ever be happy again because it took me so long to find someone that actually wanted to meet me and be with me. Im an introvert so its so hard for me to go out sometimes and meet people. I am anxious when I do new things or am in a place I have never been before. I dont have motivation to actually get myself out there, because I am so afraid. When I was with her I felt like I could finally grow and experience things because I had someone to share it with. I feel like I am in a deadzone in my state, because I dont find anyone attractive online to date, and even if I do, I never get matches or responses. I have felt so lonely in the past and now its all coming back. Im so frustrated because Im being accused of lying about stuff I didn't lie about, and thats only because I lied one time to her. She said she didnt wanna bring it up the moment she found it because she was convinced I would deny it, but of course I would deny it, because it wasnt true! And this happened BEFORE I lied to her the first time.I dont really know what to do or say, I was finally feeling loved and happy. I wanted to give all my love to her too, it seemed to go right for a good amount of time. I feel trapped. I feel depressed. I want to just talk to her and it be okay again.I know this was long but I just had to write it down somewhere. Thanks.